Quote: Life is really a big roller coaster ride, isn't it? life in general is a roller coaster yes, but a m shouldn't have this many unexpected drops, you know the kind that sneak up on you? on a roller coaster typicallly you climb a hill before the drop or you have some idea that it's comming, something to gage it on...this m doesn't seem to have that...I still find no correlation to when h actually acts like someone who wants a r at all and when he "seems" as if he could care less...sadly it seems like more often than not, he couldn't care less What have you learned thus far? that some people just shouldn't get married What else could you learn? how to accept a half life or get the nerve to just give up Who should you be leaning on more? meself (God) Like my mom always says, "He (God) hasn't taken you this far just to dump you." when I sit and am quiet and really consider it...I don't believe god has anything to do with my m at all...he did when I got married...but apparently m h wasn't there doing what god wanted he was there doing what he thought was "the next step" inother words gee a second income would be nice, so would someone other than my mother to do my laundry and cook and clean for me. I don't believe that for him it was about partnership or sharing what god has graced us with together
Quote: Focus on the positives, not the negatives. kinda hard to focus on the positives when they were there all along...there doesn't seem to be anything "new" going on...just the same ole same ole...honestly things were better post disclosure of ow before seperation while h was STILL seeing ow and lying about it Live in the moment. I try to, but it's not easy to live in the moment when in the moment you'd like to say ily or give him a hug or a kiss cause after all he is your h but know that you can't do that becuase the possible rejection will only serve to further your anger and frustration What could you be doing or saying to feel/be happy? not being here What would you and/or H be doing/saying if everything was going well? we'd be playing cards, talking, going out on "dates" or having "dates" at home at least every other week, kissing (more than just the obligatory peck hello and goodbye christ I'm not his mother) Remember to "act as if." I'm tired of acting as if I'm happy and that my "needs" are being met when they clearly aren't...am I to be expected to "act as if" for the rest of my life...at what point does the "acting as if" end? I would assume that "acting as if" is not productive in piecing as to me it seems to serve to creating a waw...."when she stops complaining, h thinks everything is going well and is then shocked to learn that she's unhappy with the r and wants out..." Be the person you would like to be around. the person I would like to be around would like to play cards, darts, sit on the deck and have a few cocktails on a fri or sat night, share a joke or a funny story, go to a show, go for a midnight swim heck maybe even go skinny dipping, laugh, live and enjoy what's out there....kinda hard to do that stuff when the person your with wants to do little more than go to work, cut the lawn and watch tv.
Quote: If you have issues that you feel you need to get off your chest and discuss with H, then write him a letter. Remember to write about your feelings not about what a &***(( he is. what's really pathetic is I've got a bag full of letters that I wrote him over the years, some as old as 12 years ago (yes he saved them) with me not blaming him or telling him what an a$$ he is, even then I knew enough to use when you do that it makes me feel like this statements (I started taking phych in high school) I've tried in many different ways over the years to address the issues...what are the issues? lack of sex, lack of intimacy (meaning him sharing any bit of his "feelings" or "thoughts" or "fears" with me) lack of qt spent toghether, everything seeming to come before me ie his work, his football, his sleep (I spent alot of time watching movies we rented while he fell asleep on the couch) a general apathy on his part pertaining to the r, the fact there never seemed to be a "right" time to discuss anything. after the discovery of ow I was distraught...h spent a week at his parents (but most nights came to put the kids to bed and talk to me) I sat up one night and read almost all of those letters...some of them were just cutsie crap...but the rest were me trying to address "issues" and pathetically taking my part of the blame in a lot of it. I wonder why I wanted him to come back?
let's see...I've been hesitant to initiate sex...before all this his rejection was tough but now it's downright humiliating and hurtful, a while back we went out and spent a gift certificate I had at victoria secret...he picked out two neglegeis...so tonight I figured I'd give it a whirl...he was watching pre season football and I was downstairs just watching tv having a few glasses of wine to build up the nerve...I pretended to be going up stairs to check on the kids and returned wearing one of them under a silk robe...he was on the phone with his buddie and watching football (now mind you it's preseason so the game is of no significance) I walked by and flashed him, he looked over and said "what have you got" I showed him and said "it's one of the outfits we bought when we went out" with that he said to buddie "well they suck I gotta go" and put the phone down...I thought that was promising...he moved a tad on the couch but that was about it...he returned to watching foot ball...I stood there with my robe open and looked at the tv...4 min left till the end of the quarter (again mind you it's a pre season game) he asked "what are you doing" "trying to get your attention" I replied..." you've got my attention, I'm watching the game" was his reply..."are you kidding me" I said..."what" he says" with that I rippped the damn thing off and walked away...let him know I will never humiliate myself in such a way ever again and to not bother trying to have sex with me just when he's horny (cause that seems to be the only time it occurs and trust me it aint love it's nothing but sex, not that I mind sex but I'm tired of it just being when he wants it and it almost never includes any kissing) I pointed out to him that it was a pre season game...went up got dressed and came back down to go out for a bit...I went out for a ride...took his keys and went down to his shop to look over his cell bill...I must say I was dissapointed to not see any calls to ow or re find the letters that were there (he had told me he threw them away and I doubted it). I return to find him sleeping on the couch. PATHETIC.
honestly I don't know what to do anymore....I feel like by the time h decides to actually participate in the r on a regular basis I just wont care anymore...it will be a matter of too little too late and I'll just end up being another one of those wives who has her own life and just wants her h to leave her alone.
I know that my h does care about me...just doesn't seem to me that he loves me or feels for me the way a man should for his wife...wich in turn makes me slowly stop feeling that way about him...he's just there..."oh that's just my h" kina thing.
I'm tired of feeling taken for granted...I'm tired of living his life...trouble is if I live my life and he doesn't care to join...inevitably others will want to...it's just the nature of the beast..if a man and wife live seperate lives giving little to no time to eachother they are bound to drift apart. why the hell did I even get married? I knew it would be this way....thought I could deal with it...thought it might change a little...started to accept it..started to be happy with my life...started to enjoy some of my life...yes there were things missing but it was ok...I was a great mother...a good wife...then I got slapped in the face with my h having an a..then life got better with h...then h left....then h returned and told me of the lies he had told...that during the time when I thought things were getting better and that it was just my resentment of things getting better just because of his a (though he wouldn't call it an a then just a friendship he hid from me) he was lying through his teeth and continuing that friendship and conspiring to lie to me with her...to return and have things be even better than they were before..he was awake, attentive, sexual, wanted to hang out and play darts and talk and laugh and be real...only to now resort back to the apathetic behaviour that got us into this mess in the first place and to get defensive and angry at me when I'm not feeling like my needs are being met.
I don't know what the hell to do anymore....
give up and file for d. give up but stay here but feel like I'm compromising myself. act as if this is the way it's supposed to be and that my expectations really are too high and hope that eventually I believe the lies I tell myself.
