I was just wondering. Let's say that if my sitch isn't MLC, would you conduct yourself in the same fashion ??? I am Re- reading every reply in this blog and it just dawned on me, "what if I'm misreading the W " ? I really believe that my W's confusion is at least partly due to MLC and I'm working on the parts I've contributed to. Is this path that I'm on still the right one...?
From what I have read, and understand, yes. Your path is right in either case. The big difference from what I can see is that if it is MLC your actions won't do as much to change the R. That's why you do it for you, and not for them. If it is MLC, there is time to pass, and you can't do much to speed it up.
Got home from work this morning. W acts as though everything is fine. We talk about daily things, she kisses me goodbye, we tell each other ILY. She leaves for work. What's going on here ? Is this good and do I want this type of daily interaction to continue as it does ? I know not to pressure her in any way. Is this creating a good routine for us ? I'm just trying to evaluate whether this is improvement and positive direction or just another day. It's better than NOT speaking... Should I just go with it ?
Your wife is not having an affair or sleeping around. You love her. She wants to give you a kiss goodbye and tell you to have a good day, and you wonder if that's ok?
You're still worrying too much about the situation.
Keep in mind that you create what you think. And your wife SEES (thanks to Forrest for this one) what you are feeling. As long as you are wrapped up in worry, and fretting over the future possibilities, you are not the normal in control man that you need to be.
I'm not suggesting that it's easy living this way. When your wife has verbalized a desire to leave, it sucks the air out of us. But you need to find a way to take that blow and continue the fight. Otherwise you're just a one-punch sucker.
What are you trying to change about YOU and who you have become? What have you learned through introspection about yourself that is NOT pleasing, that is something you are wanting to fix/change? How are you becoming a better man, husband, father?
Stop trying to kiss her butt into staying. Stop trying to find the magic words or actions that will make her say "Oh darling, I was a fool to ever think about leaving you. We will be together forever!"
We all wanted those words.
Odd thing. The more you try to find them, the more elusive they become.
You perhaps have heard the phrase "drop the rope."
I used an analogy once that used to work for me. You're walking your beloved dog one day (on an extremely long leash). You're dog sees something that catches his attention and runs off, far from you. As time goes by, you begin to worry. What if my dog is lost? What if he can't find his way back? You start tugging on the extremely long leash.
Meanwhile, your dog has finished his long adventure and also realizes that he has wandered too far from you. He is frantically trying to find his way back to you, but his leash is all tangled up with all the stuff he ran through on his adventure.
You're pulling. He's pulling. Neither of you are getting anywhere. The two of you are NOT getting closer together.
What's the answer?
Drop the leash.
One of you has to stop pulling. Your dog sure can't disconnect himself, so you have to let him go. Eventually he will drag himself and the leash back to you.
But you have to let go.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I used an analogy once that used to work for me. You're walking your beloved dog one day (on an extremely long leash). You're dog sees something that catches his attention and runs off, far from you. As time goes by, you begin to worry. What if my dog is lost? What if he can't find his way back? You start tugging on the extremely long leash.
Meanwhile, your dog has finished his long adventure and also realizes that he has wandered too far from you. He is frantically trying to find his way back to you, but his leash is all tangled up with all the stuff he ran through on his adventure.
You're pulling. He's pulling. Neither of you are getting anywhere. The two of you are NOT getting closer together.
What's the answer?
Drop the leash.
One of you has to stop pulling. Your dog sure can't disconnect himself, so you have to let him go. Eventually he will drag himself and the leash back to you.
But you have to let go.
That is great Bill. I've been here a long time and I've never seen it put so simple and visual.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
What Bworl wrote you is it in a nutshell, and he is right it is not easy, it takes time and alot of prayer.But it can be done.Your are hanging on every word and every thing that your wife does.You will drive yourself nuts if you continue to do this. When you fail, don't languish in it, dust yourself off and start again, you will fail many times, rest assured. Keep your expectations low.
Last edited by craig54; 01/09/0904:39 PM.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
I see what you mean. I've never had to analyze something like this before. This is new ground for me to break. Thanks for the input, I get to the point where I try to rationalize every action between us... Time to "MAN UP", in other words, right ???
I have not heard it so well summed up either. That was simply amazing as an analogy. I'm going to steal it : ) giving you credit of course.
Ral, Something you need to get your head around.
Years. Not days is more likely for this. In the next few months you going to ask a bunch of times, "Is she coming out of this?" because she smiled at you or held your hand longer than normal, and the answer is, "Not likely."
During that time, you work on you.
The four agreements is a good book, Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy is better for this. Did you get the book yet?
And I want two things you don't like about you when you look in the mirror, and I am not just talking physical reflection. Work on improving those things, because really you want to improve if you want to better your chances.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
