Don't look back

[cz946]

Ok, its been a long time since my last post, and to tell you the truth I have been away from this site for awhile. My D was final Sep 18. I think it was the hardest day of my life. This was the first holiday I have spent with out w in 13 years. The good thing is I spent most of the two weeks with D5, but I could tell I was really depressed. Lack of sleep, lazy, just kind of blah. So I came back for some inspiration. It worked. Reading the post from others helps me get through the day.

So an update. Been divorced since Sept 18. Have joint custody of d5. Have regular communication with XW. At least a txt or phone call every 2days. Have went to dinner several times and always end up taking about R. Doesn't get heated, just the wish things were different, if I could change things, etc... She always reiterates, that she will always love me, JNILWM line. For the most part we get along really well, but I have had a few backslides as well.

For instance a month or so ago, I am taking d5 to dinner, and we driver by the local bowling alley. D5 says " that the place momma and that guy in his two daughter. His name is Mark like uncle Mark." Here comes the anger. I call her and tell her nice that I hear about it from d5 and nice you are already taking her around other men. I instantly think its the guy she works with, turns out it a different guy. We talk for a few minutes and she tells me there were a group of friends not just them. I don't believe this. But anyway I flew off the handle, and shes right. She really doesn't have to tell me anything we are D.

There are other examples as well. I will disclose them later.
I guess the point of this post is that I have decided this weekend that there is no looking back now! I have been contantly going back looking for excuses, dwelling on the past, picking her brain everytime I see her.

Don't get me wrong, its full steam ahead try to reconcile the M. Just have to work on being the new and improved me. Like others, still hopeful and whitney, I am a way better father now than before. XW recognizes this and tells me all the time. I am in better shape than I been in years. Spend six days a week in the gym. No money for anything else. So I am thinking, I will treat my XW like I just met her. What I mean is, if she tells me something that upsets me. I wont let her know. I will just file it away and chaulk it up to her built in anger.

She has been telling me all along that she wants to be my friend, and she is guarded with me because she doesn't want to hurt me anynore, cause she knows I want more. of course I do, but I just realized if I am not willing to just be friends and stop pushing I may do more damage. Besides the better friends we become the more contact.

So I am not going to look back onl;y forward. I will post again later. I want to get some opinions on the advise from others, family and friends, etc.. I am taking my d5 swimming now.

One more interesting thing, she told me this Friday during dinner. That she divorced me, because she thought I was going to abandon her first.


Keep the faith!!
Thanks
CZ
me: 34
XW: 29
D: 5
T: 13
M:9
Dday: Sep 18, 08
joint legal and physical custody of child