"It is my humble opinion that we DBers can put our S's indiscretions in the past if they are willing to admit to their wrongdoing and work on the R in a positive way...in the present."
This sounds great in theory, but from what I've seen, you could be waiting a looong time to hear them admit to their wrongdoings in words. You can easily get stuck in another one of those cheeseless tunnels.
What I've seen work best is in "cheerleading", as described in DR Step #5, under the "cookbook of marriage saving strategies". Basically, catching them doing things right, and letting them know about it. This does a couple of things.
First of all, you are reinforcing positive behaviours. You are "training" them, in a manner of speaking, on some of the things that help to make you happy. In showing them that you are really appreciating their efforts, they are more likely to repeat these actions and behaviours, and may be willing to experiment with some more. You aren't exactly "telling them" what to do, or making any demands on them. Doing these things becomes more of their idea.
Another thing that this can do is help to remind YOU that, even though the two of you may have different ideas of what paths to take, that maybe you both really do share the same idea of what your final destination is.
ALSO, you're not just leaving things in the hands of fate, exhausting your patience while waiting for them to change. You're taking some action to help create some small changes, which can lead to bigger and better ones.
"It takes two to tango."
This may be true, but it does take one person to take the lead. Otherwise, you'll end up with two people standing still on the dance floor, just listening to the band.
JJ
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