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Good Morning Al,

I like Cyrenas posts. What do you do with all the explanation she gives, is up to you...
Love
K

PS H is here otherwise I would call


Me&H:42
S11&D10
Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
Reconc.November 2009
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Morning K!! Is it still cold in Greece? Its glorious blue sky here, like the Med.

I love Cyrenas posts too! I was feeling a bit 'ansty' and then I read it and it took all that self blame away, it melted from me. I realise my ex hasnt behaved in rational ways since leaving me (could be MLC, could be depression, could just be the actions of an emotionally unhealthy individual, who knows!!) but I have a tendency to 'forget' that and start thinking that I am rubbish etc.

Ohh.. get rid of your H.. give me a call !!! I am here all day, but busy 4-6pm my time.

So BMF texted me at 10.12 am.. I know him.. his W and Mum whose visiting would have gone out shopping with the kids, so he waited 10 minutes for them to leave then texted me. He said sorry for not being in touch, did I want to pop round for tea? OH NO! He is still in MLC ! I told him dont apologise, you are busy with family stuff and I am fine...

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So I had a great session with a therapist today. My ex is depressed and may be in MLC.. but I think I do now know 'why' he left me now - he is a WAS. He got sick of... me getting sick. It went on for 4 years, mainly in the winter, but the worst was when I had a reccurring virus 21 times across 2 1/2 years.

This had a huge effect on me, getting ill so often, it stopped me going to parties, weekends away. I was either ill or, I would say no to invites if they were outdoors.. fearful that I would GET ill.

My ex is a sociable guy and he was incredibly supportive and patient.. but when we moved to Cornwall I got ill from October - March (4 viruses in a row, then anemia) and it was hard on him (our cat was critically sick at the same time!). This period came after his Dad died and he had depression and .. I just think the whole hard few years came crashing in on him. He did say at the bomb he had 'snapped'.

I have worked hard to change. I am no longer that fearful, sickly, vunerable person. I am now sociable, freer, braver, happier...and he has noticed as he said to his friend in Tenerife he "cant believe how much better she is" and "how different she is". So that points to it being a reason for leaving.

But as his BMF W told me, she knows how sick I was, how often, that I couldnt help it and he probably felt a right g*t for leaving for that reason, so has never critiscised me for it. But.. he does feel old and fearful of dying and with me getting so sick he must have thought.. I am not enjoying this and life is too short..

Ironically, I rearely get ill now. I missed 4 Christmasses/NYEve in a row being ill when I was with him. I wasnt ill at all this winter bar 1 cold! He on the other hand has been repeatedly ill and had loads of time off work !! He was ill for a whole week before Christmas.

So I am back to my 'old self' and he has noticed.. but he's still not coming back, its still not enough. I have to face reality, he's been gone 14 months now and we stand zero chance unless he has the nouse to dump Helen.. and then he might not want to reconcile, or he might meet someone new and more suitable. So...

I am going to send him the music I burnt him for Christmas, by post. I'm not going to ask for a meeting. I was going to email to warn him, but I might just get a neutral, funny card instead and put that in with the CDs and just say thanks for your pressie and I hope you enjoy these.. and some jokey stuff as well. And just put it out there.


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I think I may.. have finally.. detached. Can it be true?! Alert the media !!!

This is lovely... my ex bought me all his albums. Beautiful. Video features a foxy Joan Collins....

BADLY DRAWN BOY - "Pissing In The Wind"

I've been pissing in the wind
I chanced a foolish grin
And dribbled on my chin
Now the ground shifts beneath my feet
The faces that I greet never know my name

Just give me something
I'll take nothing
Just give me something
I'll take nothing

Now the drought is crippled by the rain
That hammers on my pain
We lose ourselves again
But all we need is to find a place to look
Our worm is on its hook
A love which dangles free
Lets watch it swim against the waters flow
In doubt the courage grows with no guarantee


Just give me something
I'll take nothing
Just give me something
I'll take nothing

And so it goes
A moral to the tale
As tortoise catches snail
A strong heart will prevail

It keeps on pumping
It still needs something
Just give it something
I'll take nothing

Just give it something
To keep it pumping
And I'll take nothing
Just give me something


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So.. I was down, then today I was fine, really good in fact, then I watched Gavin & Stacey, where the characters fall in love and now I am sad again and miss him (its his favourite show). Seems I am up and down like a brides nightie, lol!! Sorry, that jokes not funny on a webforum like this.

Still NC, but I'm not surprised. Today I sent his 'christmas pressie' in response to his present. I decided not to email him..emailing him at work is pressure I think now.. like its sat there, in his inbox, expecting to be replied to. So I just posted his present, unwrapped, with a card inside.

I copied him 3 cd's, but I photocopied the covers, so it wasnt too cheap looking! He should really like the choices and I know he hasnt got them already. We seem to be connecting through music now, which is how we did and how I got to know him in 1996, when he chickened out of telling me he was in love with me.

So, in the (neutral/funny) card, I just thanked him warmly for the pressie, made some jokes about it in the style of Gavin and Stacey, talked about the cds he sent, said I hoped he liked the cd's enclosed and that work was ok. No suggestion of email/call me/see you soon. No how are you. Ended it by chancing a "Al x"

He will get it tommorow or Friday and I wont be expecting a reply! Feeling quite resigned, but maybe, little by little, I can end up being the 'ow'... And if not, at least I know I tried !

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Ali - I'm struggling to let go too... it's coming, I can feel it. Sometimes it helps me to think of it as setting myself free. That feels more right to me.

I'm thinking about you; there are alot of similarities in our sitchs. It can be tough but the only way through it, is through it. Some really good stuff is on the other side.

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Sounds good Al, I like that cd and card idea \:\)


M- May 2006
D - Aug 2010
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Hey Julia, Whatever...

well, I struggled too, I was on my knees emotionally for a year. But he's been gone 14 months now. You know, I didnt really mind about Helen, or his holiday with her, but what really got me was... we were both back home between Christmas and New Year and I dont think she was there, but he still didnt even text me, so I didnt even know where he was New Years Eve. His BMF told me he was still in our hometown, but I dont know where. For some reason, that got to me more than anything this past 4 months. It felt symbolic.

Hopefully someone will love me again one day soon, whoever that is.

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lol - I thought you we doing a 'Lauren' Catherine Tate thing on first reading and saying 'whatever' to me \:\)

It's funny what gets to us and what doesn't so much. And of course they will and whoever it is (BF or not) will be damn lucky to have you!


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Ali,

I understand your frustration w/knowing xBF is struggling and you are feeling helpless to help him. He's drowning and you want desperately to reach in and help him out of the water. It is a very natural reaction and emotion.

But deep down, you know full well if you reach into the water to help him, he'll do nothing but pull you in and make you drown w/him.

You've got to find a way to allow him to go through his struggle w/out your help. I'm glad you are feeling better after the session w/your T and I hope you can keep moving it forward.

There isn't anything you can do for him. He has to do it for himself.

However, he's noticed your changes and they have him curious as well as wanting more of you. He is understanding he misses you. He is thinking of how to get back. All of this is good.

If you "help" him to come back, all will be lost. If the decision isn't made 100% by him, it isn't valid. He is lost and must find his own way home for it to have any lasting value and significance for him for the long haul.

It is also very easy to be blue during this time of the year. I'm right there w/you, to tell the truth. I was very down, jumped up a bit, then realized I wasn't happy either (haven't spelled it out on my thread this week, but I will).

The end of the year is a wonderful time for togetherness, so give yourself kudos for "surviving" the Holidays '08 and put your focus on the new you in '09.

I will say, keep using this place to vent and flush things out. We'll get on you and tell you to "snap out of it" etc., but you'll probably find it healthy for you to use us to work things out w/you.

This place is a wonderful sounding board for your soul as all you need to do is tell the community how much you are hurting and the support, love, caring, and a few 2X4s will come in faster than you ever realize.

So, I'm pretty sure there aren't many who will let you get away w/blaming yourself for xBF's issues and we'll all keep an eye on our little Princess. ;\)

RTL


M:38; D: 6
Divorce Final: 10/6/08

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