LL - First off, congrats on aceing the practical! Very cool indeed...
Also cool that H did show some interest in helping you studying and asking how you did afterwards. I bet he is very proud of you and will show that in his own way...
I'll do my best to stay consistant and track how much of the down times are related to my own "stuff" as apposed to h just pulling away.
Well, LL, you can get down sometimes, but anyone who's been here long enough has the security of knowing that if the past is any indication, you upswing after those downswings....just as we all do. You're just so much better at spelling out the awful feelings of the downswings than most of us are.
Sometimes it helps me to read those rants as you verbalize some of my own dissatisfactions very well.
BUT...given a choice? I'll take upswing LL any day...who knows some day you may find yourself enjoying that elevated view far more consistently .
Quote: Also cool that H did show some interest in helping you studying and asking how you did afterwards. I bet he is very proud of you and will show that in his own way...
well h and son went on a mini trip to the harware store to get some stuff for tommorow and son returned with roses for me...for what I asked and son replied..."for passing your test" awwww....now that's the guy I married (h not my son I know where the flowers came from and last I checked they don't sell roses at home depot)
You were the first to post to me last year when I joined newcomers. I'm hoping, after I talk to H next Friday, to be able to join you all over on piecing.
LL..great job on the class..and on the h!!! I knew you would dig and ponder and figure it all out..keep doing what you have to do..I do know that when I am happy and feeling good about myself in general that it reflects to all other areas of my life...we can never change some of the most irritating things that we would like..but we can keep the changes about ourselves ongoing forever... Hope your evening with your friends was fun... do you find that your life is relaxing a little more as time goes on? The time and patient thing is also ongoing.
as is typical I've got some things on my mind that need to get out and h just isn't a person to listen.
I know that I start to see the negatives after a negative interaction and it just spirals from there....me trying to be heard...not feeling heard...feeling shut out...belittled...and all those other negative feelings...then I start to look at the whole pic as basically neg and feel like a sell out...living someone else's life.
here's the start....
things seemed to be going well...heck h even bought me flowers again...a sign of the man I knew so very long ago...our friends came over for the evening and it was nice...we bbq'd and hung out...the kids love them and they the kids...the kids went to bed...it got chilly so we came inside and played some board games at the request of the w...the first game was jenga and I lost...I don't mind to me it's all fun...we then played a football trivia game...the w's were to get novice questions only...after realizing that I knew nothing I volunteered to sit out and read the questions for the rest of the game...the w is extremely competitive and a stickler for rules (yes it was within the rules for her to receive novice questions)...of course the guys being asked the "actual" questions they land on and the w always answering a "novice" question...inevitably she won and of course wanted a cheering section...sorry that the guys didn't feel like giving her too much kudos for knowing some of the answers to the novice questions...so I suppose the tension started there...at any rate...I went up to get cheese and crackers and returned to a discussion about our horseshoe pits and the fact that they are not "tournament" style and that impairs her game...that it gives the other players and unfair advantage because the stakes are not boxed off...I didn't see what the big deal was and figured heck it gives everyone an advantage and besides it's a back yard game meant for FUN...she didn't see it as being fair and made the statement that she never hits the box? I questioned her never hitting the box....she turnes to her h and says "I'm being called a liar", I simply said "are you saying that you never hit the box? if so then kudos to you" with that she storms out of my house and her h follows.
I thought this whole scene to be absolutley ridiculous...I tried talking with h about it but got no where and felt almost as if he was blaming me for it. I then decided to write an email of appology. I received and e-mail back from her h today...admitting that to leave like that was wrong but he also defended her leaving that way (so that things wouldn't get out of hand? gee why not try being an adult and saying something like let's just drop this or it's just a game or cripes laugh at the fact that we weren't even playing horseshoes then so why argue about it?)...and although he claimed to understand where I was comming from seemed to take the stance that I WAS the one to take it to far for questioning her. ( I should know better than to question her...one should not question her...it makes her feel like her integrity is being questioned...for christ sake all I said is you never hit the box? what the hell is the big deal?)
I tried to talk with h about it and he was insensitive and well frankly just made me feel like either it was my fault and/or I should just shut up about the whole thing.
day goes on....bil and sil come over soon followed by mil and fil we bbq for them and after eating I am overhearing a convo about fil using sil's ticket to go to next game...then during their discussion realize that bil isn't using his ticket (wich is seat with h) so fil will use that ticket and sil will have her dad find someone to use hers.
why does this bother me? because let's see according to my h football "is just the guys". gee I didn't notice that bil's w was a guy?
not to mention the fact that I am not told when the games are unless of course I over hear planning for it...h had not yet mentioned going to this game..it will be wed night...another 2am arival at home I assume...when was he planning to let me know?
then let's see...bil was installing some new software on the puter wich led to talk of the current modem I use wich h plans to get rid of...h called one day a few weeks ago and informed me that we'd be switching from cable to direct tv...it's nice that h can just tell me...oh btw we're getting the driveway paved in a couple weeks...oh I'm going out to look at big screen tv's...oh I'm switching us to satelite tv...this fall I'd like to get a shed.
uhm hello? this fall h will get a shed, a big screen tv, direct tv (so HE can have nfl ticket), and pave the driveway (ok so I want that one too)
since we moved in 3 years ago I have wanted a kitchen island and have to wait, I would like a piece of furniture for this room perhaps a nice chaise to sit and read...can I just say oh btw I saw this and it's being delivered next week? certainly not...I ask...am told in a few years..eventually....
I feel like a friggen child.
the "disscussions" we had today were never resolved..infact the discussion about the "friends" I walked away and cried..h brought dd for a new diaper and saw me crying...his response "I can't believe you are crying over this" (no guests were here for any of our discussions)
anyway....mil and sil left....bil finnished with puter and he and fil left...h showered with the kids...I put dd to bed (she's sleeping in a big bed now) and then watched the end of mulan with son and put him off to bed. h has been downstairs watching baseball all night....and wouldn't ya know just as I typed those words he makes a cameo..."are you watching anything? there's only one more inning left then I should be comming up, I actually fell asleep for a while"
h's way of doing things....pretend it never happend and move on.
I know this way doesn't work...it is the way he did things in the past...unless of course they were of any significance to him...like say I said something he didn't like to his mother (wich basically was doing nothing more than defending MYSELF). but our stuff...he just let's go...heck he probably wouldn't have even moved out last year had I not three nights after he told me he didn't want to be my h anymore ask him if he had anything to say.(and no I didn't have db then)
Quite a post. Your "friend" sounds a tad touchy to say the least...I always suspect people who get all upset when their "integrity" is challenged...seems to be the ones with something to hide. JMO
I play games for fun, so I'm with you on every point here, (but whose counting, right? )...CJ and I make up our own games and rules all the time. Whatever will make it FUN!
It sucks when "toxic people" can ruin a good time by virtue of their very being....sorry, LL, but this "pal" seems to fit the bill. Is she always this way, or was this an exception?
We have a couple of pals who can be quite annoying, self-centred, shallow, show-offy...we just don't see them as often...try to hang with folks who raise our spirits, not rattle them!
It's too bad that your H didn't jump to your defense...but I'll be the whole thing made him feel uncomfortable. Maybe HE feels that you could have "towed the line", just to smooth things over, even though SHE was being an A$$.
He is entitled to his feelings, isn't he? Would this fit with H's social style? Are you the more outspoken one? I get the feeling, perhaps you are.
So, what is my point...hard to remember
Oh yeah! LL I think you may be letting your disappointment in H (it would have been very nice to have him back you on this!) spill over. It happens.
Thus the football thing (although I definitely see your point about the "men only" deal ) is probably much BIGGER because of it.
Would you LIKE to go to a game? Why not ask? The gender rule's been nixed....
LL do you make football nights a little rough for H? Are you mad when he gets in late? Frosty the next day? All understandable, but also good reasons for him to put off telling you about it!
Sorry, but CJ used to wait until the last minute to tell me about business trips (yes, even legit ones ) when he knew days earlier, just to put off the reaction he'd get from me.
He said he was scared of me LL .
And as for the discrepancy in "big purchases" for him and her...that's something that can definitely be negotiated! Come on LL! You KNOW you can work with that one....I THINK part of your problem is being a stay at home Mom, the money feels more like HIS. (I know a bit about this as until a year ago CJ earned 75% of our household income).
Well, guess what? What YOU do there is worth a bloody fortune and NO ONE on the face of this world could do it like YOU do! YOU are MOMMY, You're STILL there, you deserve a comfy reading chair!!!
Quote: It's too bad that your H didn't jump to your defense...but I'll be the whole thing made him feel uncomfortable. Maybe HE feels that you could have "towed the line", just to smooth things over, even though SHE was being an A$$. to be honest shiny, though the other h did immediately follow his w out (not without saying see you later guys) and I know darn well if I had pulled such a stunt I would be sitting in the car for a half hour before my h would have come out...he (her h) had thrown a blanket over his head...out of embarrasment? fear of what was comming? I don't know...not my issue. You are right..h does admit to her being an a$$ but in some way does think me a bit of an a$$ for falling into her trap (though in her case I think it's an unintended trap)
He is entitled to his feelings, isn't he? of course, but it would be nice if we could each feel that the other validates our feelings, no? Would this fit with H's social style? a yup! Are you the more outspoken one? I get the feeling, perhaps you are. now gee what would give you that impression yes typically I am...but I'm learning to pick my battles and let things go...honestly until she stormed out I didn't even know we were arguing.
Quote: Oh yeah! LL I think you may be letting your disappointment in H (it would have been very nice to have him back you on this!) spill over. It happens. of course I am and I recognize that...how to stop myself from going down the tunnel....being aware helps but I wish it wouldn't happen...I don't like when the sky falls..
Quote: Thus the football thing (although I definitely see your point about the "men only" deal ) is probably much BIGGER because of it.
Would you LIKE to go to a game? h knows damn well that I would like to go. Why not ask? I don't bother anymore...I know the answer (well at least this year I wont have to worry about bil giving his ticket to his w to go with my h and leave me at home grrrrr!) The gender rule's been nixed.... h's response was "she bought her own ticket.." ok then h give me my "OWN" money and I'll buy my "OWN" ticket!!!!
Quote:
LL do you make football nights a little rough for H? Are you mad when he gets in late? Frosty the next day? All understandable, but also good reasons for him to put off telling you about it! no, what I am is dissapointed in the fact that h can stay awake and put asside the time to go to games or watch them...but can't give me the same time...we discussed it in c during last session...c's idea was "why can't it be something you do together" h's response..."it's just the guys" well that's apparently bs now isn't it...bils w is clearly NOT a guy!
Quote: And as for the discrepancy in "big purchases" for him and her...that's something that can definitely be negotiated! Come on LL! You KNOW you can work with that one....I THINK part of your problem is being a stay at home Mom, the money feels more like HIS. (I know a bit about this as until a year ago CJ earned 75% of our household income). it may just be more of a he is the one who actually does the bookkeeping type thing...even when I did work...I wouldn't even make a 75$ purchase without first consulting him, out of respect.
Well, guess what? What YOU do there is worth a bloody fortune and NO ONE on the face of this world could do it like YOU do! YOU are MOMMY, You're STILL there, you deserve a comfy reading chair!!! I'm sure that if I brought up these purchases h's response would include "well you got that ring didn't you?....you went to florida didn't you" I would of course want to say...you buy season tickets to pats..you went to super bowl, you went to miami, you come home from games with 150$ game jerseys and this and that....his response of course would be that doesn't come from OUR budget....so it's a loosing battle...hmm let's see...one day a a while back...perhaps before h actually moved back in but was comming around...I was pissy had been out and saw a piece of furniture..cost 200...I told mil about it...she said let's get in the truck..we went..we bought it..brought it home...fil and h carried it in and put it were I wanted it and that was the end of that. perhaps I should take mil's advice more and just go get what I want.
ok so are things going bad? heck no...a bad night that had nothing to do with h...just h's lack of interest in getting involved in petty crap and not validating my feelings in regard to said petty crap. an issue with football (perhaps I wouldn't care much cept for the fact that before we got married I was taken to at least two games a year that dwindled to nothing)
I'm pretty sure things with h and I are fine.... I'm just foolishly waisting my energy awaiting some closure from the w who stormed out of my house...but that may be a long time comming if ever...so perhaps I should take h's adive and just let it go, I've got more important things to worry about.
Hey LL, gotta make this quick, and I can discuss later, but I have a couple of thoughts I wanted to run by you...
You know, I know people who won't talk about things, and these same people are fearful of what will be discovered (about themselves) when they do talk. It sounds like your H is a huge conflict avoider, and that he constantly keeps himself distracted with work and other things around the house to avoid having to talk...or even think (we all know that sometimes our darkest moments occur when everything's quiet and we are by ourselves with our own thoughts).
For him to communicate with you means he'll expose a part of himself that he's trying to keep safe. I would bet that he feels great anxiety when those opportunities present themselves.
I tell you this because I find it to be true with many people...my mother, my MIL, and DEFINITELY my W. Maybe your H grew up in an environment that made it difficult for him to communicate, so he just doesn't have the skill, or perhaps things are just too painful for him? Who knows...but it seems to me he's trying to hide in his own muck and for one, you won't tolerate this forever, and two, he won't be able to tolerate it forever. Perhaps this is something for him to work on with your C???
Maybe I'm totally off-base, LL. Just thinking outloud...
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)...CJ and I make up our own games and rules all the time. Whatever will make it FUN!
) is probably much BIGGER because of it. 
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