I'm saddened for you. I am also sad b/c I wrote "Kalni" instead of "Sunshine." I didn't want to pressure you by calling you the Sunshine. Right now, it doesn't feel like you want to shine for anyone, especially yourself, and that is what makes me sad.
Your H concerns me. He is locked up and he is oblivious to this fact. You wrote something that struck me:
Quote:
I need to talk to him in front of someone else. He has to listen to me.
Are you two still in MC? If not, WHY NOT? The MC is your neutral 3rd party. If your original MC wasn't cutting it, find another one. It is ok to shop around in therapy just as it is when you are buying a car or a house. You need to feel comfortable w/the person you are counseling with.
Also, Ali mentioned H's "workaholic" issues and this to me is a major red flag. I think it is very safe to say he is a "workaholic" as he can't think of any way to leave either of his jobs. I know this bothers you, but it should be the focus for your piecing.
Your H is in dire need of IC. Period! He is using work to fill some other void. That is what "workaholics" do. That is what all "-aholics" do. There is something deep inside H that only he can discover...and there is little hope of his finding it w/out IC.
Again, this is my .02 here, but my receipe for you would be to insist on MC regularly as well as IC for H (and you may have to go too to make him do his part) instead of any time table.
I hate being blunt, but from experience, I don't see this as having a hope in Hell unless there is group and individual counseling involved.
I resisted IC w/ a passion and spent the first 4-6 weeks believing my XW was the one w/all the problems and not me (well if you've read my threads, we all know she has her share of problems - in fact, she has so many there are at least a couple of dozen people out there who are a few "problems" short of normal b/c my XW has more than her fair share).
However, after I let my guard down, I realized I had a ton of problems of my own to deal with and I started, as FG would say, "doing work." Did it save my marriage? NO. XW didn't do her part but blamed, denied and avoided instead. Did it change me? Yes. Has it saved me to face my "issues"? No question.
You can also have your MC (and IC if you go as well) talk to H's IC and compare information. If he wants things to work, there would be no reason for him to balk at this. This way your concerns will be relayed to his IC and your H's IC will work on the root of the issues b/t you two in his sessions too.
I just see so much denial and repression from H that unless he gets help, it will never come out and your M will be over. He doesn't get it - and neither did I - and he won't get it unless he goes and tries to work on himself.
So, in a long-winded way, I'd tell him you need MC and IC from him if you are going to continue. If he balks, you may have to go b/c you'll be pulling out hair and spinning your wheels looking for answers that only H can find deep w/in himself.
I hope it makes sense, love. I don't want to see you covered behind these grey clouds. I wish I had the power to make the Sunshine beam again.
For now, I'll sit here and support my friend in any way I can. Know my thoughts and heart is w/you, Maria.
I also wonder if it was just an EA and he is not realizing it counts as an A. Either that, or he is in total mourning and outward denial of the A. It is entirely possible that he will talk about it someday. But I think it will be when he is ready, not when you want him to.
Unfortunately, he is going to need a certain level of comfort and confidence that it will not start an argument in order for him to talk about these more sensitive issues.
He doesn't yet understand.
Will you be patient with him? Will you give him some time and guidance?
I know you are tired.
What's going on with counseling? Do you have more appointments scheduled?
(((((((Maria))))))))
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
The C took a break over holidays. I havent called back because I am not sure I like her. But I do want to go back. It felt good for me to be able to vent in a controlled environment.
Today and yesterday things have been quiet. If what we said last is on, then we are again separated. But who knows? I am not calling or doing anything to get closer to him. Sometimes I wonder if I should but all the times I did, I was disappointed by the response. So, I am keeping quiet and have no expectations.
I dont know what is going on in his head. And I cant know unless he tells me. I really cant do much at this phase. I know I am not happy. There is no excitement, I dont miss him. I am totally numb.I am probably doing something wrong but cant figure out what.
The question is, how can he be satified with what is going on? I wonder... K
Btw, I think he had an EA while he lived at home that turned into a PA when he moved out. I believe something didnt work out and they broke up and that although he had time to figure out the grass wasnt any greener, he still needed time to "come back" to ...earth. When I pushed and pushed for the divorce he felt he had to act. And he did. But he wasnt ready to do the job. He hoped/expected that I would do it for him. I WILL NOT. Cant and dont want to... K
This is becoming a mystery. If I think back to my sitch, after we tried it again, my ex began to make it unbearable again. It was almost like she was forcing ME to break away. I see a ceratin pattern developping in a couple of piecing cases and I wonder if that is a possibility. They tried (in their minds), it isn't working so now they make it difficult for us in order to push us to end it.
I wouldn't say he is satisfied K, he's just coping - just like you are. Excitement? Is there supposed to be excitement in M? Don't those feelings only last a short time and then the hum drum of daily life kicks in for the rest of the R? Miss him? Well, I would hope you don't miss him like you did when he first left. That would be devastating. You have learned to live your life without him so having him there is just a bonus. Numb? That I understand. I live my life in as much numbness as possible so I don't have to feel the pain. I don't think you are doing anything wrong just because you aren't feeling anything. You are still in limboland.
Please find another counselor. If you didn't like her then there is really no point in going back to her. Find another one. Shop around. You need to be comfortable with whoever you are seeing. Also, are you still going to IC? If not, why not? I really feel you need that still.
I have nothing but total respect for your determination to stick this out so that in the end, whatever that may bring, you will have no regrets.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Been following your thread still and am very saddened at his lack of passion to come back (& I don't just mean sexual). I went back to rereading some emails the H and I exchanged in the beginning of our coming back together. Now I know that every situation is different but still there are huge things that are missing that are necessary for a coming back together.
It's a hard road under the best circumstances. I can't see any type of healing for Kalni until he admits, feels remorse, wants her more than air, calls, text, apologize a lot, whispers sweet nothings in her ear, brings flowers a lot, compliments her, the list of things that were there in the beginning. Romance and Passion. Love and understanding. Compassion and admittance of wrongs.
I understand why you need and deserve these things kalni because without them, I wouldn't be piecing with my H. My IC says my H should write the book on how to come back to a marriage.
I feel your pain sister, because when I reached my hand back out to my H, if I hadn't got back in return what I did, I would be as lost and frankly pissed off that I screwed myself again.
I am glad you have set some kind of boundary (deadline) to this behavior. It really is dragging to much.
He's checked out and it would appear he's just not that into you. I think it's because he is still broken and hasn't got his sh*t together. I am not saying that he doesn't love you, care for you, or need you. What I am trying to say is he hasn't figured it out yet how to do it because for whatever reason he's not MOTIVATED enough yet. He may get there and he may not but you need to focus on yourself again and make your self happy.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
