H and I are doing our best to keep the communication lines open but I have to admit that I still spend a lot of time being afraid. Things that come out during our discussions get my heart to pounding and start making me feel nauseaus. I manage to maintain an even keel during our talks; I think it is because I appreciate the fact that he is finally starting to open up and I dont want to jeapordize that...but when I get by myself it seems that the bad things said just keep rearing their ugly heads more so then the good things. One of my goals is to get this type of thinking under control because I KNOW that it is self destuctive but man is it hard. I do my best to keep my mind/body preoccupied (clean,practice guitar,walk,exercise,art) but the past few days my thoughts just keep going negative. I keep wondering how long will it be before we backslide to the beginning? H has freely admitted that he goes for a few weeks and everything is good and looking up and then he just spirals down one day and it takes over. I go nuts trying to think of ways and things to keep him motivated but I seem to end up with this sinking feeling that I am falling short.
The upside is that my goals are being met...there are only a couple that haven't been yet and I am hoping that with time I'll accomplish even these. I keep going over them to see if I need to make new ones or maybe expand the ones I have but I can't come up with anything. I do try to tell myself to practice what H does, take it one day at a time but the past barges in and gets me flustered about the future. This then gives my goals a limited perspective
If you have read my threads and this post then you can probably tell that I have reached a juncture where I am in a tangled knot and can't seem to unravel the darn thing. Any suggestions?
Thanks, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
