ow loves to call

[mdoodles]

he wont return home until it is over. but what do i do in the meantime? talk to him? not talk to him?

i just dont see an end in sight. the ow is clearly losing it but i dont see her ending it.

[gForce]

I don't think it matters too much whether you talk to him or not. But keep your interactions as emotion-free as possible. No R-talk unless H initiates. What are you doing to GAL? Let H see that your life is not on hold, waiting for him to bless you with his return. Make yourelf the more attrative alternative. Do not tell him what you are doing - let him SEE the changes you are making in yourself.

In my sitch, it took a while before W was convinced that what I was doing was genuine, and not just a short-term ploy. Be patient. That is the hardest part. It feels like forever, I know, but you are very early in this process.

[mdoodles]

you think over 2 years is early in the process? yikes...

i have a hard time thinking im not the more attractive option. i couldnt be prettier, i couldnt be thinner, i couldnt dress any better. and he knows it. i go to the gym 5 days a week and do plenty for myself, out with friends and take our son independently everywhere.

what other changes could i make? do i start going out when he comes to hang out? i feel like that takes away time from being with him. and like i said, going dark, or any version of dark, would not work on him.

the only thing that would shake him up is if i was dating, which i cant, because we are married, not even legally separated.

[gForce]

Oops. Sorry, I glanced at the number of your posts, but now see that you have been DBing for the last year. Still, if ow is still in the picture, patience is still very important.

I guess I didn't mean physically attractive. Be a comfortable safe haven when you are with H. Don't do things to "shake him up", just do things to be a better you. You know by now the issues within yourself that contributed to your marital problems. Make a list of things that will address those issues. But again, until H will agree to verifiable no contact with OW, it is unlikely that he will make any genuine effort to work on your M.

[mdoodles]

and thats the problem. thats the part where im up against a brick wall. at this point, the problem isnt even between us and our marriage. the problem is within him. he knows what he has with me. he is stuck in the mlc and there is nothing i can really do that will push him along. i am best friends with his mother, we actually bought the house next door to them. he left everyone in his life when he left me. i see he is trying to make his way back, he talks with my father about opening a business together, to take a fresh start, but he needs to end it with her. and he is not.

he tells me its process. im tired of hearing that.

[gForce]

From what I have seen, when the WAS says that it simply means he won't give up OW yet. I don't have much experience in dealing with MLC. Would IC help you and/or H? I would suggest MC also, but that is unlikely to be productive if he is still involved with OW.

[karen43]

i have a hard time thinking im not the more attractive option. i couldnt be prettier, i couldnt be thinner, i couldnt dress any better. and he knows it. i go to the gym 5 days a week and do plenty for myself, out with friends and take our son independently everywhere.

what other changes could i make?

It's not about physical attractiveness I don't think. I think usually the OP is a downgrade in terms of looks. It's good you are doing the physical stuff and working on your physical appearance, and it sounds like you're doing great on that.

It's hard to suggest changes and 180s for you since I don't know you of course. You might want to think back to complaints your H had about you in the past and if you know anything about the OW that will give you ideas also. Some you may want to change and work on and other maybe not. I know my H didn't like my lack of independence and needed to work on my self-confidence so I've done that. He also likes career-oriented women (OW is an attorney and absent parent). I'm a devoted mom, and I'm not going to change that as that's how I want to live my life. So you have to do that kind of looking at yourself.

It sounds like you just need to be patient more than anything as your H is moving towards you. I was told by everyone when I joined here that patience is the thing you most have to have in this process. So GALing to keep yourself busy and work on those areas and things will work out well. Karen

[mdoodles]

i appreciate everyone's advice. i am as patient as they come, i just wonder if holding on will only allow him to continue. that maybe he likes having both of his worlds. i just dont know.

as far as knowing what attracts him to her and what i can do to be like her - lets see - she is an immigrant, from eastern europe. she is of a completely different religion and background than me or him. he basically rebeled against his entire upbringing and way of life by choosing to have an affair with her. he is a manager in a factory and she was one of the workers. she only worked there for 2 months, she is no longer there.

when he was pushing the divorce i had a feeling she was looking for marriage to keep her in this country.

anyway, the only thing that was "wrong" in our marriage going back over 2 years ago - he wanted more sex, which now isnt an issue. i think when we had our son it affected him because it took the focus off of us and left less time or interest in sex.

again, not the problem now and he knows that. i know he likes alot of attention so i do the best i can to give it to him and asks questions about his day and his job.

so now what? what else can i do? i feel like a fool acting like nothing is wrong when i know and he knows he is still with her. but i dont know what else i can do in terms of taking a strong stand without still being friendly. and if sex was the problem, i feel like i shouldnt withoold that either...

[gForce]

When the bomb was dropped on me, my reaction was disbelief. What could possibly have been so terrible in my M that could justify my W's departure and drive to an A with the low-life scumbag she got involved with? How could she be so awful, why can't she see that I was the better choice? When will she open her eyes and return?

It is true that the A was an obvious and terrible violation of our marriage vows. But fidelity is only one of many vows we took that day. To honor. Respect. Protect. Love. After my self-righteousness abated I was able to see that W didn't simply leave, but that I had a part in driving her away. It ultimately takes two to repair a M, it often takes two to destroy one as well.

I say this because it sounds like you don't have a lot of insight into your part in your marital problems. Few of us do. That why we are shocked when the bomb is dropped on us. I am not saying it is your fault. I am not saying H doesn't have work to do or that he doesn't have a responsibility to regain your trust and prove to you he is worthy of you.

But I think if you dive deeper into your R, you may find there are deeper issues than him wanting more sex. IC may help you in this regard. Unless he sees from your actions that he is not returning to more of the same, the chances of him wanting to return are pretty low.

[mdoodles]

i have gone to ic throughout this ordeal. truthfully, we had a baby very young, he was 24, i was 25. it is a big shock to the system. i nursed my son for well over a year, which takes a toll on your sex life. it affects your ability to go out like we did, although by the time my son was 18 months- 2 years old, that had all changed. also, we took on a new house that was well above budget. as soon as we moved in and the work on the house stopped, i saw the change in him. he likes and needs a project. when there is no project, he gets in a funk and then it becomes about me. i think we got married young, we took on alot very fast and he felt he needed to escape.

i have changed everything i can in terms of our sex life and he knows that. i have tried being more affectionate when i have the opportunity. i do the best i can to talk to him and ask questions and be interested. he has never complained about anything else, we never would fight about anything, not money, not the house, nothing. i wish i had something else to change or fix. i wish i could say i should lose 10 pounds and that would do the trick.

can anyone think of something that might be the problem? in my opinion, i think my husband needs ic. he once confided in one mutual friend and he couldnt say anything but the best about me. he had said it was never about me. and the friend said, then why are u leaving?