Hey Sue, have lurked here and there, but I just feel like I need to say this. Take it or leave it, but my sitch has addiction and an A. If I have learned ANYTHING from this situation it is that addicts are liars. They will tell you whatever they think you need to hear so they can maintain their addiction. My H is all about the "status quo" and will do anything he has to in order to keep it, his gambling has just about cost him everything and it is still not enough for him to stop or change, but as long as we are all still playing along, there is no reason to change.
Originally Posted By: Startingover2
Like my situation your H has done this twice now. Unlikely without some serious soul searching and help and of course the 'want' to change he won't change. He will do this as long as he is allowed.
Exaclty what I was saying.
The Alanon meeting is for you. There are people there that have similar experiences and its good for learning coping techniques as well as a good support group.
Anyway, take it for what its worth. In the end we all have to do what is right for us, but you also have to consider how this is affecting your D. I feel for you.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
H has been okay. Up and down I guess. He's been quiet, but has again mentioned "us" things. Well, more family things. He wanted the 3 of us to go to dinner this weekend. He has a court date coming up and I think that's probably running through his head. One thing is that he has always wanted to do is work for the railroad. He has been doing a lot of research on that and applied locally. His dad and uncle were life long railroad workers. He knows it's a tough row to hoe, but he sees the benefits to it too. Well, that is absolutely out of the question if he does get a DUI conviction. You cannot have a drinking related offense within 2 years. Maybe this sounds silly or like I'm reaching, but there are times that I feel like H looks for ways to stop drinking. He KNOWS that a railroad job would mean little to no drinking, as they do surprise checks.
I know that I could do this by myself again. I just let myself get back into a bit of a comfort zone. I have been thinking about what I need to do to go on alone. One of the things is to get to the Al-Anon meetings. I need that support. I've been asking myself WHY so many times over the past year. I blame myself and then take a step back and see the reasons it happened on both our parts. I know that I made mistakes, but ultimately his drinking has been the main issue. I knew before I married him what his drinking was like. I guess I was one of the people that thought.....once we're married he'll change.....when we move away from his friends he'll change.....when we have a baby he'll change. I remember him promising me that when I got pregnant he'd stop since I couldn't drink. He didn't. I never took the time to research or go to meetings to realize that his drinking was his issue and I can't change that.
My mom and I have had talks about how alike we are. We're the adult children of alcoholics.....we're the fixers. The ones that think that if we just fix this or that it will change things. If my house is clean he'll be better, if this or that is in order he'll be better....etc. You know what I mean. So, I know what you mean about how he won't change unless HE truly wants to. My dad was the exact same way. He drank for YEARS. He had multiple DUI's. He got lucky.....the state systems weren't connected at that time so one state didn't know what he had in another state. My dad worked out of town all the time. He was good in the way that he would call my sister and I each and every time that we had an event to see how it went and to tell us how proud he was of us. However, he was not dependable. We could never have friends over because we never knew if how he'd come home. He was not an abusive man. We went through treatment with him. My mom threatened divorce. One day about 9 years ago he was stopped on his way back from SD to MN to work. He'd picked up his 6-pack and had been drinking on the way. He stopped at a rest stop. He got busted. He vowed to quit right then. He went to an out patient treatment on his own. We all told him that we loved him but that we couldn't do it with him this time. He understood. He has not touched one drop since. He was not a hard liquor drinker. Just a six pack+ each night after work. He admitted to us that all the times we asked him to stop he did it temporarily to get us off his back. He said one day it just hit him that if he didn't do it he'd die, kill someone else or lose everthing he had. By that time he had 3 grandchildren that he realized he wanted to see grow up.
I just pray that my H sees the light before he gets that old. My dad told me that during his last treatment a young guy (late 20's) asked him what his biggest regret was. He said, Not stopping when I was your age. My H is somewhat like my dad. They function. They do their jobs and they do them very well. They didn't/don't have to drink every day. However, when they did/do drink, they couldn't/can't stop. The drinking goes on until it's all gone.....or until they fall asleep. I stopped to think about things over the past week. Between last Wed.-Monday, H brought home at least a case of beer. There are 2 left. He also "stopped off" for a couple on Friday night. That's over 4 beers a night. Obviously his pending DUI has had no lasting effect on him. He hasn't even come close to bottom.
Well, enough of my rambling. Guess I just needed to get some thoughts off my mind.
Oh, let's add to the list of "what else could make SueS life bad". Had to get 4 new tires on my vehicle today. $$$$, but now I'll feel safer.
Thanks- SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Saffie - Hi there sweetie!! I can feel you lurking!! I think about you often.
S&S- Thank you. You're not the only one that lurks. I look at your thread all the time too. I understand what you mean. At first I thought that the lying was just to me. I've come to realize that I've seen it extend to other people so it must be happening with OW too. He's got to be telling her a load of crap too or she wouldn't be sticking around. I remember OW's H telling me that he was under the impression that my H had made a lot of promises to OW. It really hurt at first. Then I stopped, stepped back and remembered......he's made a lot of promises to me and others too....and doesn't keep those. Like you said, just to keep things status quo. Can you imagine leaving your H, taking your 4 kids away with you, tearing up your family and entire life just to find out that what you thought was your dream life is nothing what you thought it would be?
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Sue... Hi... Sorry to hear about your H. I think we get to the point where we can't take anymore -- only you will know when you're there. I'm considering posting again if I get my courage up. I've had some bad news lately, too .
Originally Posted By: SueS
Can you imagine leaving your H, taking your 4 kids away with you, tearing up your family and entire life just to find out that what you thought was your dream life is nothing what you thought it would be?
I think that's called a REALITY CHECK!
If you try the Alanon meeting let me know how it goes. I have yet to take that step myself.
Remember alcoholics are master manipulators. He maybe saying the 'us' stuff to keep you satisfied and not moving on your own. He knows that if he throws a few crumbs your way its enough to keep you pacified. I hate sounding harsh but its what they do. Your H doesn't want to quit drinking, he doesn't want to give up OW completely and he doesn't want to do the essential work to reconcile your M.
I am almost 6 months out. I still hurt alot but now I look back at all the crap I endured for so long. How long I looked away at the behaviors that are so unacceptable. The drinking for one. I thought I could love H enough so he would quit. Didn't happen. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. So if he doesn't get help then its only going to get worse. The infidelity and his need for external validation...I looked away for so long. I begged, pleaded, threatened and pretended like it wasn't happening. I thought if I stopped nagging he would see what a prize wife I was and give her up. Didn't happen. I don't see all of this happening for you either.
I look back now and am disgusted with the crap I put up with for so many years. I hate what I put my older kids through, and am happy baby will not have to see it. In no way, shape or form is alcoholism and infidelity healthy for a child. D4 will realize it.
So what if your H sleeps in his car, or ends up with OW! Yes, it hurts like hell but who wants to be second fiddle to a bottle or a loser like OW? You are much better than that!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I haven't really posted too much yet. I have some replies to get to, but may not until late today or tomorrow. I am getting ready to go to work right now and it's going to be a busy day.
checking in to see how you were doing!!! I bet you are freezing there.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
A quick post this morning. Hi Starting. Yes, cold this morning here in MN. It's -21 with a -40 wind chill. It's a definate "stay in" day.
I haven't been on much due to work & home. D4 has been sick. A sore throat and a low grade fever. I was home with her yesterday and will be with her this afternoon. H works late today.....and it's his court date. I told my mom that I'd like to be there to see what happens. Not for support, but to hear exactly what the judge has to say. I don't think I'll get the entire story if I'm not there. BUT, with D4 sick, that's not going to happen.
Well, busy busy day. I hope everyone is doing well. I haven't made the Al-Anon meeting yet. Last Wed. my tires caused me to have my car in the shop and yesterday D4 was sick. I WILL GET THERE!!
Take care- SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
I told my mom that I'd like to be there to see what happens. Not for support, but to hear exactly what the judge has to say. I don't think I'll get the entire story if I'm not there. BUT, with D4 sick, that's not going to happen.
I wonder perhaps if the transcript will be in the Public Record?
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