Quoting lostlove:h has intimacy issues that keep him from being intimate with anyone. but then again there is that rare occassion when there is an appearance of an actual human being there.
A BIG part of DB'ing, and being solution-oriented, is focusing on the times that these "rare" occassions do occur.
What's happening then, what's different during these occassions, what was happening during the times leading up to this, and what can we maybe do to help re-create these times again. starting to think these occurances are more about him than they are about anything I'm doing.
What can we do to make it "less scary" for them to "expose themselves"? on the off chance that they do expose themselves, do your best to not personalize what you hear. What can we do to make it easier for them to connect with us, or better yet, to "re-connect" with us? heck it is easy....he just has to want to...and for what ever reason h doesn't want to...of course he can use the same ole exuse most men would use..."we just aren't like that" "things just don't bother me" yada yada yada...guess h never heard the phrase..no man is an island.
Quoting talitsa: I think you guys are right on the money with the avoider/resolver dynamic. It's probably very much like the dynamic Michele talks about with the pursuer/persued and I think that procrastinator/action oreinted would be related.
I'm seeing how I became more extreme in my own tendancies as a reaction to H's extremes at the other end of the spectrum. I tried dropping the rope, but that was misinterpreted. It wasn't until I EXPLAINED that I was dropping the rope and why, that there was more of a mutual effort to bring things more into balance.
As you both have similar dynamics in your R's, did you also notice that your natural tendancies became stronger as a reaction to your partners' behavior? certainly! a continued scenario of h retreating after an argument or conflict...me continuously trying to reach resolve..the harder I tried to get through that door the more locks and baracades he put up..ugh! How have you felt about yourselves if you were overcompensating in that way? horible, pathetic, ugly, nasty, desperate, frustrated, a basket case, hopeless....these feelings of course are mostly related to when I overcompensate during a conflict between h and I.
Well, at least it's good to know I'm not the only one who does that overcompensating, then not feeling good about myself when I do!
I wish that the "avoiders" could see the benefits to thier OWN self-interest of bringing things more into balance. My H did actually read some of the Venus and Mars books, and got some idea of the importance of these issues. Kindergarten stuff, but, oh well--gotta start somewhere!
now I could just be assuming things BUT.... typically I check the browser or the history of sites visited on my puter often...no real snooping..I just hit the history icon and see...more often than not the suspisious looking sites are just popups that show up in the history log...but tonight...I've just arived home from emt class to find in the history...two sex sites were visited...now they were simply visited..there is no list of pages there viewed but I honestly don't know...they were ametuerwebcam and freesexontheweb. I don't know what to think about seeing these things...I also notice that the pull down wich is typciall there and lists the common sites visited was clear?
is my h just a blantant moron? is this just some coincidence?
I think I'll be all done soon...I'm tired of living my life this way.
h already allowed me to prove to myself that I don't need him...heck I did ok without him here for almost a year...so why should I tolerate such crap from him?
well I saw that in the history using one browser...when I logged on and used the other browser...many many more showed up in the pull down....looks like pages within the site were visited....
I'm all done folks...I deserve better than this...I am better than this...dbing is great for some but all it did for me was get back something that should have been gone.
FIRST...let me empathise...back in I think Oct of last year (before I knew OW existed as an ongoing entity) I came into this room to catch CJ switching the screen from a photo of a busty big haired blonde, topless....
I was floored!!! Here he is, Mr. "no sex drive", says even porn doesn't turn him on and he's looking at THIS??? While I'm here, living, breathing, WANTING in the flesh!!!
Well things were way to fragile to mention it then, but I did bring it up later. He says it was something that just "popped up"...not sure I believe that...and SOMEHOW a whole lot of sex sites posted regularly to his old hotmail account....perhaps from having been on the chatlines??
At any rate, I can understand your incredulity and anger...just ask him about it!
I probably have a much more liberal view on this than most, but I don't think this is worth throwing in the towel over...at least not until all the facts are in...
Shiny
LL...just ask him about it! Maybe he was looking for some inspiration ( ), maybe he was just bored?
Okay, honestly LL, if I were to find out that some of CJ's endless hours on line were spent on porn sites I WOULD be PO'd in a BIIIIIGGGGG way.
For ME, it wouldn't be the principle at all. It would be the sneakiness, and most of all the fact that things are NOT great in the sex department with us.
So I KNOW you're hurting as well as angry. I just think that handled the right way, this could be a real catalyst for your and your H.
sorry shiny....the only thing this has been is a catalyst for h to show me that he has not become a better person but that he has regressed...I'm tired of him treating my with disrespect. I am tired of his shovonistic attitudes...I'm tired of his unsults...I'm tired of being with someone who continuously treats me like there is something wrong with me...I am not a basket case...I am not unstable...I am not many of the things h would like me to believe I am.
I am tired of trying in this relationship and being called crazy...or being accused of drinking..or allowing my mind to be filled by the thoughts of others (gee can I not form my own opion? do I not have my own feelings regarding my m? why when I bring things up must I hear "who have you been talking to now?)
I am tired of the whole thing and honestly shiny...I am done...I am out of here...I am closed off to h...I could care less what he does at this point..ignore me, don't ignore me...leave, stay...whatever...things wont change no matter what I do or what I change and honestly I am tired of changing to accomodate him or make the r work enough is enough already.
I cannot leave my home...though I'd love to just run away...it is very unlikely that h will leave again..after all this time he doesn't have a stepping off apartment to go to this time and I don't think he want's to put son through it again (one of the main reasons he came home was for son) so time to actually do some research and find out how long I have to wait to make it legal and think about how to set up the basement (for him) and how to go about making a schedule where he will be home by a certain time certain nights so that I may leave and have a life of my own.
there is little at this point that h can do...we all know that he doesn't know how to use words and I'm tired of his inconsistant actions. I have spoken...I have been heard and h has chosen to ignore my pleas...
I shouldn't have to put up with this anymore and I'm not going to.
tired of stomping my feet and slamming my head against a seemingly brick wall.
tired of the back and forth.
tired of only hearing the sincere sensitive side of h when all sh!t seems to have hit the fan...
as is typical after some dispute...the following morning starts with phone calls...today h's excuse for a 7am call...to sing happy b-day to dd (she's 2) then another call at about 10 just to see how the day is going and how the kids are (they were both not feeling well the past couple of days) during that call h proceeded to go on and on about the weather and the pool suggesting the kids and I go swimming but warning me that it needs vaccuming again (comment on the easy set intex pools. they are great for a temporary pool but a pain in the but to keep the floor clean) then asks about the emt test I took last night...yada yada yada...mil called on other line...I spoke to her...she's comming over to visit...h will be going to football game tonight...so mil and I might take the kids out to dinner and I assume she'll stay over.
and another call...12:15....do you have a minute? sure...
first of all I didn't come home because I had to or because it was the right thing to do...I came home because I wanted to.
second...I don't always say ily but I do try each day to do something no matter how small to show you that I love you...that is who I am...who I've always been and who I always will be..I used to say ily all the time and that got to be meaningless so now I say it every once in a while...
refered to the internet stuff as "stupid crap"
and then stated that he probably should have called when he had more time but had 5 min and really wanted to say those things...
I simply told him I was glad that he did and thanked him.
I am a bit numb and honestly still tired, I just want peace, securtity and comfort.
I think it's time for me to take a break from this bb...I've abused it enough over the past year +...it has been helpful but it has also served to drive me insane at times.
LL - I've read through what has happened in the past day or so. It has brought back some bad memories for me - and given me some reinforcement as to my W's state of mind when she discovered what I did back in January of 2002.
First, please let me give you a hug. ((((((((((LL))))))))))
Second - do you know how long this has been going on? The reason I ask is that depending on how your internet browser is set up, it can keep track of visited sites for a very long time. If this behavior of H's is recent, then it is an extremely serious problem. If the history shows that it has been a very long time since he's called those sites up and has not done it recently, it still is an area of concern. As I told my C at one of my recent sessions, I consider myself "held in check" but not in any way fully cured - if you want to call it that. I'm very mindful of the stressors that led me to it in the first place and if I keep that in mind, then I'm not at all likely to go down that road again.
Even if you do decide to take a much needed breather from the BB (and we all would miss you, BTW), this is something that your H must address in therapy - whether by himself or with you there. I truly hope that he will go of his own volition - it has helped me a great deal.
), maybe he was just bored? 
