Time for me to change....scared as Hell! 2

[Bworl]

it's more like the need to "damb" him for doing what he is doing. to somehow make it right, one way or another.

You will learn, hopefully ARE learning, that this is not possible.


I am a teacher. I teach 8th graders thru seniors in high school. My 8th graders, boys in particular, can be very difficult when they want to be. Something about that age is very full of testing and challenging things around them.

When I call these boys on their behavior, I RARELY get a positive response from them. I can count on one hand the number of times in 13 years of teaching that I have had a kid say "Gosh Mr. W, I'm sorry I was such a butthead. You're right, I was making really wrong decisions."

It just does not happen.

Your husband must wrestle with his demons on his own. And you must tackle yours on your own.

You cannot change him. And you cannot truly make him feel guilty for the path he has chosen.

I want you to think about the intestinal fortitude that it takes for a person to work themselves up to the position of walking out of a marriage. Despite how we might feel about their decisions/actions, we must at least admire that they were bold enough to take a step that they KNEW would produce a catastrophic reaction out of those close to them.

Do you honestly believe that, having built himself up inside to the point of being able to walk away and cheat, that he is going to moved by YOUR opinion of his actions?


All he will do is avoid you at best, resent you at worst.

Condemnation does NOT lead to reconciliation.

If you honestly still love this man, if you still have dreams inside that one day things between you will be made right, consider this...

every time you throw his actions in his face, you chip away at any possibility of reconciliation.

Every time.

Some damage has already been done.


You think your husbands actions make it so that there is MUCH for the two of you to fix before you can have a normal marriage again??

What about YOUR actions to him.


I don't say this to condemn you. I say this to again try to convince you that this pattern you have of pulling back (as you should) but then responding hatefully to him out of your hurt is actually putting MORE distance between the two of you and making it LESS likely that there can ever be a reconciliation.


I am not excusing him. His actions are wrong and hurtful.


But you reminding him of it, you damning him for them...none of that serves the ultimate goal that you have. Even worse, it actually sets BACK your ultimate goal.


You are doing well recently. You are making GOOD decisions. They still hurt, of course they do. But they are NECESSARY. Necessary for YOUR emotional health, and necessary if there is ever to be a chance for the two of you one day.


There is a very good reason why those who post to you have consistently hammered you with 2x4's. We have been trying to get you to see that acting out of your HURT and EMOTIONS has actually caused further harm to the relationship between the two of you.


You are supposed to be the rational and sane one.

You are supposed to be the one who holds things together until and if he comes back to his senses.

You are the glue.

You are the lighthouse.

You must STOP indulging yourself by acting out when you feel slighted and abandoned. It's time that you finally accepted that you are NOT first in his life right now. DEAL WITH THAT, and begin making decisions about things you CAN affect, and leave the other things alone.


You are now on THAT path. You need to STAY there.


Blessings,

Bill