We stepped into another restaurant on the way, and then found the place he was looking for. He had thought it was Cafe MXXXX (where we met for the evening), but it was actually Cafe MZZZZZZ, where we ended up eating. I said it looked good, we went in and they told us to sit anywhere we wanted. I asked him where he'd like to sit and he said, "I picked the place, you pick where we sit" with a little smile. I got sort of flustered looking for The Perfect Table and I turned to him and said jokingly, "i hate this, can you just pick the table? I promise I won't be mad!"
He picked a table and sat down. he complimented my coat. I spun around and showed him the embroidery on the back. It was REALLY hot in the restaurant but I felt self-conscious about showing off my sexy shoulders ( ) so I kept on my layers... I asked him to tell me more about what charities he was thinking about donating to for his brothers, and he told me about this charity research website he had found that was really helpful, and how he found out about it from the church he used to participate in, in Boston.
B asked me how visiting my family was and I said that they had been gone a lot of the time that I was home, because they were helping my cousin move (and he has a woodshop and an enormous collection [like hundreds or maybe even thousands] of giant goldfish). Including on new year's eve, when my mom had wanted to celebrate by watching movies and dancing, but I ended up going running and doing yoga to celebrate new year's alone.
B said, "did you know that the french for goldfish is 'poisson rouge?'" (literal translation: "red fish"--and the name of a hot club here in NYC were he plays sometimes). He said he learned this when he was telling his cousin's new wife, a Parisian, about a recent gig. he also explained that his cousin "did not believe in marriage at all" but basically married her so she could stay in the US and they could be together. I was in the process of telling him about a teacher at my grad school who was from Scotland and when she first was working in the US, she dated this man and when her visa was about to run out, she basically said, "Do you want to get married or not, because if not, I need to get on a plane and go home" but in the middle of that sentence a waiter came to talk to us.
We ordered very light food--he said he had had a very late lunch, and I had too. he got a soup, and I got a tofu salad. When we got our food, he offered me some of his soup (which I thought was nice) but I forgot to return the favor!!! We talked about my salad... it looked like fried mozzarella sticks, but they were actually fried tofu sticks, and then a skyscraper-like pile of lettuce that was actually balanced atop a base of seaweed (?), avocado, and cucumber, and some small brown rectangles that I *think* were tofu but I joked could possibly be beef tenderloin... B said he liked how they presented the salad and I quoted David Sedaris's essay about how in Manhattan, the food looks like the real estate... tall and skinny and piled high...
The whole time I felt really stressed and overwhelmed still. I felt like I was having a hard time staying cool, and sort of distracted. B seemed much more relaxed to me, maybe he was a little stoned (?) or maybe he was trying to show me that it would be OK, or maybe he was just calmer, I don't know.
He told me that a friend of his, and his friend's wife, had just moved to Sarasota, and B was able to visit them while he was down there with his quartet. B's friend had been struggling to make a career as a baritone opera singer, and recently someone suggested he start trying to work as a tenor. B's friend had a total identity crisis about this, but decided to try it, and now he's got work lined up back-to-back as an opera singer, which is really exciting.
B had asked me a few times how long I would be in town and I was sort of vague about it. He asked me again and I explained how it depended whether or not I got some cello lessons, and I explained how the earliest one of the teachers could see me was Sunday afternoon, but I hadn't been practicing and had basically decided not to do it, especially because one of the teacher's lesson fee is REALLY expensive, but this morning when I discussed it with the friend I'm staying with, she said I should think about doing it or paying for it even if I DON'T to show them that I was serious about working for them in the future. B said he was confused about my motivation for wanting to meet them. I explained that they were people I'd like to work with long-term, either in school or possibly out of school. He asked, "seriously? that guy is really expensive" and I said, "well, it's WAY less expensive to study with him privately than to pay full price to go to Juilliard". I asked if my explanation was unconvincing because my behavior (contacting them but then not preparing to meet them) was so conflicted. He made some really good observations: if I was setting up meetings with them to create a goal to motivate myself to work harder, I shouldn't meet them, because obviously it wasn't working; if I wanted to study with them in school, I should meet them ASAP because sooner is always better in that situation; if I just wanted to meet them to get to know them, to wait until I felt more ready; if they met me, they might like me or dislike me for any number of reasons: for example, every teacher sees something different, so if they see that I have potential that they could help me with, even if I was having a bad day or week, they would still be able to see that. on the flip side, if I was really advanced but my technique was really different than theirs, they probably wouldn't be that interested in working with me because they would basically have to strip me down to the foundation and start over. All of this was really helpful, but I still don't know what I should do about meeting with them......
At this point I myself was feeling somewhat overwhelmed by the topic, so i thought I should change the subject instead of persist in my confusion.
At some point he told me that he needed to be either home or off the subway by 9 pm, when he had a conference call with his quartet. I felt disappointed, because I had picked the "dinner" option so things might be more open-ended, and though we met at 6, that was still only maybe 2 hours before he had to hop on the train, but I didn't say anything. I know enough not to make a disappointed face, but he knows me so well, I'm afraid that the disappointment just leaks out uncontrollably.
He started talking to me about his plans with his quartet, how he is really excited about the new permanent replacement violinist, and how she is really taking charge. There was an awkward moment when he said, "It's really good to have a new woman [pause] in the quartet". But I don't think that he was trying to "tell me" something, I think he just realized what it sounded like and added "in the quartet" to clarify. He has talked before about how the replacement balances out the extremely stubborn female cellist in his group. Even though they haven't even had a rehearsal together yet, the new replacement violinist is already spearheading efforts to improve the website, and organized a photo shoot that they're doing tomorrow to make sure they have new, better photos. He discussed at length the difficulties he's had setting up a concert with his alma mater in LA. They finally (after a year of talking) got a final date for their concert this february. He said that working with his alma mater was so difficult he just wanted to rock out with his quartet, pack the hall with all his friends, and then wash his hands of the entire endeavor. He also talked about being excited to prepare for an international competition next year (2010) in Canada. Throughout all of this I was smiling, nodding, and saying things like, "congratulations!", etcetera. I asked him about the repertoire they were preparing for their next concert, he told me about it, and how he was excited to work with the new violinist because she also seemed to think outside the box. He also talked to me about how sometimes he wonders what it would be like to have a different cellist in his group, but working with other cellists this past year he's realized that everyone just has different flaws, and he is very familiar with his group's cellist's flaws and might as well continue to work with her for now. I thought this was interesting, because I have wondered at times why he has chosen to commit his career to these people. I didn't say anything, but I told him I thought his attitude was really mature. (In retrospect, it sounds a little bit like my philosophy of committed relationships, but I did not point that out).
When we finished our food, he asked if I wanted to get dessert or something at that restaurant, or check out another place nearby. We looked at the dessert menu but I said, "hey, it would be nice to experience two new places in one night," especially since he seemed interested in showing it to me. He mentioned this really special secret bar nearby-- it is inside a famous hot dog restaurant, and there is a phone booth. You go into the phone booth, press the button on the phone, and then a secret door opens! I *THINK* he said he tried to get reservations by calling at 3.30 (today??) but the only reservations he could get were for before 6 or after 11. I'm *almost* positive he was talking about reservations he tried to make for today, in which case, that would have been Good News #3--he tried to create a special experience for me.
We walked to a little tea house, but it was totally empty except for the lady working behind the counter, and it seemed like it would have been awkward to have a conversation, so we left. A couple doors down was this hot dog place called "EAT ME". They have this incredible logo of a woman lasciviously embracing a really phallic hot dog. We went inside and looked at the menu and B pointed out the phone booth that was the secret entrance to the "please don't tell" bar he told me he couldn't get reservations for. On the way out we admired the "eat me" brand merchandise, including thongs emblazoned with the "eat me" logo, and I made a joke, "Santa didn't bring me an 'eat me thong', here is my opportunity..."
Once outside, he asked what I was interested in doing next. He said he didn't know where else to go, but he did know some bars in the area. I asked him if he wanted to go to a bar, or if he wanted assistance finding a place to have dessert (I actually had a short list of places near the restaurant that I looked up in advance, but I didn't want to blurt that out). He asked if it would be OK if we just walked back to the subway together, and I said that was fine (even though of course I was disappointed, it felt like the night was going by really quickly).
He told me he had a new years' resolution to fail more often--how he was putting together a website and starting a blog on his website, and doing it himself with this inexpensive software. (WHY does he keep telling me about his websites?? and now he has a blog? I am afraid to look at them lest I become a CYBERSTALKER). He told me he realized he was so afraid of failure, and how other people around him seemed to take it in stride when they made a bad album, or people didn't like their songs, or they printed an ugly t shirt design, or whatever. I told him I really liked his goal. He asked me if I had any new years resolutions, and I said, "maybe to floss more often?" and we talked about my mom's excitement about my family's new (hot) young dentist. Then I told him, honestly, I am so tired from my degree, and I've been thinking and striving so hard, maybe I should resolve just to take a break from thinking about it. I briefly told him about a recent conversation I had with a friend about how I had been in an existential crisis all semester, and really soul-searching and wondering what I should do next and still so confused, and my friend recommended that I take a break for a month from thinking about it at all. My friend's two pieces of evidence were: When you take a standardized test, if you skip the hard questions, your subconscious will still be processing them while you work on the easy questions. Her other piece of advice was from a sex advice column, about a gay man who was in a loving relationship but had so many negative associations with his sexual orientation that he couldn't have an orgasm. The columnist recommended that he and his partner try NOT to have orgasms for a month... and then see what happens! B definitely laughed at this. I would have liked to ask him for more advice about my future, but it did not seem like the right moment.
We strolled past a wine store and he said he wanted to pick up some wine and asked me if I wanted to come. This was a MAJOR improvement over his weird behavior at the end of our last meeting together. In the wine store we joked about the store and the wine. He mentioned in the checkout aisle that his best friend from college was coming to visit tomorrow. I am not sure for how long... I felt sad because if he has an out of town guest AND is busy with string quartet rehearsals it seems EXTREMELY unlikely that I"ll see him again this week, and then it will be March at the earliest, May or June more probably.
He made a reference to one of our favorite shows, "arrested development", and I told him I'd been getting into "30 rock". He mentioned that alex baldwin came to the summer camp he taught at this summer, and I got excited and asked jokingly, "did you get to... lick him?" B said that baldwin was actually kind of a dick.
We got to the subway and I waited while he reloaded his card. Then I said, "it was great to see you!" and we had another slightly-more-torso-contact hug. I told him I hoped he had fun with his friend coming to visit, and preparing with his quartet for their trip this weekend. He wished me luck with my cello teacher stuff, and I said, "see you around!" and turned around and walked away.
I went down the stairs and realized after a few moments that he was waiting on the opposite side of the platform... but a few feet down and with his back turned to me. I tried to watch him out of the corner of my eye... I felt so sad. I didn't know what to do with myself so I also turned away. I looked back and saw that he had turned to watch a percussionist performing on upside-down buckets (classic subway instrument), and I felt envious that he had something to pretend to watch! I couldn't see his face, it was obscured by pipes running under the ceiling of the subway right at eye level between the platforms... then my train came.
In retrospect, I'm not sure how I did--or why it felt so hard. I didn't prepare a list of fun topics to discuss, I was just trying to stay focused on what he was saying and calm myself down. As soon as it was over I thought of all these fun, silly things I could have told him.
I think it was OK--definitely not as awkward as weird as our meeting in August, but without the length or spontaneous singing of our meeting in June. It's just so anticlimactic to not see him for 5 months and then see him once for a little bit over 2 hours. And on the way home i was like, DAMNIT! I should have shown off my sexy shoulders!!
I'm not sure where to go from here. Before he texted me to set up the meeting, I basically felt like doing nothing. Now I do not know how to proceed.
Sleep on it. Probably a few times. There's no rush to do anything. He was clearly a bit more comfortable with you, so what you are doing must be working, at least a bit!
Should have shown the shoulders, though! Now I'm all worked up.....
Hey T!....Well done! This sounds VERY good! I am pleasantly surprised that it went so well. Seems it went well, dont you think? (he has the MOON in Pisces, so love planet Venus is about to go over it!)
Some observations.. I liked that he was so easy going and I agree, it sounds like he wanted to 'show' you the secret bar and was a little disappointed he couldnt.. maybe something to do next time hey?
I was really glad to hear he was asking how long you are in town for.. my ex never ever has asked me questions of that natiure.. he didnt even ask me what I was doing for christmas, just said he wanted to be sure I'd still be at home for a few days to get my parcel.. so I liked that he asked you and it did seem as though he would meet up with you again?
I liked his point about meeting the cello teacher.. whether they COULD work with you or not, seems like he really engaged in the dilemma and got quite involved with your sitch, that seemed caring and genuine.
Bit of a shame on the ending.. with you being on different platforms, but that WOULD be awkward, I can imagine. So, you said, "see you soon" ? what did he say? He surprised you by keeping the contact going...you didnt know what to do and then he texted to see if you were in town! So for now..have faith and wait and see if he texts?? What are your plans for hanging around till Sunday?
My advice...you should try and see him again on the weekend before you go home. Astrologically, its an important weekend... theres a Full Moon in Cancer, linked to Uranus in Pisces and Mercury goes backwards on Saturday night too. So.. its a time of emotional revelations, might be surprising and therefore, unexpected, but whatever it is, its supposed to be information to your benefit, that we needed to know and isnt bad in the long run. I dont know, just seems a good weekend to meet him again, maybe you, or he will reveal something or find something out which either helps, or releases you in some way.
Lastly... I noticed that you are perhaps a bit timid around him.. with not wanting to make decisions or appear to be controlling.. but he is a smart guy and he will notice this. Perhaps its too obvious you are trying to 'please' him, so I would just say to have a think about that one. When you said..
"I said it looked good, we went in and they told us to sit anywhere we wanted. I asked him where he'd like to sit and he said, "I picked the place, you pick where we sit" with a little smile. I got sort of flustered looking for The Perfect Table and I turned to him and said jokingly, "i hate this, can you just pick the table? I promise I won't be mad!"
.. so he did pick up on the fact that you keep acquiesing (sp!) to him and asked you to pick the seat.. so try and gaurd against ALWAYS being like that around him, it might be a little off putting you know? You wouldnt do it with a friend.. be more confident perhaps around him, or less fearful maybe that he will get spooked by the slightest decisive behaviour on your part. Does that help? Something to think on anyway.
Otherwise.. dont be afraid to show off your figure next time, even if you dont bare your flesh. Men are visual and you do need him to be looking at you and thinking.. Mmm.. T's looking good! Its great that he complimented your coat though hey.
I thought it went well and you should congratulate yourself! Its hard though.. as of course it leaves you wanting more and SO MUCH more, I know. Whats your plan for this week then?
You are a marvel. Thanks so much for your encouragement. It really means a lot to me. I feel like [censored] today, I think no matter how good it went I would be hurting now.
he is actually a gemini, not a piscean. Does that change your assessment of what I should do before I leave NYC sunday afternoon?
I totally know what you mean about the indescisive thing. It actually came up before in June when he was like, "I picked the dinner place, I picked the dessert place, YOU pick whether we eat inside or on the patio!" I used to be MEGA controlling about ... everything?? so it is my attempt at 180 to let him make as many decisions as possible, but I think I might be going overboard.
I can see how it would come off as not very confident. It is hard to fake confidence right now because I am feeling sort of... all around un confident about my life and everything. Maybe I just need to sing that sound from "the sound of music" ("strength comes in nights of peaceful slumbers...")
I also feel really silly that I didn't take off my little jacket and show off my shoulders. I mean, what do I have to lose, right? The skirt was really awesome and sort of transparent up to mid-thigh though (in a non-slutty way... hard to explain) so at least my legs were on full view!! (though covered in snuggly tights)!
Did you think it was as if he would see me again this visit, or see me again period? He doesn't even know if I'll decide to stay in town through the weekend, and he leaves sometime on Saturday. I really WANT to see him again, but without pushing or pursuing. Since the "lunch in maine thing" blew up in my face, I am hesitant to put myself out there. Also, in June when I didn't push for another meeting, he asked me to see his concert, but in August when I pushed for another meeting, he blew me off via text. So it seems like pushing does not "work". But if he doesn't even know how long I"m in town for, why would he ask to see me again?
Maybe I could text him something like: "thanks so much for your advice. I decided to keep my appointments and take the lesson sunday afternoon" so he would know I was in town without me asking to see him?
Or if I really wanted to be bold, I could text him something like, "Hey, would you want to visit the Please Don't Tell Bar on friday night with J [his out of town friend who I like]? Text me if you want me to make a reservation." But that is the night before he leaves, so he might be busy/packing...??
At the end I just said, "see you around" which has to be the vaguest possible goodbye EVER on my part, I think he just smiled at me or something, there wasn't a clear response to that.
) so I kept on my layers... I asked him to tell me more about what charities he was thinking about donating to for his brothers, and he told me about this charity research website he had found that was really helpful, and how he found out about it from the church he used to participate in, in Boston.