I should add to all this how things are going today....
h has called several times... h volunteered to return a damaged pool vacuum and pick up some more supplies. h volunteered to pick up some new computer software. h admitted to doing these things because he 1. wanted to get it done 2. because I've got enough to do and it isn't easy going from store to store with the kids. in running these errands h has called at least 5 times. when I offered to get the software his response was...no this way when I get home we can all stay home. h even offered to finish vacuuming the pool when he gets home.
If I didn't know better, I'd say you were listing a few positives about your H there. Nah, couldn't be. I don't know if I'd call them positives...more like squirmings...he seems to know he's up sh!ts creek...what he doesn't seem to know is that he's using the wrong paddle leaving the one that will get him back to clear water resting on the floor of the boat.
LL, I've had some of the same thoughts regarding nice things that my W does that she also did during her A, and therefore discounting their value. For example, there were occasions in which my W wanted to go out with "the girls" (OG, naturally), and would approach me in the nicest, sweetest way to get my concurrence. I gave in every time, even though it meant never going out myself, and babysitting after a long week of work. Now, when my W asks for my concurrence on something, I would almost rather she be rude and demanding - the nice, sweet way reminds a lot of the old A days. But really, it's not fair to mentally penalize her whether she's sweet or rude, is it? I can't have it both ways. In your case, you're penalizing your H whether he calls in the morning or not, whether he kisses you goodbye or not. That's not fair, is it? I don't know if I'm personalizing it or simply not looking at it as any type of step closer to the type of r I want...it's the stuff that was there all along...even in the bad days..so is it really a positive? not saying they are negatives mind you simply not giving them any extra credit.
I also think you're being a little unfair about the flowers. My youngest boy likes giving my W flowers. On a few occasions I've picked up some flowers and let him give them to her. I figured it made him happy, and since she obviously knew who actually bought them, I would receive "credit" for giving them, even if I never said anything further. I thanked both son and h...I thanked h several times..ok maybe I did get a little bratty and say "I should get sick more often" but I did give the credit to HIM for them...I just wonder though why h always makes them be from son? son picks flowers for me himself from the yard
I guess my point is that you are currently looking for reasons to minimize everything he does, rather than looking to "catch him" doing nice things. Yes, the little things he's doing may not seem like much, and he could be doing them as a cover, or without thought, but maybe you should consider the alternative - that these things are his little ways of showing love. He probably doesn't remember that he did those things during the A, doesn't realize the hypocrisy, ah but you realize the hypocracy don't you? so cut him a little slack. I'm sure my W has absolutely no idea that her sweet kisses and warm goodbyes can sometimes send shivers up my spine.
Back to sex (for me, it's always back to sex!). You said that your H read a part of DR, but that you'd given up with that since he didn't get very far with it. Hey, at least he was open to it a little. I still haven't gotten my W to read page 1 of "After the Affair" or DR. The book of Michele's I was referring to was "The Sex Starved Marriage". Wouldn't it be worth at least seeing if you could get him to read it? No harm in asking, right? Maybe you could get him to read chapter 1, and continue if he found it interesting. I've already mentioned the book to him a few times...he's not interested.
I agree with others here. Your H sounds like a basically nice guy who is mostly (and and maybe willingly elaborate willingly ) blind to your unhappiness, but who wants your M to work and wants you to be happy. Don't give up just yet. how many threads do I have? ok stop laughing now...there have been many times that it would apear to others that LL's gone off the deep end and is a waw "without legs as charcoal put it" I've seen divorce...I don't like it...not for the kids and more importantly not for either party involved, it's going to take a lot for me to truly quit...a full waw "alien" I will never be.
Brian
wanna know what bugs me the most? too bad I'm gonna tell ya anyway! before the seperation, after the disclosure of ow, things were great...h talked more, we had sex more, we went out at least once a week and most of the time by h's initiating, h would get out the cards and we'd play rummy 500 at least one night a week...until he left! I didn't find db until almost 3 months after he left...then I knew that I should have just kept my mouth shut about ow and enjoyed the new r with h instead of being resentful. But ya know what I found out when h finally came home? that he had still been seeing ow during that time and was lying to me about it!
now I get a h who doesn't have the time or even seem to have the desire to go out with me, doesn't initiate much more qt than let's watch foxnews, intimacy? sure whenever he's in the mood, and ow is supposedly gone.
