Were you happy in the marriage? If none of this happened would you have felt fufilled and happy in your relationship with your husband? Would you descrbe it as having been a good marriage?

Now with regards to filing for separation or D. How will this affect your life or change it? How will you benefit from D, and what could you lose?

>>my worst nightmare is that he is just waiting until things are more solid with ow before filing for D. I don't want to enable that behaviour.<<

Why? wouldn't divorce just force the R to become more solid with OW because he won't have a choice and he doesn't like being alone? Without a choice he will have no choice but to stay with her... even if he regrets leaving you. Are you hoping that by filing he will decide he doesn't want OW? If so, that's very risky. My personal feeling is that one shouldn't file unless they are truly ready. Don't do it unless you really truly want it. Are you finacially, and emotionally ready for this?

>> This situation conflicts with my basic values and the significance I place in marriage vows. How do people reconcile these things? <<

People are weak, flawed, sometimes childishly selfish and morally confused. Also, we live in a society that encourages this. My husband's actions don't affect my own personal basic values or how I live my life because that's my choice. I can't be responsible for other people's choices only my own. And with that in mind I try to think very carefully about the decisions I make.

There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.