LL: I can remember that when my h left the first time home, my cousin and lawyer adviced me going to his new rent apartment, with champagne, a lovely underwear cloths, and seducte him... I didnt dothat but i commented my c the advice my larwyer had gave me, just initiating the separation and crisis explotion process... and this were the words of my c "never do that, bc the rejection that maybe you will receive will hurt very much your self steem... is more what you will lose than win... and even he accept your invitation, and you both have a great sex, when you return to the crisis panomarama, you will also feel hurt and have a very low self steem..."... and yes, he is so right... You need to take care about yourself and be a little selfish when you plan some moves... proyect your self steem, bc in their crisis all of us had lost too much in our self steem... andrea
Quote: Would H be open the reading "The 5 Love Languages." Maybe he would get that he needs to meet your needs even though they are not the same as his?
h will not read it but I have explained the concept and what the different ll's are to him...he knows that he is acts of service, don't think he's aware of the fact that he's also words of affirmation.
he knows full well that I am quality time and physical touch but his take on things is he's only going to do what comes natural.
Quote: I think you need to flat out tell him what you want/need. No hinting around. Pick the right time though. H obviously is not very observant. nik
LL - just wanted you to know that I have been keeping up with you but haven't posted because I don't have any great insights or words of wisdom. Sometimes I just wish that I could take that velvet-lined 2x4, smack your H upside the head some and say "Get out of your comfort zone! Marriages take work from both people. You have what it takes to make a great marriage with LL but you have got to want to work at it."
I just wish that I had something more constructive to say, LL. But we are thinking of you.
Quote: I am just going to assume that you are trying to play devils advocate here poe Bingo, ...cause it would seem to me, if I recall that my h isn't acting much different than you did before you w left you. No kidding, I did not know what I know now, and do you want the same result for your marriage.
H is clueless or his defense is no action and hope it blows over. The ball is in your court, you complain you have tried this and that. Well is it working, guess not, huh.
Now you claim H does not like to read R stuff, and I have suggested getting audio versions of R stuff, and have you, NO!! You just keep complaining and do the same thing.
I can get you the audios cheap, just email me.
You mention in one of your post that you should go back and read what you posted. I agree, at times I know you are just thinking out loud. We who follow know are use to this. Never the less we don't think you do look at them, you just keep moving along, and never fail to keep us in awe.
You mention the neglise sp, and parading for H in the living room. I will plead guilty to this one, one eveing XW wanted to make out on the couch and I not only rebuff her, and ask her what got into her. This was not normal behaviour for her, and you describe how she felt. I was truly clueless.
You ask the question "Re: am I just an eternal pessimist?" I would say yes, right now, who knows about the future.
something h says or does bothers me...depending on how "significant" I feel it is I either mention it to get resolve or I let it go... sometimes h is able to address it "properly" right then with words...other times the words that come from him only serve to further my ill feelings...I then retreat and am a tad cold..h then seems to tip toe around me being extra nice...doing the dishes, getting me a soda or a drink, keeping an eye on the kids himself (not saying "can you come out here and watch them I'm trying to get x done") constantly saying "what" as if I might have said something when I haven't, and then ultimately inititating sex. but a sorry or an actual discussion of the incident doesn't always happen again.
so let's see...the things that I've gotten really angry about in the past couple of weeks....
when I needed help with an appointment and h didn't offer or say something like "I want to help but I have x y and z to do" the real reason for my anger at this one...ow and the fact that he took her to one of her appointments.
let's see...did I have a ligitamate reason to be upset? sure. but...he drove ow in NOV that is a tad different for a landscaper than AUG. I sat Assuming that if it were ow asking he would have dropped what he was doing even if it were april. is that fair? nope. could I have handled it better? yup. could h have handled it better? you betcha. should I hold onto it and keep it on some score card in my mind of the bad things h has done? NOPE! so away it goes.
ok the other stupid occurance...my trying to initiate while h was watching footbal...the only thing I can say about this one is that I will never understand men and their damn football, and that perhaps if I don't want to feel resentment when h declines or puts off (I am assuming from his initial reaction that he would have just waited the 4min till have time to respond) then when I'm in the middle of something I need to keep doing what I'm doing and not allow him to divert my attention...why should what I'm doing be considered less important than his football.
ok that one was never outwardly appologized for. h has no idea where I went when I left the house (I must say I'm glad I went because I was sure that the letters and stuff had found would have been put back but they were not there, and I did not see ow's # on the cell phone bill either) and I didn't speak much at all to him in the am, infact I stayed in bed and let him attend to the kids. he the day just unfolded as a normal one...each of us progressively being nicer to eachother with each passing hour. we went to a family bday pty, he made my plate for me and brought it over was attentive, played vb with the guys but also kept an eye out for our kids. when we got home he attended to the kids while I cleaned and rearranged some stuff in the garage. he put both kids to bed, and asked what I was doing when I didn't just show up in the family room afterward. when I did join him in the family room he came over to my couch and cuddled me. he was hesitant to initate but did so, asked if it was ok...I let him know I was still a little angry...h's responded with " maybe in a little while you wont" found that a tad silly as if sex is the solve all, but I suppose he was trying to give me what I wanted so I tried to think of it that way.
it seems to me we've got a major game of cat and mouse going on here.
and thus the morning phone calls begin again. I was just putting dd up for her nap, can't hear the phone while I'm up there, return to find a message on the phone h singing good morning, good morning...then talking about the continued thread of rain, well at least we got a break for a few days, then let me know he'll be available till about 11 (back at the office) before he has to get back to busy stuff. I think I'll wait a bit before I call back...
for those who think h is a big dope here's something that might give you a taste of who he really is...
this was written in a christmas card given to me by h the chrismas that I was preg with son who is now 4.
to my wife and mother to be of our child. words cannot describe the amount of respect I have for you for the toughness you've displayed the last 5 months. I know this is very difficult and I will be there with you every step of the way. I hope this is the best christmas we've shared together. I know my husband skills need some improvement but I hope you know that I love you dearly and want nothing but the best for you and our family to be.
merry christmas love always, h
that man is still here...but for some reason a signal got crossed and he believed I "hated" him and things went a muck...he's trying now...but I think he still has some reservations in expressing his feelings directly (or in writting for that matter) as he doesn't want to be rejected. ironic isn't it.
LL - Maybe it would be worthwhile to take that card with you to C session tonight and read it to H. Use that as a bridge to let him know how much those words and his feelings meant to you then - and that you want him to be more like that H. That it would really help the both of you get to a better place. Ask him what you can do to help him get the both of you there.
You know, I found some interesting parallels in our sitches in your latest threads. 1) Our Ses LL is Acts of Service 2) The way our Ses treat us is up and down...where one day they are apathetic and the next "engaged." 3) What engages our Ses? When we get PO'd usually. My W does the SAME thing as your H when she knows I'm not happy with her. She acts silly, makes goofy jokes, engages me in more conversation, etc. This she will only do when she knows she's the one to "blame" for the current predicament. She will also try to loosen me up with sex.
Hmmm...
So, looking at your situation and my situation, I'm trying to figure out some patterns here. Let me ask you something: Would you say your H's LL was always "acts of service?"
But we are thinking of you. 
