It seems to be working! Sometimes....

[Tomato]

T- minus 24 hours and counting til vaca!


T

[sandycay]

So what are you doing?

[sandycay]

Well.

H was out of town (Drill weekend) for the weekend. He came back Sunday night. He just holds me when we go to bed. I have put some effort out before he got home... ya know music, candles, lingerie. Now, this is not normal behavior that he just lays there and hugs me. Never has that happened.

So after a while I am a little confused and we start talking. He says he is Sad.... he doesn't know why but upon further questioning...he says he isn't satisfied with hisself. I am good life is good but he's not happy with himself.

Well I did a 180 and got p*ssed off for the first time in over a year.... since the bomb. I have been telling him for months to seek IC... this is not getting better. He goes along for a couple of days and then it hits. I think it's the time of the year. We are at the one year anniversary of the bomb.

But, honestly this kind of talk always brings that fear back and I am getting sick of it.

See I truly got happy in my pursuit to save myself last year when all this was going on. I want to be happy. Our kids are great (straight A's and honors classes) active in sports. We live in a beautiful home, we get along well, have lots of S..... what's missing?

I can't give anymore or do anymore but I am tired of the insecurities I have when talks like this....although he says he's not going anywhere.

I wonder if his saddness has anything to do with her?

Maybe there's been contact....and he's afraid of how it made him feel and he's scared to tell me. By the way, one of my boundaries is that if she were to contact him and he doesn't tell me... he's out and I'm done. Maybe that's what happened and the guilt is bothering him.....

There has been no evidence of such contact....but it could have happened thru work email or military email.

Whatever!

So, I have pulled back a little bit.... still being nice, just not as available.

I just wish he could be happy.... sounds like MLC don't ya think?

[WaitingPatiently]

Hi Sandy,

I was just reading your thread and I want to say you have done an amazing job!!! I know that the last thread didn't sound so rosey, but all in all you have really done very well at taking care of yourself and making yourself appealing to your H. I'm no where near piecing, in fact I'm on the other end of the spectrum, but I just wanted to see your own sit--you've commented on mine so many times. Thanks for the advice and I sincerely hope everything works out for you. You give me hope--not necessarily that my W will come back, but that I can be happy w/out her. Good luck to you.

WP

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, sandycay!

360
Your sitch sounds very much like MLC to me. And if that's the case, your H's dissatisfaction is par for the course. And a year is still early days yet. So, don't loose hope!! You're H is home and says he's "not going anywhere"! That's huge!

204
It's also very understandable that you are analyzing everything thing he says and does and that undermines your confidence, but remember to be kind to yourself and you only have to live one day at a time. Don't sabotage yourself by "future fu**ing".

Now if I can just take my own advice.....
1468
As for the info you requested, I don't have access to the alt when at work, so it's imbedded here.....

[sandycay]

Got it....I was thinking why the h*ll is she labeling her paragraphs.

[sandycay]

Well, it's official, I am relfecting today because:

IT's BEEN ONE LONG YEAR SINCE THE BOMB.

A part of me died that day, but new parts were born.

I never thought I would sleep, eat, be complete. I wondered what could I do to win him back. I spent many hours staring at the walls, the skies. Wondering....waiting.

I read here a lot and I listened and I learned.

Zip your lip is one of my favorites and boy is it hard.

Today, I have brought up a lot of emotions that I have buried over the last year. I have not let myself think of this day in along time. I remember not being able to breath, vomiting in the toilet, sliding down my office wall to my knees, my blue robe I was wearing. I even remember what I had for dinner the night before and what we did that day because that was the last day of my life as I knew.... that was my last supper. I remember repeating over and over that this is not real, this is not real.

I have never eaten that dinner again and I don't wear the robe anymore but it hangs in my bathroom. I think I should be rid of it.

H recognized last night that I was "different" and I told him that tomorrow (today) would be difficult. He had not realized the date. I wish I were like that I am very date oriented. It's just not a big deal for him, because he wants to not be reminded (in his words) what a sh*t head he was by f*cking up my life and his life and our kids life.

So what did I do? Well, I had expectations that there would be some over the top conversation about it and when there wasn't acknowledgement I got hurt. I struck out then because I don't know....I wanted him to somehow know the physical pain he caused me but instead I picked a fight.

I think some part of me wanted/wants to know if he would fight for me? So, how do I get that? By telling him I just don't feel like this is going so well and maybe we should re-evaulate what we are doing. I dropped that on him over the phone right before he walked into work. DAMN I haven't acted out like that in well over a year. WTH is wrong with me. I think he thinks that when he gets out of work I am kicking him out.

I can't communicate with him until later this afternoon. I don't know what to do now.

So on this day of reflection I learned it's better to not reflect.

AND

The most important thing I should be doing this year on these "special" dates is making new wonderful memories so next year if I were to reflect on this day it would be a happy one. I hope and I pray that I get the chance to change that tide for today and the rest of our days together.

[mindfull]

Hi Sandy:

I've been following along with you, since I've needed a "success story" to learn from... I'm sitting here crying alone for you.

I have had a lot of WTH moments prior to DB'ing this year... Thankfully, haven't had any since, but they're sure to come! You're human. This is an awful day. Make it a pleasant memory for next year (when H returns from work tonight).

Thanks for your threads of hope. Today is my 13 year wedding anniversary. I share the date with you, and your emotions!

[sandycay]

AWWW MB, thanks for reading. Thanks for referring to mine as a success story. Sometimes it feels like if it's not perfect it's not successful and that is not the way it is.

Where is your thread? I would like to read it.

What are you doing for your anniversary?

He didn't acknowlege ours last year and neither did I.

[VeronicaV]

So on this day of reflection I learned it's better to not reflect.

AND

The most important thing I should be doing this year on these "special" dates is making new wonderful memories so next year if I were to reflect on this day it would be a happy one. I hope and I pray that I get the chance to change that tide for today and the rest of our days together.

Sandycay,

I, too read your post with tears dripping from my face, remembering my own awful bomb-day. Maybe you can just tell him what you wrote in this quote.

I have not read your entire situation but I am sure all of your changes thus far are sufficient to allow you a slip-up or two. Besides, today is, afterall, special.

I, too crave success stories, so I will be reading up on yours.

V.