Thanks for checking in. Yeah she has been in her MLC for at least 2 years already, best me and the kids figure. As for the affair, well I hear 6 months all the time, but I don't get caught up in stats anymore, don't really seem to jive to much in my sitch unfortunately. Doing good, finally slept good last night. Not much in dreams the past month which concerns me. Stopped asking questions and just listening to Him right now, He's been kinda quiet, let's me talk, but really nothing off the ordinary so I figure I'm doing it right.
Job hunting is a big thing for me. I'm stil working but looking to upgrade. My final self "fix" is just that. A better paying job and one I enjoy going to. I like the job I have, but I am always put under the gun and with the other stress in my life, well......
I have noticed one thing lately. My W is calling my house almost everyday asking my D17 if she wants to come over. Which I don't really care, I think it's nice. But when D17 comes home or I pick her up, she seems a little down and withdrawn, almost mad. I'm sure spending time with her mother and then coming home to me messes with her, but I don't know what else. I don't know if she talks about OM to her or in front of her because I know my D17 does not like him at any level. she didn't like him before this started. I don't ask, because what goes on between her and her mother is her business. If she wants to tell me, I listen, no comments, no opinions. She's a great kid my little Peanut. I am watching that situation harder and harder.
Going to FILs tomorrow night for chinese food, oh, yeah....Friday I'm gonna see a buddy of mine I haven't seen in over a year. Saturday I have dinner with some friends and out for a little dancing. Didn't want to go out two weeks in a row, but what the hell... It will screw up my church routine because I won't be home sunday until almost 1. I am hoping there is a Friday night mass. Not that I am becoming a bible thumper, I just woukld really feel bad if I didn't go. strange I would feel this way, but I really am nervous about missing church. Probably a real good thing I feel this way.
I am glad to hear you and your lady friend are still together. I think its awesome, Happy Birthday!!!! My father always said, "If you can get up in the morning and put your feet on the floor, It's a good day." Smart words.
Everyting still rolls off her. Her car is a mess, so she takes it through the car wash. Like doing that will take away the front end damage. No tire, no money....I'm sure it is bothering her and like Dday says, she is probably popping tums or some other antacid like Pez. Paid bills last night, hate being broke, love the bills paid. Talking even more to my kids lately. D28 now believes her mother will come back. She was the biggest naysayer next to another friend of mine. She has said this since her mother went and visited her before Xmas. I don't try to asume the conversation.
I will be talking to my other friends about hooking up end of the month for a get together. I have huge business trip coming up first week in Feb. My son and his family will stay at my house. To keep an eye on D17. Thought about telling W I would be away, but its really none of her business as long as I have D17 covered. And I do!
The walk is harder than I thought, its like the harder I try not to think of her, the more I think of her. Yes my life is going good, I am making huge plans to make it better. Her life is crap as far as I can see with only her pipe dreams keeping her going. And yes I have comtemplated her return at many levels and many scenarios. I stopped because she is with OM and there is no scenario. Again, she chose this situation, I didn't put her there. She walked, she cheated and she continues to do both. I will have a very hard decision. If something were to hapen and I were to find a lady friend like you, that Iwas being friends with , I don't know. I am positive right now I do not want that or even want to look for that. But things happen.
I hope they let AmyC back on. People make mistakes, she made one, but she has done a lot of good as well. I haven't heard from FaithfulH in a while either. Hope to hear from him soon. everyone is offering huge support and I really appreciate all their concern and help. I am getting better (?). define better....
Still here...never too far away! Not much to offer right now...I think you are in a good place. Walking your walk....letting your W walk her own...and asking God to show you the way. One thing, I would avoid any thoughts or talks of your own OW...it is dangerous. I almost stumbled badly by dating during our separation. AmyC and a few of my close friends nearby stopped me short. If I had....I don't believe I would be in a restored M today. Remember to protect your "thoughts" just like you protect your physical well being. Take care!
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
I agree. amy and I have "talked" about this before. I do not believe I would be good company at that level now, and I really am not up to it at this point. I have had my dreams and visions from before. I have no visions of anyone lately, which is good and bad. I know what I want. and lately I am all about what "I" want, not anyone else.
The walk is good, hard, but good. Weird about the church thing, it really bothers me that I may miss church.
I do not believe I would be good company at that level now, and I really am not up to it at this point.
Remember, this is not about you being "good company" or "not up to it"....it is about giving God a chance to work in your entire family's lives. I am wondering if you think detachment is about leaving somebody behind because that is NOT it. It is also not a FOREVER thing....
Here's a personal example of detachment that happened to my W and I this week with our 18 year old son. We took him to start his Freshman year at the Culinary Institute of America in Hyde Park NY. For some reason, this was extremely hard for both of us even though we took our daughter to school 3 years ago and she is now a Junior at RISD in Providence. This was VERY hard! Lots of tears....but, then....I felt like the Lord was telling us to go...to leave...to DETACH...and my W was very much in agreement. We didn't stop thinking about him when we left....and we definitely didn't stop loving him....we were detaching for HIS benefit...because to do anything else was selfish and UN-loving. He needs the space to grow and start his own walk without us getting in the way of his growth. This is what detaching means for your W as well. It isn't so much about protecting YOUR heart (although it helps)....it is about loving her enough to let her grow without you in the way.
BTW....he is LOVING school (even though he has mostly been doing orientation and classes just start today).
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The walk is good, hard, but good. Weird about the church thing, it really bothers me that I may miss church.
LD, you might find God in that box we call the church....but, the real church is US....we take God wherever we go....when you are fixing your W's car....at the foot of your bed....in the middle of a conversation with your W...wherever. It is OK to be drawn back to "church" but it is important that you KNOW that God is with you always and everywhere.
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
When I say those things about having someone else, not being good company and not being up to it, mean simply my heart is vested elsewhere. Until all hope is gone, and I mean completely without a doubt that t will never be again, then maybe I will be up to looking for someone. I understadn detachment, read it a couple of times a week. In my mind I make it a forever thing because its easier that way. But as I was told, in my mind make it seem like she is gone forever but live and love like she'll be back tomorrow.
My whole thing now is me and my life, my life with D17 at home and my other kids not at home, me an my friedns, me and making new friends, me and my goals. she is not in this picture, because in these things she is not a catalyst or a conclusion. She is away. that's all, away. I have to live like she is never coming back. It allows me to function, it allows me to live my life. Her crash and burn will come. I pray to God that she sees the light I saw, that she reflects as I did and she looks for self revelation as i did. I really do pray for that. But right now I am trying to do my walk without looking over my should or back. To walk with Him and talk, and make more sense of my life and my purpose. It hurts me to not think of her, but it hurts worse when I do. If someone came to me and was overly interested and extremely good looking, like my W, and wanted to just be around me. I would be flattered. If I was asked if I was married, I would say yes. I wear my wedding ring. The temptation at that level would cause most people to bolt. I do understand from all my readings and postings that the reason so many WAS do not reconcile is because the LBS bolts. That is a huge fact. I was amazed when talking to WAS how many tried to go back and were rejected. I understand some of the rejections, but most of the others were because the LBS found someone else, and most of them spend the rest of their lives comparing the "found" one to the one they had. Ironic....
I do not chase, I do not pursue, I do not bad mouth , I do not criticize, I hardly speak to her, I rarely see her (with holidays gone it will be virutally invisible to her), I do not ofer anything, she asks for nothing. I hate her for what she has done to me and thank her for what she has done to me. My heart is my own, I choose to give it to who I choose. I do not need her in my life to make me happy or to do anything. I want her in my life to better fill it. Church to me is a huge symbol. Like I had posted to you before, one night I was having such a hard emotional time that I just wanted to drive down to the church, see if it was open and just sit there and think. You had said to me then, church is everywher, but for me, going there re-inforces my committemnt to what I want. It is that symbol, it is the reason I go becasue I feel better, stronger, safer, confident and closer to Him when I go. It is not a dependency, but a realism that I have a committemnt in my life, a committment to do something and a committment to hope and faith.
It is the place I go to think about her the most, and pray the most that her and I will be we someday again. Without going there, I cannot think about her. the walk is good, hard but good. I know I have to finish the walk becasue there is no chance for us at all. She is with OM, I am with Him. Who's walk do you think is better? I know. And that is what is important to me.
My goals for the coming year:
1. A better job. 2. Sell my camper. 3. Get D17 real interested in college. 4. Look into her scholarsips and apply to them. 5. Go back to the gym on regular regime. 6. PAint my living room/dining room. 7. Fix my roofs that leak. 8. Do some heavy projects around the house and get them done. 9. Paint the trim on my house and finish my vinyl siding. 10. Get my yard looking very enjoyable, a vacation spot. 11. Refinance.
No "reconciliation" is not on this list. I have no control over that. So I will not frustrate myself with whether or not she comes back or whatever in a ytear or two. I pray that God keeps her safe, and I pray that she understands that the longer she drifts, the probability of there being an "us" ever again dwindles. I am not putting a time stamp on this, but I am being realistic. The longer she is with OM the more committed to him she wil feel and will not want to hurt him, even though she did not have that thought process with anyone else when she did this.
The better my life gets, the easier it will be for me to remove things I cannot control or understand and things that upset me. This is the logic of survival, both physically and mentally. My survival requires one thing and only one thing, I have to want to. And I do. I deserve a second opportunity of creating my life with someone. A long life full of love and happiness. I have lost too much in the past 4 years, things I did not deserve to lose. I blame no one for these losses. I have rebounded better than I thought over the last 5 months. I have dealt with quite a bit and feel "owed". I know it is selfish to feel this way, but considering I have never put my self, my needs or my wants ahead of anyone else's, I feel justified in being "selfish".
Seeing her drop off D17 last night in her damaged car, driving away on her spare that who knows how long will last, I just smiled and felt bad. That is her life right now in my eyes. Damaged goods with another breakdown right around the corner. In her eyes I am sure that she wants to wake up and have her car all "better". When she was with me, she had that. i took care of it. It has to make her cringe when she looks at that everyday, when she drives it and feels the car pulling, when she goes to visit her "friends" or OM driving a wreck that she created. Serious irony here. I feel bad for her, pity also. I am now realizing how good I made her life. You know it takes a lot to realize that. Its easy to think you make other people's lives better, but when you see it, really see it, it is quite the eye opening experience. Don't know why that has come on me so fast lately, but it has. Anyway, that is way too much thinking about her.
Someday she will realize all that as well. everyone has been telling me since this started what I meant to her life with regard to things like her car and dealing with money. she paid the bils, I'm the one who made sure there was money to do that. I am very good at it. AmyC shared with me her revelation when she realized she needed to come back out of the tunnel. I always look for her signs that she will do the same, but I have stopped looking. It was too much frustration when I didn't see any and it wasn't helping me live my life. Yes, she will see all i had done for her, all I had given her and that no one else could love her the way I did and do. I pray to God that I am still wanting reconciliation when this happens. I do not know where the road We are walking down will lead, He does, I don't. It is either the path to us or a path for me to continue on without her. either way, I believe the path will be revealed to me soon.
I didn't and look what happened, I went into a conversation expecting to be told she's pregnant or "here's the papers the way I see it". Instead look what I got, a completely unexpected twist in events.
Oh, and have a little more faith in the stats, her PA is spot on 6 months!
I never thought that conversation would happen, not at least until after the seemingly emminent D. So, goes to show, you never know.
Last edited by dday101798; 01/07/0904:18 PM.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Yeah looking for signs was getting to me, big time!
She sent me an eamil, looking for insurance info. couldn't call me had to email me.
My MIL's cousin is a shrink and deals with this type of thing. she told me six months, a therapist I talked to says 6 months, 6 months seems to have happened to you, but there are others that are twice that and more.
I have faith in me. I trust the advice of this board and take everything in. I stopped reading the books because they were just fogging me at this point. I am glad she contacted me about the insurance, its been a week. $800 deductible on her car, good luck. She couldn't pick up my daughter to go over there today. Car is running rough when its wet out. Probably the ocean of water splashing up into the engine....
Enough of that. i am running over to your thread to check on any updates.
I gotta be honest, i backed out of her driveway, looked over at her car sitting on that donut, engine compartment visible from the passenger side wheel well, covered in snow. I laughed my ass off.
If she was with me, car would already be in the shop.
It's also kinda sad in a way. I am sure someone is hooking her up with "frind" to fix her car and get her a rental while it gets fixed and all sorts of crap like that. Also probalb have her convinced they'll be able to cover the deductible, get her new tires and all that. I have news for them. The insurance company will want to inspect the car after it is repaired. and before they release the check. also, it has to be an approved repair shop.
