I know I am new at this so I am not real confident in giving advice yet but I will tell you this from my experience in the past.
H and I seperated 4 years ago for 18 months. It was not due to an A at that time. When I finally got him back home I did ask one day why it took so long for him to decided to come back.
His response.......you let me move out.
I guess he felt he was getting me back by dragging out the reconciliation. He knew he wanted to come back for a while but could not get over the fact that I had just let him leave.
I am not sure when it comes to your sitch but I thought I should share that with you.
I have long said that most of our spouses want us to fight for them. Sometimes it's hard to tell the line between "detachment" and "apathy," but they DO want us to fight for them!
I think you both have something there. My W has said that she doesn't think I really love her and that she doesn't think I'm really interested in reconciling either. I don't know what she bases that on, because I've consistently said that I want to work on our M and she has consistently shot me down. Nonetheless, she has said those things, so there must be something there. I don't know how to fight for her w/out the pursuing that DB says will only turn her off. It is such a delicate thing and hard to balance. Any tips on how I can fight for her without pushing her further away? WP
What does she feel like she is competing with for you and your time? I always felt like I was competing with alcohol and sometimes his other buddies. I would nag. He would remove farther. I would nag more....you remember the picture.
You need to figure out what it is that she is basing this "You don't really love me" on.
Mel
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
The one thing that stuck with me is my H has repeatedly said "actions speak louder than words". The words to your W that you want to work on your M don't mean as much as actions that you are taking. This may go back to stopping R talks, and taking action so to reconnect and be friends. The friendship will lead her to want to spend more time with you and on and on.
She's not competing with anything. I leave work everday at 5 pm; I don't go out with other friends, I spend all of my free time with her and our D. In fact, she says I'm too clingy and she wants me to go out and have my own friends. I'm really beginning to think her saying that is just a way to diffuse some of her own guilt for what she says and does. I've gone out of my way in words and actions to show her that I love her and that I want to rebuild our R, even just starting as friends and slowly working back towards a marriage. She's just not interested. She hardly ever calls to see how I am doing, she never asks to spend anytime with me; I'm the only one who does those things and when I do she shoots them down. She did that the past 2 nights in a row. The night before last after we put our D to bed I asked if she wanted to watch TV with me, she said no because that's the time she likes to talk on the phone. Then last night after our D went to bed I asked if she wanted to play cards, she again said no because she wanted to shower and go straight to bed. So I went to bed and what did she do after she showered? She got on the computer. I think she's full of sh*t! She has shown zero interest in getting to know me as a friend or even an acquaintance. She says she doesn't think I love her because if I did I wouldn't have talked to my family about the details of what's going on after she moved out and announced she wanted a D; she also says that I wouldn't have called the police on her the day she decided to wreck a bunch of things in our house while our D was sitting there. I don't buy her crap anymore. WP
As you can tell by reading my response to Mel, I'm not doing well this morning. My W is playing games with me. 3 nights ago I asked her if she wanted to get to know me again, she said yes, and then for the past 2 nights shot down any attempt I made to just spend time as friends. Then this morning I go into work, and when I call her she just puts our D on the phone and hangs it up when our D is done talking, so I call back and she has an attitude with me because we don't have any starter logs at home for the fireplace. She's just looking for excuses to fight. I'm trying on making the rest of this month as peaceful as possible, but I just don't know if it's possible because I'm only human and she does everything in her power to incite me. I didn't give her an attitude back this morning, but it is so hard, especially when I know she has no real interest in me. She hardly looks me in the eye, she does absolutely nothing at all to try to connect with me on any level. I'm really trying to rebuild our friendship, but she is trying to do the opposite, which makes it soo hard. Thanks for checking on me and praying for me.
I'm really beginning to think her saying that is just a way to diffuse some of her own guilt for what she says and does . . . I think she's full of sh*t! She has shown zero interest in getting to know me as a friend or even an acquaintance. She says she doesn't think I love her because if I did I wouldn't have talked to my family about the details of what's going on after she moved out and announced she wanted a D; she also says that I wouldn't have called the police on her the day she decided to wreck a bunch of things in our house while our D was sitting there. I don't buy her crap anymore. WP
