It seems to be working! Sometimes....

[Tomato]

I have a rendezvous with the sims in MEM -Pan Am Flight Acad. My annual "medecine" coming up here in about a month and a half.

T

[BobbiJo]

Hey Sandy

If you are at all like me I am sure you want to help make him feel better, but sometimes it is beyond our capabilities.

I agree with Tomato that you should continue to be positive, supportive of H, etc.

I don't know if your H is a Christian or not, sounds like maybe since he previously viewed himself 'above' some others (you said something like that anyway) in terms of values/ethics/character...

There is a verse that says "as far as east is from the west", that is how far God keeps your sin away once you ask for forgiveness. I am not the best at sharing my faith, but I know I have told this to my H before. That once you confess and change your ways God takes that choice/mistake and casts if far away from you. So you need to let yourself off the hook.....don't know if that made sense!? Of course your H needs to be able to let himself forgive himself, which you can't make him do even if you wish you could...

My H is also stubborn, doesn't want to go to a counselor despite the fact that he is depressed. I hope your H changes his mind.

[sandycay]

I need a little advice.

The only reason he would be attempting to place distance between himself and you (as it seems he might be) is because he doesn't want what he thinks is his unworthy, tainted self to be responsible for making you "dirty" by association.

That's pretty good T. You might have hit the target with that statement.

You know we did couples counseling and that worked well for us but you know you can lead a horse to water but .....


Now, my friend in Christ.....go to sleep

[sandycay]

Hey Sandy

I don't know if your H is a Christian or not, sounds like maybe since he previously viewed himself 'above' some others (you said something like that anyway) in terms of values/ethics/character...

There is a verse that says "as far as east is from the west", that is how far God keeps your sin away once you ask for forgiveness. I am not the best at sharing my faith, but I know I have told this to my H before. That once you confess and change your ways God takes that choice/mistake and casts if far away from you. So you need to let yourself off the hook.....don't know if that made sense!? Of course your H needs to be able to let himself forgive himself, which you can't make him do even if you wish you could...

Yes, H is a Christian...he is not however going to shout about it from the rooftops. He believes in the Lord. We have talked and I have quoted numerous scripture, reminded him of how some of God's strongest men started out as sinners (even by ordering murders)he hears this and agrees but still not absolving himself of his wrong doings. I told him I know he is a good man. He just shakes his head no.

We have talked of the 10 commandments. I have told him it's not like a top 10 list. No sin there is greater than the other. Although, it seems like it should be. It's hard to comprehend that coveting your neighbor or wanting his donkey or stealing is up there with murder but it is.

I guess I am worried about the desperation that he feels it will never go away. Which is true but it will get better.

The big problem is that adultery is everywhere we turn. In just about every movie you see, song you hear, even when we are playing fun games with neighbors and someone says "oh, you cheater". You can feel/see his heart floating out of his chest.

Thanks to both you and T on the reminder to help bolster him. I think I am only doing this during the times of crisis for him so maybe it seems false. Kinda like saying you never buy me flowers and then they bring flowers home.

I am not good with this sort of complimentary thing and am at a loss as to what type of things to say.... any suggetions?

I have upped my appreciation towards him on things he does to help around the house and with the kids so I think these compliments need to be more about him. I have never done that so I don't want it to seem false or overkill, ya know!

[Tomato]

I have upped my appreciation towards him on things he does to help around the house and with the kids so I think these compliments need to be more about him. I have never done that so I don't want it to seem false or overkill, ya know!

This is good. Do more more reassuring complimentary things and more importantly make the time to have more "heart to hearts" where you can use your mouth to express with words and not just the non-verbals that you think the world of him and that you will help him in any way that you can as his partner and his mate for life.

Make yourself available to him even if he chooses not to assign you to help him in any way.

Also I think that it is very important that you allow your faith to pull you through the inhibitions that seem to be there when you say that you are afraid that you are afraid that he will take a semi-new twist of your being overtly complimentary of him in a kind of phony way.

To that I say, act as your heart leads you. If you feel like you want to compliment him (which might be semi- 180ish), then push past the inhibition (which I feel the devil is throwing your way) and just do it. You have no idea how they will be received. If your heart compels you to do it then do it instantly before you overthink it and analyze it.

I have put this directive into practice an awful lot recently and have had great results in my sitch when using it resolve a matter or a bunch of them.

May your faith be multiplied right along with your blessings.


T

[sandycay]

Ok - been working on the compliment/building up program a little bit. Doing more little "lovey" things. As he was going to bed early the other night because he had to be up silly early this week....I told him, "Hey, I really aprreciate how hard you work for our family." He looked surprised, he kinda blushed, looked uncomfortable, and said, "Thank you".

On another front, I had my first "panic attack" (I guess that what you call it) last night. I was cooking dinner and he called me into the office and he was working on taxes and wanted to know my take on how much we should contribute to my IRA. Anyway, after pointing out different scenarios to me, I had to return to the kitchen to "stir the pot" and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

We had this same conversation about a week after I found out the A (during the 10 days he broke it off with her and was going to stay and work on the marriage) I just remember thinking at that time that he was obviously sincere about staying with me as what H would put/plan to put money in his W's IRA if he was going to leave?

It just brough back those old chest crushing, shaking, sick to my stomach feeling. Instead of swallowing it though I just went into the office and calmly told that I needed him to stop doing the taxes that I was having a moment of crisis and told him what was going on. He starts apologizing again and I just told him to stop apologizing, that I was just having a moment as to be expected, it had nothing to do with him and I just needed to refocus on something else.....it was just a Deja-vu.

He didn't spin into a guilty cycle as I expected and let me be what I needed to be.

Everyone have a blessed day!

[BobbiJo]

Sandy

I know how that can be...just the other day H was talking to me about switching over all of our insurance, he was going to do it all, I was thinking that was nice he was thinking in terms of "us". But then I remembered that we bought a mattress together that HE picked out 3 weeks before he decided he couldn't be with me anymore...

So I have been there, done that myself. It was good of you to share with your H and move past the moment.

The problem I see is, nobody can convince someone else they are a good person. They have to know it inside themselves. I mean, we are all flawed people, that is just the way it is. But flaws don't mean we are horrible people. The only one who can tell your husband he is a decent, not-terrible person is your husband. I know this from my husband. He believes that b/c he hurt me so much in the past he is destined to hurt me again in the future, and then he runs away to keep from 'hurting me', which of course HURTS me.
Sorry if that is a hijack...just saying that he has to find a way to believe it himself. But it helps that you are affirming him and reinforcing the good things he does...

[sandycay]

That's no hijack, I like to here how situations are paralled.
Our H's are a little bit different in the fact that mine says he would never, ever do that again. But on the other hand he also promised to my face last Jan to work on our marriage and get over her and then he left. It went like this ML in the morning before work, told me ILY, went to work, came home and moved out. You could have knocked me over with a feather.

That's where I have the most trouble moving past is those 10 days that he stayed and lied. I will say that I think he was "trying", but just couldn't get over her. Yuck I hate typing that. HAVE I MENTIONED TO ANYONE HOW MUCH I HATE THE WORD: HER! It's like acid on my tongue. Honestly, I would have really like to have had the chance to give her one good B*tch slap. ok there goes my Souther Redneckness shining away.

[Kalni]

sandy,
thanks for your help. I really appreciate it. If you want to remind yourself how other people "fake" piecing, keep following my thread... LOL

I think all the stages you and your H are going through, are natural and necessary. All poisonous (spelling?) things are getting out of your systems slowly but surely. I have read (here also) that WAH do feel guilt to a tremendous level once they really start connecting to their partners, because the realise they hurt the person they love most. He needs to deal with it and you must help him like you do. I believe once this guilt issue is lifted (or faded) he will be able to love you like he has never done before... Be patient with him. He now lives the consequences of his actions. Especially since it seems he is not the kind of "serial cheater" guy and he probably cant understand how he did that...
xxx
Thanks
K

[Tomato]

Hi sandy

I saw you poppped up on K's a little bit ago.

Hope you (& your pilot) are doing fantastic.

Enjoy the plentiful goodness the Lord bestows upon you.


T