The anger is telling me that I allowed MY life to deteriorate to this point. I have compromised my beliefs in so many ways and didn't set boundaries or demand actions from her when W and I were 'Piecing'.
I let myself down, settling for the crumbs I got instead of the partner I needed.
Then, I repeated history and fell back into the cycle of depression, anxiety and self medication.
I didn't let my W down, I let myself down.
Then, she let me down. And I'm angry about that also.
Mostly though I'm angry at myself for letting this happen to me.
I've been punishing myself emotionally for months. I don't deserve to be punished, people make mistakes. I won't repeat them again.
I believe that is good b/c you and I need a "kick in the pants" to get moving, not just encouragement like we get here. And that kick can only come from within. We need the anger and frustration to point us to the light and define our terms as men.
You sound wonderful. Keep going. As my friends tell me, including you, set some goals. Small ones at first, but goals nevertheless. Accomplishment does not define us as men; failure to act does.
Yes Jeff I can agree very much with what you say. Failure to act is my worst demon.
On another note, I received the divorce filings in the mail today along with the summons to acknowledge that I received them. They were filed on Dec 18th. Nothing special, 'Irreconcilable Differences' and 50/50 custody. Financials TBD at a later date.
Too coincidental that she filed a week after I told her she couldn't decorate the house or do other things as if she still lived here.
Regardless, it is what it is and was not unexpected.
Sorry to hear that you received the inevitable by mail. However, just knowing bad things are coming and expecting them doesn't lessen the impact or the hurt when they finally do.
I agree with Jeff223,
Quote:
...set some goals. Small ones at first, but goals nevertheless. Accomplishment does not define us as men; failure to act does.
His advice to you applies to me as well.
As we discussed recently, positive movement for ourselves in our situations in 2009 are our goals. Neither of us knows what exactly that is going to look like, but neither of us wants to start 2010 in the same place.
For myself, I am finalizing my TOP 5 ACTION goals for 2009, and these TOP 5 will be my guiding light as to whether I am spending my most precious and NON-renewable resource, TIME, on my TOP 5 ACTION goals. This list will help to keep me focused on MY priorities and give me the 'kick in the pants' that only I can give myself. Having a TOP 5 will will never change, but the content of that TOP 5 will change as I complete one (or more) and add others.
Echoing Jeff223- Strength and honor.
Tom
Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT! previously hopeful_husband
my A: Fall 05 W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately W pursued D, final 7/11/07
