Time for ME to change...scared as hell...

[Bworl]

I am making baby steps. Still falling down some but easier to get back up and keep going. Using this time to do alot of thinking too. Hopefully a little clearer thinking.

This is exactly where we all are when dealing with this. We do our best. In my opinion, the only time the phrase "baby steps" should be used on this board is in relation to US and OUR progress. There is no such thing with walkaway spouses.

I have not called H.

GOOD

This morning I knew he was coming to hay cows, so I went to work early and was gone when he got here.

EXCELLENT

I actually put in 80 hrs last pay period plus 3 hrs overtime. HUGE for me in the last year and a half.

Don't go OVERBOARD, but being more productive at work is also a good thing.

I have 4 painting projects almost completed.

VERY GOOD

Thinking of maybe boxing up H's stuff this weekend. Out of sight, maybe better out of mind...

AWESOME thinking. It will be incredibly good for YOU.

Going to check on church services Sat. nights, something to do.

A good start to filling your time. What else can you find to do to fill those extra hours?


THIS is the kind of stuff we all want to hear from you.

THIS is moving forward, putting the focus on you.

THIS will lead to you becomming stronger.


Good work.


Blessings,

Bill

[theotherhalf]

thank you Bill,
struggling as much but trying to make the good better...

[Creed]

I'm proud of the steps you're making for yourself.

You're not acting like you don't love him. You're not acting like you're not standing anymore. You're not acting cruel or cold.

You're detaching from the emotional rollercoaster you've been on.

You are making positive moves in your own life, which will only help you all the more regardless of how this all ends up. You are reclaiming your own life back, while your H stays wallowing in his WAS pit. If/when he starts to pull himself out of that pit, he'll appreciate even more the changes you've made in your own life. But whether he ever does or not...YOU will have gained many positives that will only boost your own self-confidence/esteem.

I tied so much of my own self-worth to my Hs opinions/feelings. I wish throughout our whole marriage I wouldn't have done that!

Box up his things, but make sure you don't discard them.

What do you paint on? Canvas, metal, wood? Do you do landscapes or...?

[theotherhalf]

Thank You Creed, don't send your pride just yet. I've only JUST made one or two steps, and you know how I am...

Your right, I'm not acting at all. I DO still love him. I AM still standing for my M, at least for the moment. I don't want to be cruel or cold to him. So easier right now to just stay away from him.

When I first decided to box up his things, I right away thought I'd take them and set them on his porch. Then I thought maybe I'd set them in the kitchen and tell him to come get them. Then I realized the only reason I would really do that is to get a reaction out of him. To maybe somehow "shock" him into reality. THEN I came to. The ONLY reason I need to box up his things is because I don't need to see them all over the place. For me and that's all. So I will box them up and put them in the spare room in the basement this weekend.

I paint on wood crafts. I paint on lots of other stuff too. Gourds, jars, antiques, anything really. Never done canvas but might try that. Snowmen are one of my favorites, love to do deer, my passion is landscapes. Just don't like to do people, they are too hard.

[WCW]

Do you paint horses?
Can you paint from a photograph?

[LL44]

So I will box them up and put them in the spare room in the basement this weekend.

Brilliant. And I love that you actually saw the reason you were going to call him (a reason to contact him/draw out a reaction from him). Let's face it, if you call attention to the boxes, he will be defensive and sarcastic. If you are silent about the boxes and do your own thing, it'll shock him.

[itsy]

Dear TOH,

You sound better...good for you not calling H, good for you.
I paint in watercolor, or at least I realy try to..
I'll be hanging around keeping up with thread..
Take care of YOURSELF. please, it does you a world of good..
ITSY

[theotherhalf]

have painted them yes, but they are very hard to do. And no I've never really painted from a photo. Right now I have a huge round saw blade that a good freind wants me to paint for him. It's of his rental property where he deer hunts and stuff. It will all be from photos and piecing it together. I've had this blade for over a year. Hope to attempt it one of these days.

[theotherhalf]

honestly lwb, my ONLY care as to what H thinks or feels about his stuff being packed away is that he'll think I'm closing the door for good. That is why I'm not saying anything to him. As I said before. I do not want to cause him any anger, fear, guilt. Nothing. I only NEED to do this for ME. Period. Not even really concidering how he'll feel/react. Doesn't matter. Accept for the thought above.

[theotherhalf]

Thanks Itsy, but I really had no intentions of calling him at all. You paint in watercolor? What is your specialty?
I'm a tryin...you too...