O.K., here's where I'm at: I find it hard to believe h is conflicted; maybe, but unlikely. His process is slow and longterm. As long as ow is on scene (so painful) nothing will happen.
I agree with that, but I do think most As don't last and at some point when there isn't an OW, your H might want to work on your marriage. Esp. when he says she's "the one" as if there is just one right person for him. That is kind of immature thinking I think, and unrealistic, when they have problems as all Rs do, then will he still think she's the one? I don't think so.
I wouldn't file for D unless I was 100% sure about D which you don't sound; it's a difficult and painless (and $$$) process. Your GALing sounds great and I would keep that up. For myself at least I want to spend this year working on myself: my inside and outside, getting stronger, more confident, focusing on my family as well. It doesn't really matter whether I'm D or not, b/c I don't think it's a good idea to rush into dating right away... Karen
Just back from lawyer's office and I'm shaking. We should have sep agmt in 2 weeks.
I had to call h for a few more details. He apologized for his outburst yesterday and thanked me 2X for the e-mail I sent to him afterwards (basically giving him my complete forgiveness, dropping the rope, etc., note).
When I asked him where he was on D, he said "let's just take things in stages." I asked if there was anything more he could tell me about D because I wanted to brace myself; that this was difficult. He said "I have so many things going on in my head right now, I can't think about it. I can't say anything more than I've already said." He had previously described the D as "just a piece of paper".
This is so difficult; I want to have hope but I know that I have to live as if it is over at the same time. Please, please, can anyone share their experiences and methods for getting through this? I am galing, acting as if and trying to keep PMA.
Given his fear of being alone, etc., my worst nightmare is that he is just waiting until things are more solid with ow before filing for D. I don't want to enable that behaviour. It feels like a loss of self-respect for me. I had previously said to him that I thought our m was at least worth having "its own end" rather than a D being dependent on either one of us choosing to be with someone else. For me there is more honour, respect and integrity in proceeding that way. This situation conflicts with my basic values and the significance I place in marriage vows. How do people reconcile these things?
Were you happy in the marriage? If none of this happened would you have felt fufilled and happy in your relationship with your husband? Would you descrbe it as having been a good marriage?
Now with regards to filing for separation or D. How will this affect your life or change it? How will you benefit from D, and what could you lose?
>>my worst nightmare is that he is just waiting until things are more solid with ow before filing for D. I don't want to enable that behaviour.<<
Why? wouldn't divorce just force the R to become more solid with OW because he won't have a choice and he doesn't like being alone? Without a choice he will have no choice but to stay with her... even if he regrets leaving you. Are you hoping that by filing he will decide he doesn't want OW? If so, that's very risky. My personal feeling is that one shouldn't file unless they are truly ready. Don't do it unless you really truly want it. Are you finacially, and emotionally ready for this?
>> This situation conflicts with my basic values and the significance I place in marriage vows. How do people reconcile these things? <<
People are weak, flawed, sometimes childishly selfish and morally confused. Also, we live in a society that encourages this. My husband's actions don't affect my own personal basic values or how I live my life because that's my choice. I can't be responsible for other people's choices only my own. And with that in mind I try to think very carefully about the decisions I make.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Thanks runningoutoftime. You ask good questions that I will have to think about.
Yesterday was a difficult day. I'm feeling more centred again.
I don't want a D... but I wish if my h did that he would move ahead and provide that certainty. But I suppose if I truly respect him, I have to respect his process and timetable.
I have just read your threads and feel for you. It must be a bad place to be to have your H do and say the things he has/is.
I am in a different place though, there has been no talk of 'love' for the OM, nothing but 'just friends'. That has been consistent during our initial separation and false recovery although there have been inconsistancies to the story, there has been no mention of taking it to another level.
I know what you mean regarding the D. I flip flop from one moment to the next. One minute I am hoping for a breakthrough and steadfast in my determination to continue our 'friendship', the next I am very tired of all the emotional strain and want a conclusion one way or the other. Keeping up the hope is the hard thing. Plus I have only been doing this for 5 months in total and 1 months since our false recovery.
It's much easier to say rather than do, but I would honestly hope that you will take time to consider the D, continue to GAL as you have been doing and forget all about the end result.
WIT, just got caught up on your thread. Take things slow. My W wants out but she has agreed to slow down the D. Your H is obviously not completely committed to the D. I was the one to start with the lawyers and I regret it.
I know it is tough right now and confusing. Hope you are OK.
Today I feel sick, physically ill from anxiety. This is not like me at all.
I started ADs a few weeks ago. They should be helping by now.
Finding it difficult to work, to think, to concentrate. Closing door to my office so colleagues can't see me in tears from time to time during the day.
I am cancelling going to a concert tonight with a friend because I can't imagine being able to sit quietly through 2 hours of music. I need to go home and run this anxiety out of my body through physical activity (and I've already had 30 minutes of cardio this a.m.).
I know I'll get through this.... I think it's the ups and downs of it that surprise me. I thought it would just be a slow even progression to finally feeling like myself again. It's not; it's more like a jagged up and down sawing, very slowly getting better overall but still frequently so difficult.
Have plans for tomorrow night for skating and dinner with a friend. It seems like physical activity is the best thing.... I'll XC ski and snowshoe on the weekend.
Well, if nothing else, I may be in great shape by the time my h decides whether/when he wants a d!
I'm so sorry you're upset. I know it's difficult to maintain a happy exterior when you're miserable inside. Try to just close the door, let it out, and move on with your day. As hard as it is to be at work I think it's good to have something to keep your mind otherwise occupied. I'm currently unemployed and when I slip into a funk it's hard to find something else to focus on to pull myself out.
I think you're doing well with your GAL plans. Just keep busy and eventually your emotions will even out. That's what happened with me. I was a wreck with a constant knot in my stomach for two months. But then I turned a corner, realized I can only work on me, and the knot finally went away. I still struggle with the situation, but I'm definitely feeling somewhat better.
I'll send good thoughts your way.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Just arrived home to contractor telling me that my new (old) house has a ceiling that is not to code and will have to be fixed. Probably explains in part the sagging roof. It's all a big hassle but frankly will be easier to deal with by myself than with h - silver linings, I guess!
So, I figured out one of my big issues and I want to put it out there for others to comment on. I have an extreme lack of information about my h... him, the ow, their relationship, etc.
He doesn't seem happy? Why not? Is it just when I have the limited contact with him? Is it me and his feelings of guilt, remorse, regret?
I want more information... against the dbing code. I want to talk to him, put the cards on the table, get it all out.
I've been doing so well in not doing this but the compulsion to do so is growing stronger and stronger. Please tell me something to stop me!
I started crying as soon as I left my office building and cried in the car all the way home.
