It's going to hurt at least a little for a very long while. They're your best friend, companion and a family member. They love us to a degree that we can only hope another human can -- unconditionally.
But I know we'll be okay. Like the death of my M, we just need to give this time -- we will heal.
I go and pick up Duncan's ashes this evening. That's not going to be very easy. I still haven't had much of a chance to talk with my S's on this. Maybe "talk" is not the right word, but just to feel them out, to commiserate and let them know that I know how what they're going through, and that we're going to be okay...
(It occurred to me just now that we, W and I, still haven't really sat them down about the death of the M either. As usual W allowed it to be glossed over.)
W called me at work yesterday. She apologized for bothering me at work (although that never stopped her before, so that confused me) and asked whether it would be better to leave me a voicemail and then we could discuss what she had in mind later. Unsure of what she was portending, I just said okay.
Well, I received 3 voicemails from her thereafter -- three parts of one message since she exceeded the message duration limits allowed by my cellular service. As usual, she was running her latest "plan" (machinations) by me, as if to only give me a token voice in these matters. She wants to change S4's preschool yet again. And she wants to change S8 so he no longer requires a before and after school program, and he can start riding the bus to school instead. And more importantly, she wants to bring her mother (MIL) in to assist her in this.
W's rationale doesn't square. She says that she wants to scale back her work to just four days per week, freeing her to have Fridays off to spend (purportedly) with S4. And she wants to move S4 back to a part-time preschool schedule. She claims that the current preschool is not doing a good enough job to help S4 with his academic progress -- which is complete news to me, especially since the very reason she moved him to this current school was for the specific reason they were better at that task. I don't doubt she misses the time she might could spend with our S's, hours every day that working full-time (or near full-time) takes away.
But then she plans on having MIL fill in for her and to take on a lot of the childcare. That galls me.
And she wants to pay MIL about $500 per month in compensation to do so. That kills me.
Now I wonder at her trying to broach this subject with me now, since she's obviously been in discussion with MIL and her "friends" for a couple of months now. I think she's progressed along with her latest scheme and suddenly realized that she's on thin ice. The last time she rejuggled the boys' lives she failed to consult with me before proceeding, and that doesn't look good in a court of law. Now she is hoping to get some form of tacit approval from me, by giving to me the illusion of having a say in this major set of decisions.
Here's my line of thought on this:
1.) W is going to have to get it into her head that I am a co-equal parent of our S's here. She cannot unilaterally make these decisions, nor try to force my acquiescence by starting a juggernaut ahead of my foreknowledge. If she doesn't see fit to seek my approval before proceeding with a course of action affecting our S's, then I will not be inclined to support her.
2.) I do not want to be footing the bill for W to shirk her duties in providing for her S's. Being head of a household and the chief bread-winner thereof is not the bed of roses she had made it out to be, or so she's now realizing (and she thought my long hours away from my family were by choice; now she knows better.) But if she wants the reputation and the status for being a single-parent supermom, then she needs to quit leaning on me to do so. I know full well W wants to increase or maintain the current child support payment at the same time, effectively making me a slave to her reduced schedule, a schedule for her sole convenience. This is an added sore-point with me because it was this loose, malleable schedule she wants to return to that gave her the freedom to be away from her family and to cheat on me in the first place. Frakk that. Once we're no longer married, why should I still be so obligated?
3.) I really do not want her mother in my children's lives, at all, let alone as their regular daily caregiver. MIL is about as toxic and self-serving as a person can be, and I do not approve of her soulless value-system. She has injured me and my marriage beyond comprehension, and continues to do so. I can forgive and let by-gones be by-gones, but not where this would be constantly brought to bear on the upbringing of my two little boys. MIL hates men, for crying out loud, especially men who do not knuckle under her warped demands of being subservient beneath her. She is unfit to raise any child, let alone my S's. She has continually butted heads with my eight-year-old in the past and I have no doubts it would resume again. To this I say no.
4.) W wants to pay MIL for her help, as a daycare provider. I smell a shady little plan being hatched (not the first bit of dishonesty, if not downright fraud, they have cooked up together, mind you), one to try to declare MIL as a valid provider, for legal reasons. If I have no interest in funding W's selfish desire for a life of convenience, I will certainly NOT subsidize that venomous MIL to ruin my S's childhoods. I will repeat: I don't even want her around, let alone raising my sons or putting my money in her pocket to do so. No, I am more inclined to pay added child support just to keep that hag out of our day-to-day lives.
5.) The pretense of all this is all so W can spend more time with our S's. That is incongruent with getting her mother to help out, since most of the added time would go to MIL. What this tells me is that W wants as little of the parental dirty work as she can get away with, while supposedly increasing the "quality time" with our S's. She gets to be "fun mom" without the increased baggage of being a real parent, all the while getting to pat herself on the back for doing such a "fine job". She wants all of the advantages and none of the disadvantages of being a parent in a broken family -- a family she broke. She doesn't want to live with the consequences of her actions and her choices. She's dreaming.
I think she needs to deal with the aftermath of her own reckless decisions. She made this bed, now she can lie in it.
6.) W has been periodically rejiggering the arrangements between us to suit her whims. Every time she does this forces me to have to go back to the current Separation Agreement proposal and rework it. This imparts yet more delay to her achieving this stepping stone towards her acquiring her precious D. If there are delays and more delays, which she continually complains about, W can only blame herself.
W hasn't yet followed up. (I think it's because she got all pissy later last evening for my not being available to take our S's to get haircuts.)
Just as well. I'm in no hurry to engage her in this insane line of dialog. All of what she's proposing is a loser for me, especially, and for my S's.
As if we're not suffering enough for one week, W decides to broach this now.
That's crazy. Why should you pay for her new schedule? Just ridiculous! It makes no sense. Either she has the kids and pays for care when she isn't there, or you have the kids! Is MIL making money to watch the boys? I can understand that *maybe* if she was being paid to do that, but I still believe that your wife should shoulder that bill, not you.
It irks me that you are notified only after decisions are made. She would be furious if you did that to her!!!
That's crazy. Why should you pay for her new schedule?
The cold hard fact is that the state guidelines for calculating child support (CS) in this state is like that in many other states. It factors in comparative incomes as well as the number of overnights with each parent. A nice little socialistic system whereby the party who works less and earns less gets to hit the other parent up for more CS -- and the less they work the more they can take out of the hide of the working spouse. Oh, and all in the "name of the children" -- yeah, right.
So if W works fewer hours under her proposed work schedule (instead of taking on her fair share as a would-be independent adult), she can turn around and offset the loss in her income by taking the additional amount out of me. Go figure. W wants to claim her total independence from me, but then she still wants to be dependent on me. That just means she wants me, NCB, to just continue being her hard-working breadwinner without her reciprocating on the original marital vows. That is slavery, folks.
Believe me, I would never let my children want for anything, ever, but this has suddenly made me so much more sympathetic to those accused of being deadbeat dads -- such that I would now have to second guess anyone's charges against someone along those lines. At one time I would have said, "hang the SOB." But I see now the story might just be more complicated than what one would have initially thought.
Originally Posted By: lwb
Is MIL making money to watch the boys? I can understand that *maybe* if she was being paid to do that, but I still believe that your wife should shoulder that bill, not you.
W is proposing that she pay $500 or so to MIL each month for picking up our sons in the afternoons and keeping them until W gets off work. It really doesn't matter if W claims the money is coming out of her own pocket, if I am continuing to pay the same or more amount of CS even under this scenario, I must conclude that not only am I subsidizing W's payments to MIL, but I am being gouged at the same time. W says she's trying to realize a cost savings under this new set of changes, but where are my cost savings, huh?!?
If MIL needs extra income now that she's retired to afford this new apartment in the same complex as W, that should not be any of my concern. Even were I to have remained married to W this would be a very bad deal.
The cold hard fact is that the state guidelines for calculating child support (CS) in this state is like that in many other states. It factors in comparative incomes as well as the number of overnights with each parent. A nice little socialistic system whereby the party who works less and earns less gets to hit the other parent up for more CS -- and the less they work the more they can take out of the hide of the working spouse. Oh, and all in the "name of the children" -- yeah, right.
NC-Most states have a "potential earnings" clause meaning the other spouse can quit working if they want, but they use the potential earnings to calculate CS. So if she quits working as much, you could possibly use that.
As far as the MIL goes, if that goes through, tell your wife that you need your MIL's social security number so you can do a 10-99 form for taxes. Tell her that you may run for political office some day and you don't want to get in trouble for not claiming nanny expenses.
Me: 44 S: 17 and 7 Final-6-13-08 I once went to a psychic who told me I would soon feel cheated......
As far as the MIL goes, if that goes through, tell your wife that you need your MIL's social security number so you can do a 10-99 form for taxes. Tell her that you may run for political office some day and you don't want to get in trouble for not claiming nanny expenses
Ok.
That is classic. I love it!
Yep, don't even tolerate paying MIL under the table! She might 'get away' with this, but you can make it difficult!
NC-Most states have a "potential earnings" clause meaning the other spouse can quit working if they want, but they use the potential earnings to calculate CS. So if she quits working as much, you could possibly use that.
I believe that's how W's lawyer is calculating my salary, as an average based on what I made in 2008 -- even though I was demoted in May and am not going to see that salary again for a looong time, not from this employer anyways. So where am I supposed to come up with an amount based on a manager's salary, in this economy especially? Am I to somehow pull this amount by magic out of my arse?
Quote:
As far as the MIL goes, if that goes through, tell your wife that you need your MIL's social security number so you can do a 10-99 form for taxes. Tell her that you may run for political office some day and you don't want to get in trouble for not claiming nanny expenses.
Yep, don't even tolerate paying MIL under the table! She might 'get away' with this, but you can make it difficult!
I agree. There may not be anything I can do from a legal standpoint, but I can make their plans just that much more difficult to achieve. I am not going to make it easy for them.
I like how you think.