ow loves to call

[mdoodles]

i am new to posting but not new to this board. i have been actively reading posts and dbing since april 08. brief background

married 7 years, me 30, H 29, DS 5.

my husband moved out october 2006
we decided to start working towards him coming home october 2007.
he moves home march 2008 - for me to discover there was ow the entire time.
we try for like a week to make it work, he flips, tells me wants divorce, i refuse mediation.
H moves out again May 2008
he files divorce and at the same time, decides he doesnt want it.

that was june 2008.

so here we are. things improving between us, yet the OW, or shall i say, girl (21), is still around. slightly psycho. she has called me several times to leave THEM alone. she calls and tells me she is g-d forbid pregnant (she is not). not to mention she loves to posts facebook profile pictures of the 2 of them to taunt me (even though i can see the pictures are not new). when i have spoken to her, im nice and respectful, i just tell her how it is. i have told her, "look, i dont blame you, i blame him. but he was never honest with you. he has cheated on you the whole time, because we are still sleeping together and still very much married. we are not going through a divorce and my house is not for sale etc."

has anyone ever heard of the OW continuely calling the wife and taunting her?

im losing it. ive been at this a long time already and things between my H and i are ok enough that we can discuss her. that i can rant and rave and he doesnt get angry.

BUT, im tired of hearing its a process for him to end it with her.

any suggestions?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

any suggestions?

Yes. Lock up your bunnies.

Puppy

[SueS]

mdoodles-

Do you know for sure that he's still contacting her? It really sounds like she's grasping at straws by doing what she's doing. He's comfortable talking to you about her. Is there any chance of mentioning to him that you'd like a restraining order? Maybe that's a little out there, but she does have issues and I'd worry about what else she might do.

Sounds like you two are on the right track and are healing well. Hopefully someone can give you more advice on how to get her out of your life.

SueS

[SueS]

Puppy- I didn't say it, but that's where I was going with the restraining order.

SueS

[mdoodles]

well, it seems like we are on a beter path - BUT he is not living at home yet. so, he is lying to me when he says she is out of the picture.

i think she is definitely crazy and he knows it. i wonder if that is part of the hold up on him permanently ending it.

i just dont know what to do anymore. we were once a happily married young couple with plenty of money. his "quarter life crisis" blew through our money. my house is in foreclosure(we are working with a lawyer to save it), he ran up over $100,000 in credit card debt (all in his name).

its a mess. and she isnt helping...

[karen43]

i think she is definitely crazy and he knows it. i wonder if that is part of the hold up on him permanently ending it.

I think most of the OW's are kind of crazy. Normal people don't have affairs with married men.

I don't know if this is true or not, but I've read some here have said when the OW is acting like that it's usually a sign that there is problems in their A or the OW feels like she is losing control or the A is ending. If the OW was confident and happy, she wouldn't be acting like that. So the fact the OW is acting like that is maybe a good thing in a way???

You have enough problems you can focus on I think, your finances, your M, etc. and maybe try to focus on that instead of the crazy OW. Can't really make her normal, so just try to ignore her as much as possible if you can. Karen

[JoieDeVivre]

mdoodles,
I had to put up with contact from OW, too. She called countless of times (sometimes constantly redialing over and over), and emailed me, too, usually when she was drunk. Most of the time I didn't answer the phone. I knew she'd be angry and half of what came out of her mouth was probably lies. I've never answered any of her emails. I sure was tempted a few times but I refused to play those high school games.

She's definitely angry and is doing all the things that DBs tells us not to do! Just let her keep doing what she's doing. Let her take the low road and you take the high road.

You can always change your number to an unlisted one. I would consider the restraining order if it gets much worse. And keep track of all those calls and if she leaves you any messages, save them!

I can relate to "it's a mess" ... so ((( HUGS ))) from me.

Joie

[mdoodles]

i think to an extent it is true, that she cant be too confident. and yes, i have plenty to focus on besides her. my concern is that i think he still lies to her to keep her around. i guess i dont know for sure, but its what i think.


should i stop asking him about her? im afraid if i do, it will start to get to him. and im afraid if i dont, it will continue.

[karen43]

my concern is that i think he still lies to her to keep her around. i guess i dont know for sure, but its what i think.


should i stop asking him about her? im afraid if i do, it will start to get to him. and im afraid if i dont, it will continue.

I wouldn't be surprised if he is lying to her, and probably she to him. They say something like cheaters are all liars (I'm terrible at exact quotes sorry). When the OW first rode in H's car he had to clean it out for 2 days or something to make it presentable so she wouldn't find out he was a total slob (and the only reason it didn't take weeks is b/c it was a new car). So they have their fake little selves, on their best behavior, etc. But I do think in time the masks will slip, and your H will realize what the OW is really like and she will realize about him. The fantasy perfect life is just a dream and not reality.

I think you're right if you ask him about her, you will irritate him and it won't accomplish anything positive. You saying something probably won't help it to continue or not continue. I think 90% or something of these As end at some point, and with the crazy OW it's just a matter of when not if. Karen

[mdoodles]

im very concerned about the fact that they are still together. he says he wants to come home, but he still isnt here. he had said it was over with her, but its not.

i just dont know what to do from here. i know that going dark will not help me with him. and i dont want to stop ml but at the same time, i know it just allows him to continue his double life.

i feel stuck because i do not want a divorce.