I too, feel in the middle of my H and kids relationship. Sometimes I fully believe that is one of the main reasons he did what he did. The kids frustrate him beyond normal. He is a perfectionist too and I see his point but the constant lectures got on my nerves too.
He just says he is trying to help them (which I believe he believes this) and gets mad when they aren't responsive like he thinks that should be.
He has often said, "I don't have this problem with anyone I work with." Okay, he's an instructor pilot and the people who "listen" to him are doing it A) because they get paid to do it B) their life may depend on it C) their job depends on it.
Wow I can so relate. My Engineer H is very black and white, either the kids are superstars or worthless, either our marriage is idyllic or awful. And his years of criticism in the name of encouragement have driven a wall between him and the kids. I prob haven't helped either bc I tend to run too quickly to the kids' defense.
I am, in the course of GAL, leaving S15 with him a couple nights a week, and that seems to be helping by forcing them to interact.
H 51/W 43 Together 24yrs/Married 19yrs 2 kids- D18 & S16 "I want out" July 2008 "I want out" Dec 2008 "I want you out" Aug 2009 Still in house thru it all
