I'm saddened for you. I am also sad b/c I wrote "Kalni" instead of "Sunshine." I didn't want to pressure you by calling you the Sunshine. Right now, it doesn't feel like you want to shine for anyone, especially yourself, and that is what makes me sad.
Your H concerns me. He is locked up and he is oblivious to this fact. You wrote something that struck me:
Quote:
I need to talk to him in front of someone else. He has to listen to me.
Are you two still in MC? If not, WHY NOT? The MC is your neutral 3rd party. If your original MC wasn't cutting it, find another one. It is ok to shop around in therapy just as it is when you are buying a car or a house. You need to feel comfortable w/the person you are counseling with.
Also, Ali mentioned H's "workaholic" issues and this to me is a major red flag. I think it is very safe to say he is a "workaholic" as he can't think of any way to leave either of his jobs. I know this bothers you, but it should be the focus for your piecing.
Your H is in dire need of IC. Period! He is using work to fill some other void. That is what "workaholics" do. That is what all "-aholics" do. There is something deep inside H that only he can discover...and there is little hope of his finding it w/out IC.
Again, this is my .02 here, but my receipe for you would be to insist on MC regularly as well as IC for H (and you may have to go too to make him do his part) instead of any time table.
I hate being blunt, but from experience, I don't see this as having a hope in Hell unless there is group and individual counseling involved.
I resisted IC w/ a passion and spent the first 4-6 weeks believing my XW was the one w/all the problems and not me (well if you've read my threads, we all know she has her share of problems - in fact, she has so many there are at least a couple of dozen people out there who are a few "problems" short of normal b/c my XW has more than her fair share).
However, after I let my guard down, I realized I had a ton of problems of my own to deal with and I started, as FG would say, "doing work." Did it save my marriage? NO. XW didn't do her part but blamed, denied and avoided instead. Did it change me? Yes. Has it saved me to face my "issues"? No question.
You can also have your MC (and IC if you go as well) talk to H's IC and compare information. If he wants things to work, there would be no reason for him to balk at this. This way your concerns will be relayed to his IC and your H's IC will work on the root of the issues b/t you two in his sessions too.
I just see so much denial and repression from H that unless he gets help, it will never come out and your M will be over. He doesn't get it - and neither did I - and he won't get it unless he goes and tries to work on himself.
So, in a long-winded way, I'd tell him you need MC and IC from him if you are going to continue. If he balks, you may have to go b/c you'll be pulling out hair and spinning your wheels looking for answers that only H can find deep w/in himself.
I hope it makes sense, love. I don't want to see you covered behind these grey clouds. I wish I had the power to make the Sunshine beam again.
For now, I'll sit here and support my friend in any way I can. Know my thoughts and heart is w/you, Maria.
