Quote: For him to communicate with you means he'll expose a part of himself that he's trying to keep safe. I would bet that he feels great anxiety when those opportunities present themselves.
I tell you this because I find it to be true with many people...my mother, my MIL, and DEFINITELY my W. Maybe your H grew up in an environment that made it difficult for him to communicate, so he just doesn't have the skill, or perhaps things are just too painful for him? Who knows...but it seems to me he's trying to hide in his own muck and for one, you won't tolerate this forever, and two, he won't be able to tolerate it forever. Perhaps this is something for him to work on with your C???
oh jethro you are so right on.
h is a major conflict avoider...he I'm sure wouldn't see it that way...he would simply state that he let's others do their thing and has learned to just roll with the punches...with some people (especially those in his family) I've learned like him that is in fact that only way.
he is not always that way with me...mostly just when it's a sensitive subject or something that doesn't really mean much...to his credit...regarding the incident with friends w...he did call the other h (his friend) to clear things up as upposed to just waiting it out or leaving me to deal with it alone.
sure part of why h is this way is a result of being a business owner and needing to let a lot just roll off his back...but I suspect it comes from his upbringing...how can I say this nicely???? his mother is a rather strong, opinionated woman..don't tread on her or stand up to her lest you wish to be condemed or have to whether you were wrong or right find her sobbing alone in her bedroom to appologize.
me I want imediate resolution and or closure on a subject..h can let it ride. We need to find a balance of me letting things ride a bit more (wich I am) and h being a tad more assertive when it comes to issues.
Quote: he is not always that way with me...mostly just when it's a sensitive subject or something that doesn't really mean much...
Yes, my W is the same. Problem is, in an R, couples gain intimacy through sharing these things...scary things. Thus, the R has a opportunity to grow as a result of each of us "exposing" ourselves. If we never share these things, there are far less opportunities for us to grow. This is a dynamic I'm trying to overcome with my W...and it seems a dynamic you need to overcome with your H.
You see, I firmly believe that my W went outside of our M because she thought she didn't love me (as we've all heard), couldn't REALLY connect with me, etc. Ironically enough, it was HER refusal to connect...it was her junk that got in the way of us connecting (not that I've been perfect or anything). Thus, whether it was me or OM, she still wouldn't be "connecting." The newness of her R with OM was an illusion of this connectedness...a connectedness she was missing...
Am I making any sense?
Quote: me I want imediate resolution and or closure on a subject.
ME TOO!!! Guess we both need to work on that. As our Ses have a compulsion to avoid, we have a compulsion to "solve." Right?
Also, I wanted to chime in about your H buying stuff and you feeling as though you have to pass things by him. I seem to remember sometime back in one of your posts (it was months ago) where you indicated that you bought something just 'cuz you wanted to, and your H didn't react to it...and thought it was fine??? I would say that if there's something you want, then buy it...just buy it. I imagine that after you get a number of things your H will let you know if you've exceeded your budget, and thus, perhaps he will better communicate to you when he's going to buy something? You say you don't really lack for money. I know if I had the money to do certain things, I'd just buy them 'cuz I know it wouldn't be burden on our pocketbook. I think it's when things are tight that better communication about purchases are necessary. JMHO...
I think you guys are right on the money with the avoider/resolver dynamic. It's probably very much like the dynamic Michele talks about with the pursuer/persued and I think that procrastinator/action oreinted would be related.
I'm seeing how I became more extreme in my own tendancies as a reaction to H's extremes at the other end of the spectrum. I tried dropping the rope, but that was misinterpreted. It wasn't until I EXPLAINED that I was dropping the rope and why, that there was more of a mutual effort to bring things more into balance.
As you both have similar dynamics in your R's, did you also notice that your natural tendancies became stronger as a reaction to your partners' behavior? How have you felt about yourselves if you were overcompensating in that way?
Quote: Why not ask BIL or SIL for a ticket to the next game? It could be a "night out" for you and H.
put it this way...before sil bought her own ticket...when bil couldn't go to a game (his seat is with my h's) instead of offering it to me he sent his w to go with my h. I wasn't even told...had to over hear it in conversation wich of course then caused a fight.
I think if I want to go to a game and h is not bothering to invite me then I'll just get together with one of my gf's and find someone who has tickets and buy them. that is what we did last year...gf had four tickets...brought me and two of her male friends....h wanted to know where we were parking...where we were sitting...what we were bringing...kept calling to direct us to park near him...even had me sit on his lap while tailgaiting.
h just doesn't get it when it comes to this stuff.
sure I could just ask bil for use of his ticket when he can't go...but that would be stepping on h's toes and I'd rather not go there.
Some say love, it is a river that drowns the tender reed. Some say love, it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed. Some say love, it is a hunger, an endless aching need. I say love, it is a flower, and you its only seed.
It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance. It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance. It's the one who won't be taken, who cannot seem to give, and the soul afraid of dyin' that never learns to live.
When the night has been too lonely and the road has been to long, and you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong, just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows lies the seed that with the sun's love in the spring becomes the rose.
Quote: I'm with the guys on this one...buy a nice chair for yourself! And then go buy a ticket for the next football game .
will I ever learn not to ask? I've been wanting to get a chandelier for over the kitchen table (the light the builder put in leaves a lot to be desired...can you say...5 dollar globe?) so when I was at home depot yesterday I took a look and say a decent one that would look nice it cost 68 bucks. so this evening while h was standing near the table I said...oh I saw a lamp for there yesterday for 68 bucks..(mind you we have talked about it...and h agrees the current lighting is insufficient) his response was "in time" WTF??? in time??? sheesh I should have known better...should have just bought the damn thing without asking...stupid stupid LL.
as far as the football tickets? well let's see...LL doesn't have her own money...and it isn't something I'd do through or with h at this point anyway...so I'll just have to start pocketing a little each week and get my own money.
Quote: Yes, my W is the same. Problem is, in an R, couples gain intimacy through sharing these things...scary things. Thus, the R has a opportunity to grow as a result of each of us "exposing" ourselves. If we never share these things, there are far less opportunities for us to grow. This is a dynamic I'm trying to overcome with my W...and it seems a dynamic you need to overcome with your H.
jethro,
it seems more to me a dynamic that h has to get over...I have no problem expressing my fears with him or anyone for that matter (perhaps I have intimacy issues in that I can become emotionally intimate with almost anyone) h has intimacy issues that keep him from being intimate with anyone. but then again there is that rare occassion when there is an appearance of an actual human being there.
Quote: You see, I firmly believe that my W went outside of our M because she thought she didn't love me (as we've all heard), couldn't REALLY connect with me, etc. Ironically enough, it was HER refusal to connect...it was her junk that got in the way of us connecting (not that I've been perfect or anything). Thus, whether it was me or OM, she still wouldn't be "connecting." The newness of her R with OM was an illusion of this connectedness...a connectedness she was missing...
Am I making any sense?
oh you make total sense to me! thing is I don't fully believe h has learned that yet..sure there are days ..but then there are days ...
ooops..gotta get back to ya later...son woke up and doesn't feel well..I should be in bed any way...but alas...h has started taking to falling asleep on the couch again. grrrrrr!
Quoting lostlove:h has intimacy issues that keep him from being intimate with anyone. but then again there is that rare occassion when there is an appearance of an actual human being there.
A BIG part of DB'ing, and being solution-oriented, is focusing on the times that these "rare" occassions do occur.
What's happening then, what's different during these occassions, what was happening during the times leading up to this, and what can we maybe do to help re-create these times again.
What can we do to make it "less scary" for them to "expose themselves"? What can we do to make it easier for them to connect with us, or better yet, to "re-connect" with us?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Guess we both need to work on that. As our Ses have a compulsion to avoid, we have a compulsion to "solve." Right?
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