Yep, Mike, he sees her occasionally (about once a month). I think I'll get him back sometime next week...

I had another "click" tonight...I think I missed documenting the last one (I'll have to go back and see), but for tonight:

I cried hard for about an hour. I had sent an email to X, asking him to please pay the town taxes he owes so I can get my car registered. This was his response:

Quote:
please, i know when the taxes were due. i also know that your reg was up in oct. i am hoping to have them done tomorrow, i will let you know for sure.

thanks

Now, knowing him as long as I have (had?), I can "hear" the anger, the contempt. It just made me so sad. I started with some if-only-ies. If only I had been able to love him more than I loved myself while the sh!t was happening, really not be selfish, then I would have loved him enough to let him go, respect his choices, focus on myself. Let go. Damn, I clung on so hard and so long. I hurt myself, I hurt and frustrated him - the resistance.
I know why I did what I did - I hurt so incredibly much, I felt like I was dying, that it was life or death. I honestly believed that I would die without him, and almost did (but for my two children). But it was with little to no regard to how he felt. I just wasn't strong enough to put him before me and my feelings. I took the "to death do us part" piece, two flesh become one, too literally.
He told me once that he had let his gf go, when she was trying to decide whether to save her own marriage.
That's what he wanted from me, that's what he asked for. He still wanted me in his life, just in a different way.

I just couldn't. Or wouldn't, I don't know.

I keep thinking of that stupid quote, If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours in the first place.

Why couldn't I get this so much earlier? I find myself thinking that the end result of all this was mostly my fault, all over again. So many people were telling me what I should be doing, and I didn't do it. My weakness doomed it.

Another thing comes back - I may be "right," but I'm also the one who is alone. I was so certain that I knew what was best for us, for him. I can understand how he felt disrespected, why he got so angry.

I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to carry anger, or hate, or resentment around for the rest of my life. Having a feeling of superiority and labeling him crazy, or anything else, just seems like a lame way to make me feel better. I can't have him, so he must be so messed up that I don't want him, anyway.

I remember back to reading the testimonial of the guy who was always empathetic to his confused wife, helped her locate an apartment and move, etc. He showed her that he loved her more than himself.

My weaknesses, my fears, my emotional immaturity....I couldn't fathom doing that. Maybe if I had really loved him, for him and who he was, I would have been able to.

The same lack of boundaries that made him feel taken advantage of, also prevented me from seeing him as an individual who also had the right to make choices about what would bring him happiness, choices about his life. Meanwhile, I became a child, stomping my foot and yelling No!

When I finally stopped crying at 7, I wanted to go out to the car to tell him all this when he came to drop off the kids at 7:30. I wanted to tell him all this, and how sorry I was, and that I didn't want him to be angry and hate me forever. That I really do hope he is happy, and that she takes care of him.
Thank God I didn't.

I lost so much. I know that is of little use to look backwards, but I only want to learn what I can about myself so I can move forward. It is only in dreams when the last two years are erased (except for the knowledge gained) and he is home. Then I wake up, and deal with what is, today.

I have learned so much, but at such a great expense. And my children will suffer for my lacking.