John, thanks for your posts. I do believe that he doesn't know what he wants. And this is scary if you think about it. Because we have a child together, a beautiful house and other assets together, families together, a LIFE of 20 years together. But he still doesn't know what he wants. All of these reasons to be with me, and he doesn't know if he wants to be with me or not. To me, that means that his feelings for me really are NOT there. Big Time. Because if they were, it would be a no-brainer that he would come back home. Right?
Now we're in this difficult place because we play family some of the time, and then he goes home and it is single mom and single dad time again. All the while, there is no husband and wife time. None. So I feel the rift is getting larger and larger. And because of his remark a few months ago that he "didn't feel that way with me." when I tried to hold his hand, and now 5 months later, he still doesn't want to hold my hand, etc. Five months of hanging out and he still doesn't feel the right way.
And so if he doesn't feel the right way towards me, then, is there really any other option other than to split up? All the other reasons to stay together mean squat, if the right loving feelings aren't there. And of course I don't mean sparklers, etc. We're mature enough to know that is not reality, especially after 20 years. But to at least want to hold me and cuddle me, and maybe work towards having a sexual relationship again. But there is none of that. Nothing in 5 months of hanging out. I feel that he knows deep in his heart that it is over, but he's afraid to admit it, because once he admits it out loud, there's no going back. He knows I will not stick around.
Why hasn't he filed for D yet? Because we have no money for one thing. And two, because, again, divorce is so final. Once we start saying the D word, the ballgame is going to change for us. And again, I'm afraid he's not quite ready to end things. I am a safety net to a degree. We can still keep our psueudo-family together, as long as we live in limbo.
There's another little twist to things here. I am the breadwinner, and he's dependent on me financially and for health ins. I wonder if that factors in here. He will have to find another occupation and I know he doesn't want to.
I know that there are many people on here who would say I've not given it near enough time, but I love him too much to live life like this. I feel like if I didn't care, then I could go on indefinitely,
What are your thoughts on my thoughts? Does this make sense at all?
