ow loves to call

[karen43]

can anyone think of something that might be the problem? in my opinion, i think my husband needs ic. he once confided in one mutual friend and he couldnt say anything but the best about me. he had said it was never about me. and the friend said, then why are u leaving?

I see what you're saying. It does sound like your H is having an MLC and in that case I think you could have a perfect or almost perfect marriage and that could happen. I don't agree it's always a 50/50 thing. In my case I think my H was very distant and so it made it easier to have an A, and then he became horrible when he started his A, just treating me like dirt.

But I do think there were things I needed to work on myself, and I also think we had different love languages. I'm a Words of Affirmation person, and my H is an Acts of Service. If you haven't read the Five Love Languages I would definitely recommend that one. If you can't think of one thing you could change about yourself or work to improve, then maybe IC is the answer and if your IC thinks you also have absolutely nothing to work on or improve then I might try to find another IC that can help you more on that... Karen

[mdoodles]

i havent read that book yet, i should. i think what i could change is add more affection to our interactions such as make sure i kiss him hello, goodbye, hugs etc. however, lately i have been reaching the point where enough is enough. that no matter what i seem to do, no matter what he tells me, he still isnt home or ending it with her. ive toyed with removing the friendliness to make it clear we are nothing until she is out of the picture. i just dont think it would help.

would i appear like a fool for turning up the charm?

[Sugar and Spice]

he once confided in one mutual friend and he couldnt say anything but the best about me. he had said it was never about me. and the friend said, then why are u leaving?

If its about him, then its for him to work out, if he will. In my situation I can now see the things I did/didn't do that contributed to the breakdown of my M. I am responsible for 50% of the things that got us to a place where he was open to an A. The choices he made after that are solely his, but I have had to see my part in it as well. I am still learning about my shortcomings as a partner.

Maybe both of you would benefit from some IC. A good C can help you see what areas of the M needed work. Just my .02

[mdoodles]

i think counseling could help, we were not good at communicating when it came to emotions or sex issues. we are definitely better at commuicating than we were over 2 years ago.

i just feel until he is home and until he ends his affair, im up against a brick wall.

[Lostforwords]

MD,

I don't post to often, but your post caught my attention for some odd reason beyond comprehension. I would definitely continue to follow the advice from the more senior posters. I do ask though, has your husband been diagnosed with any mental problems, specifically ADD? You mentioned that he has a constant "need" for a project. That is not to be confused with the "want" for a project. People with ADD tend to "need" a project to keep themselves focused. When the stimulus of the project is removed they tend to act differently, which you alluded to, and pursue new projects. This "need" of a new project carries over to relationships as well and is documented in books that research the affects of ADD on relationships. With that being said and the reduction in lovemaking that you reported he could have lost focus on your relationship and moved on to the next relationship of "focus". In no way am I saying that these points are your fault, but they may be some symptoms that reveal the cause you are looking for. Another oddity about ADD people is they tend to look for relationships with people that most others would consider "crazy". The craziness of that other person is a stimulator for an ADD person since the constant changes provide for great amounts of mental, physical, and emotional stimulation.

Another bell ringer I noticed in you posts is repeated reports of excessive impulsive behavior. The house, that it seems you are aware was outside your budget, and the $100k in credit card debt are signs of big time impulsivity. I would beware of giving him more attention. If he indeed suffers from ADD, than more attention (sexual or otherwise) will only feed his need for stimulation. What better way to get stimulation than having two women fighting over you and while both of them are giving you affection....think about it!

I will finish with the little bit I see about you from your posts....you seem overly concerned with him and not with yourself. Focus on yourself and your son and don't let his swings affect you. You are worth more than that.

[mdoodles]

i thank you. he does not have ADD that i am aware of. i do believe he is in a quarter ilfe crisis though. i think it may be a case of a young guy having too much money, too much responsibility too soon in life. and it all caught up with him. we met young, i was his first real girlfriend, we got engaged when he was 21, i was 22 and we were married the next year, and then had a baby a year later. he likes a good project, he likes to plan parties, perhaps to distract himself from something, i do not know. it is a personality trait he had long before i met him.

the financial problem is what makes me nervous right now. i feel like financially we do not have the time to let this play out much longer.

[Lostforwords]

So in reality YOU have two problems. One being the WAS who appears to not be making a commitment one way or the other. The second being your finances. In a list of priorities protecting YOU and your son, the finances has to come first. I don't want to come off as harsh, but you need to take care of your priorities being you and your son. I have recently come into the same situation as I was let go from my job. Through the strength and resolve I have learned through this board and the books...I took hold of the situation and am starting my own business. The situation with my wife is the last thing on my mind since providing for my children is the number one priority. Your only responsibility is for yourself and your son, is what I am trying to say. Prioritize the things that matter. If the house is pulling you under, let it go. It is only a material possession. I know that looking at all this through a logical hard a@@ pair of glasses sucks, but stop letting him control your life and safety financially and take control of it yourself. You have been at this for a long time and from that I am positive you have the strength and resolve to take care of the priorities.

[mdoodles]

i have taken charge of the financials to the best of my ability. i do not work, i am a stay at home mom. i have taken over the handling of his credit card debt, i handle the calls in negiotating deals with the creditors or i dispute them to buy time. i am working with a lawyer to save our home. if i let it sell in this market, i will walk away with no money and will have nothing to put down on a new home and will be renting indefinitely.
i open all mail, and none of it is addressed to me. and he knows. i was never in charge of the bills, because there was never reason to be until he lost control.
i no longer have my amex card to buy anything and everything. but i make sure i debit from our account, rather than let my parents help us. i know he is paying stuff for the ow, not like he was, but i know he still is. i get print outs from the bank, i monitor our account as best i can. i withdraw small amounts of money and put it away for myself as a savings.

[mdoodles]

oh, and i have realized that the ow does not think she is the ow. she thinks i am the ow, if anything. when she met my h, she didnt know he was married, then i think thought he was separated, now i think she thinks we are going through a divorce. she sees the lies unfolding but i guess he covers them up somehow.i really think she as if she feels she has the right to tell me to leave THEM alone.