It is just business

[JCJ]

(((Ali))) that is so helpful, I will think about it tomorrow and see what my options are. Thanks so much!

(((Mishka))) I know, he can't initiate divorce anyway before 2 years he has no reson to divorce me! i.e. infidelity etc. I am going to think about my options very a seriously over the next couple of months. This is dragging me down so much. There is a lot to be said for taking things a step at a time but there is also a lot to be said for drawing out the agony. Why can I not just be done???!!!

(((R2C))) Thank you, I know you are right. On reflection, looking at it that way, H is just passing on estate agent info from agents who all want to sell the house as quickly as possible, they do not understand the underlying issues. I should not be so cross at him - although his ability to not think out the box is frustrating but I guess his thoughts are elsewhere at the moment. It is just so hard/hurtful.

I will text him tomorrow I thought I would say

'I got email, thanks for the info. Shall we meet Friday lunchtime to discuss the info and next steps? I find it easier to talk face-to-face rather than by email.'

I think it may need tweaking (or does it really matter anymore??) What do you think?

[AliSuddenly]

HOw about something just more real, more natural?

'Thanks for your email, can we meet up to discuss the info, how about Friday lunchtime? I would prefer it if we could talk and come to a decision rather than do it by email. Hope works ok, J'

Or something?? You know, be yourself. Stop dbing !

I didnt "think" about my card today.. just did it, signed it with a kiss. Same as new years eve. Just stop thinking about it now. Do you think when you email a mate? no. And no, I dont think it does make any difference to be honest, not at the moment and maybe not ever. In fact, if you were just yourself and natural and 'let him go', you never know, he may come back one day!

Al x

[JCJ]

Funnily enough Ali that is the 'me' With people it takes a while for me to open up, when I do I 'give' everything but when someone hurts me I retreat into my shell so they can't hurt me again, I can't be open and I get hard and unfriendly. I do prefer yours though, much lighter in tone. Much better

[Ready2Change]

"I have reviewing your email. I would like to discuss the issues further with you so we can quickly come to a resolution. Friday for lunch works best for me. Does 12:00 at restaurant XYZ work for you?"

[MsMelancoly]

Hi (((Julia)), Sorry to hear you are having a rough time of it. I totally understand. I feel much like you when I feel betrayed & I'm not a very open or friendly person myself.

My thoughts, I wouldn't add "to come to a quick decision about it". Fact is, if you are going to loose money then YOU DON'T HAVE TO SELL, whether he wants to or not. This is your life, do what's best for you, not what he wants or is best for him. Also, I would stress these important decisions should be discussed in person. If he doesn't want to - then it's his problem. I wouldn't let him hide behind email or text. Hhhmmm, my email is beginning to sound a bit pissed .. well, I am at your H!

[maninmotion]

Hi Julia <HUGS>. I can empathize with your pain and your frustration.

I might have mentioned this before, probably not. Over in the infidelity forum, PuppyDogTails tells about the confrontation he had with his wife. He sat her down and told her that the lying has to stop, that he knew what she was doing and she needed to stop lying to everyone. You will of course have to decide whether this is something that you want to do, but, you've been doing an admirable job of DBing in spite of your H unfaithfulness, yet you aren't seeing the kinds of results you were hoping to see. This is one approach in the face of infidelity and the other is the confrontation. I'll only speak for me. I thought that I could continue my DBing efforts, but, my self-respect got the better of me. Perhaps you've reached that same place. Incidentally, since moving forward, I have a lot less internal turmoil.

Dan

[Ready2Change]

I chose the words carefully. Until both parties agree to sell, the decision can be "NOT TO SELL". The decision could also be a higher selling price.....

Wait for him to respond, If he rejects the offer to meet for lunch, then reply with a "Then when and where would you like to meet to discuss these important issues..."

[JCJ]

(((Guys)))

Thank you sooooo much. I will send the text tomorrow to meet on Monday I think, that gives me a bit of reflection time and no harm in taking the weekend as he makes me wait months!!!

I have arranged my own valuation on Sat for my own peace of mind. I have been thinking a lot today and giving myself breaks from thinking and have come to the conclusion that while I am cross that the price has gone down I cannot blame h too much for the state of the economy/ market. I suppose I could have made moves to sell last year but I wanted to give him the time and space. I gave him this as real giving and, although he didn't spend the time as I wished, I would have left this marriage with regrets had I not done so and living without regret is worth way more than money.

I was thinking today also that actually, although leaving this house will be hugely hard and difficult and upsetting and rocks my core, it will also release me from a certain torture it also inflicts on me on the lack of transport and amenities and also from the memories and loneliness it brings. Hanging onto the house by renting it in the hope the market picks up will just stem my hope for my marriage and for him and also I run the risk that the market will go down further - at least this way I break even. I don't think the house has any impact on him really; it is more my thing so if we are destined to get back together I doubt we would want to stay living here so I have to let it go - a huge thing for me.

The thing I have chosen to forgive h for is being a big DAM in the insensitivity stakes (the tone of the email was soooo unbelievably insensitive although very nice and jolly!!) and his slightly naive belief on what the estate agents said. He does not realise the agents are out for their own gain which is to sell our house as quickly as possible so they get their commission. In this market they don't care whether they get an extra £10,000 on the house, they just want any sale. When we decide on an agent I will make sure that we meet them together. I do not want to undermine h as this is what I used to do - not think him capable so I will handle it very carefully on Monday and when we meet the agents but I *will* look after myself.

I have accepted a long time ago that I don't really know what has gone on with h and why he has done what he has done and I am trying my hardest to let go of it but it reared its head again as I think somehow I had subconsciously hoped that he would change his mind over Christmas, clearly not so I have to be strong.

I will send the text tomorrow asking him to lunch on Monday and I will see what the agent says on Saturday. Depending on that I will put the house on the market. I have decided to use the time I have left here to get my driving licence so I can feel that I will have achieved something in the last few months here and hopefully learn where there are quieter roads and it is cheaper - London would be awful!! I hope that it will be something else to focus on while I am selling this... so there is going to be a HUGE party here when I pass my test. It has taken 10 years to build up the courage to do this

I could not do this without all your help and support here do you think that sounds good or have I been brooding/ thinking too much?

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Julia)))))
I think you are making sense!

And get the licence. And don't do it in London! I can't imagine taking that test in the City! It wasn't hard up in Lincoln. I knew all of the roads the examiner took me on, and there wasn't a lot of traffic in the middle of the day. It really, really, isn't as hard as some people want you to think!

[mishka422]

I'm curious Julia, did you have some kind of trauma that caused you to be afraid of driving?