ok so back to the tittle of the thread..."am I just an eteranl pessimist?"
I wonder sometimes if what I sense is real or just that I "choose" to look at the darker side of what may be, as if an ending to this m is "inevitable" at some point or another...funny thing is before h actually left (but after disclosure of ow) my mom was moving to a town nearby...I sat one night on my deck and wondered to myslef all the different reasons for her move and though I could come up with many that had nothing to do with me or that were positive relating to me one of my thoughts was "she's moving up here becuase of the inevitable" meaning that her and I both "knew" that this m would end and it would be good for mom to be nearby to help me out with the kids (not that h wasn't going to be around but that he wouldn't be around as much)
thing is I didn't have these feelings the same way I do now...before the sit ow and all, I felt that it would be me that would eventually leave if it were to happen...but now I feel that eventually h will leave again or we will just coast along as usual.
having a hard time with trust. having a hard time recognizing if anything is actually different now than during or before the a. having a hard time respecting myself for accepting "the crap" wanting to feel like I'm someone special to h...wondering if h is someone special to me.
we have a c appointment mon night...I'm not sure how or if to address any of these issues
just confused I guess...wishing things were more like they were when h first started to come around...
