John, thank you so much for taking the time to post to me. I've really been a basket case lately and it helps to talk to someone else going through this. All of my friends of course tell me he is stringing me along because he doesn't want to lose his safety net, this way he's got the best of both worlds, the life of a single guy and the life of a married man, blah blah blah. Of course, I know he's a thinking feeling human being with problems and it is not as black and white as they say, but I do think they are right when they say as long as I allow him to cake eat, he will continue to do so. I have to be very careful with this though because if I issue what sounds like an ultimatum, I have to truly be prepared to let him go. I do think he will let me go if I say I can no longer live like this. Because I don't think he has enough feelings left for me to come back, because I think if he did, he would have come back already. For some reason, if he's telling me the truth about not knowing what he wants, then he's sitting here waiting to see if his feelings "come back." How can they come back if we don't do any husband/wife stuff? I went back and read your newest post and I agree with you. Separations are not good for marriages if they go beyond a few weeks/couple months at the most. We have lost so much that I don't think we can get back. I'm not saying people don't reconcile after a long separation, I just don't think it is likely. Or I should say I don't think it is likely for me and my H because of the dynamics of our relationship. I don't think absence is making the heart grow fonder. We actually always did getter when we spent lots of time together. Kept us emotionally close.
The question of OW is an impossible one to answer unfortunately. I desperately wish I knew. I didn't suspect anything when he left, so it came as a nasty surprise when he confessed to EA three months later. What he told me was he was "friends" with someone (wouldn't name her) and didn't realize he had feelings for her until she said she had feelings for him. He said nothing physical ever happened and nothing ever would. I don't really believe that though.
And I don't know if they maintain their relationship or not. He has been hanging out (and lying to me about it) with a much younger woman. I don't think she's the same person as the one he confessed about. So then I am left thinking he's just plain looking elsewhere to fill this void in his life. The one I can't fill. Of course he claims they are just friends. If I had a dollar for every time someone said "we're just friends," and it turned out to be more than that, I'd be filthy rich! I don't necessarily think their relationship is physical (yet) but is it purely platonic? How likely is that? He's 40, classic MLC and she's 23 and very pretty. Still lives with her parents!!!!!. Is it even possible for a 40 year old man to hang out with a 23 year old (unless she's a relative) and it be 100% purely platonic, no attraction whatsoever on his end??? I just can't believe there's no attraction at all there. And he's very charming and outgoing and handsome. I am sure she responds to it. And I'm sure he eats it up.
Yes, my good friends tell me not to do anything rash when I am upset. But they also tell me I can't go on like this and they are right. The thing is I made up my mind that this had to end before Christmas. I just could take no more lying and sneaking around. But for my son's sake, I decided to get through the holidays together, which I think was a smart move. I think maybe that is what he was doing too. Christmas was extremely difficult for me. And I was hoping he would bring things up after Christmas and let me know where he stands, but so far he hasn't. He hates to have R talks. I do too, but I also hate ignoring issues.
So what is your current relationship with your W? Do you guys do anything as a family? Anything as a couple? Is she affectionate at all? Does she tell you she loves you?
