What your saying makes perfect sense to me. It's exactly what I live day to day. The reasons you sight about why he hasn't filed for divorce all make sense. What does he say about moving forward one way or another? Does he seem willing to continue in the limbo you're in indefinitely?
I'm sure it's scary for him to think about leaving since you are the breadwinner. That's a practical consideration he must have thought of. Has he ever had a problem with this? Unfortunately, this is a BIG problem for a lot of men. It seems to eat at their self esteem, which gets turned around on the women they love. Which is of course complete crap and the mans issue, not yours. I just bring it up because I think it is common.
Next point, one I'm sure you've read many times on these boards, and one that's proven true in my case. I couldn't tell from your earlier posts, but is he still actively involved in an EA? What your writing sounds like he is, it sounds like my wife and like so many others here. And if that's the case, I believe there is little hope for the two of you as long as someone else is in the picture. I believe that is exactly what is going on with me.
My wife is an extremely intelligent woman, great job, practical etc. And one day she meets this guy who for some reason makes her see the fireworks you mention. Now she tells me she has to feel that every minute of every day or at least be searching for it. This is a 41 year old woman. And how's this for strange. She and this 55 year old man e-mail each other in baby talk! I STG. This is one powerful drug, I think, and I just don't get it. If your husband is also on this drug, I think it's more than enough for him to turn away from the wonderful life he has with you.
This is why I feel the need to issue an ultimatum to my wife. I don't see us going anywhere unless she wakes up and realizes what this will cost her. Sounds like you are in about the same place. I see TINY improvements here and there, and as long as I see them, I'm holding off on the big guns. But I think about it every day.
Final thoughts. However things go with your marriage, YOU WILL BE FINE! You are the one who still has her head screwed on straight, you have a job and are able and willing to care for your son. You are expending all your energy and time trying to make your marriage work. At the end of the day, you can hold your head high and be proud of yourself for fighting the good fight.
I'm sure you've been told this many times but try not to do anything rash when your feeling especially stressed. That's the time to step back and do nothing in my opinion. Calm down, straighten out, talk with friends and family. Give yourself plenty of time. I've violated that rule several times and the results were not good.
