Today I'm wondering if I even want to stay married to my H? It doesn't seem worth it to continue to fight for a marriage that has been mostly bad/unhappy. I mean my H has always been a control-freak, manipulative and selfish...nothing has changed as a result of our year long separation.
I mean the entire time I'm talking to him about R, he's busy blaming me, it's always my fault the reason the marriage is this way. He will not admit he has contributed to the problem...he continues to maintain that if I would act like he wants me to he will be ok and our marriage will work. I don't know how this is going to get fixed as long as he avoids his responsibility in the demise of our marriage. I certainly don't enjoy being victimized every time I'm around him.
I know I can continue to work on me, go to counseling, build up my sense of self (which I have done to some extent in the past year) but will this ultimately help him see what he's done? When will he admit he needs to change? Right now it's all on me to change and save this marriage while he goes on his 'feelings'. He talks a lot about fixing us but does not back his words with actions.
I've decided not to see him anymore until he admits he has a problem with depression and seeks counseling. I just can't operate with his constant mood shifts...one day we are on and next week it's off. I feel like he wants to make me look bad to justify his stance that the divorce is the right thing to do!
Also our divorce is up for dismissal because it has been a year since I filed and there has been no action on our case. With his mood how it, should I let the divorce go and run the risk of not getting child support from him? Right now thanks to temporary orders, he is required to give me child support. I'm afraid that if I was to make him angry, he'd punish me by not giving me monetary support of his own free will.
Frankly I think I've just about reached my limit of what behaviour I'm willing to live with. I'm definitely writing him a letter today letting him know in no uncertain words what i expect to change in order for us to see each other.
