When I say those things about having someone else, not being good company and not being up to it, mean simply my heart is vested elsewhere. Until all hope is gone, and I mean completely without a doubt that t will never be again, then maybe I will be up to looking for someone. I understadn detachment, read it a couple of times a week. In my mind I make it a forever thing because its easier that way. But as I was told, in my mind make it seem like she is gone forever but live and love like she'll be back tomorrow.
My whole thing now is me and my life, my life with D17 at home and my other kids not at home, me an my friedns, me and making new friends, me and my goals. she is not in this picture, because in these things she is not a catalyst or a conclusion. She is away. that's all, away. I have to live like she is never coming back. It allows me to function, it allows me to live my life. Her crash and burn will come. I pray to God that she sees the light I saw, that she reflects as I did and she looks for self revelation as i did. I really do pray for that. But right now I am trying to do my walk without looking over my should or back. To walk with Him and talk, and make more sense of my life and my purpose. It hurts me to not think of her, but it hurts worse when I do. If someone came to me and was overly interested and extremely good looking, like my W, and wanted to just be around me. I would be flattered. If I was asked if I was married, I would say yes. I wear my wedding ring. The temptation at that level would cause most people to bolt. I do understand from all my readings and postings that the reason so many WAS do not reconcile is because the LBS bolts. That is a huge fact. I was amazed when talking to WAS how many tried to go back and were rejected. I understand some of the rejections, but most of the others were because the LBS found someone else, and most of them spend the rest of their lives comparing the "found" one to the one they had. Ironic....
I do not chase, I do not pursue, I do not bad mouth , I do not criticize, I hardly speak to her, I rarely see her (with holidays gone it will be virutally invisible to her), I do not ofer anything, she asks for nothing. I hate her for what she has done to me and thank her for what she has done to me. My heart is my own, I choose to give it to who I choose. I do not need her in my life to make me happy or to do anything. I want her in my life to better fill it. Church to me is a huge symbol. Like I had posted to you before, one night I was having such a hard emotional time that I just wanted to drive down to the church, see if it was open and just sit there and think. You had said to me then, church is everywher, but for me, going there re-inforces my committemnt to what I want. It is that symbol, it is the reason I go becasue I feel better, stronger, safer, confident and closer to Him when I go. It is not a dependency, but a realism that I have a committemnt in my life, a committment to do something and a committment to hope and faith.
It is the place I go to think about her the most, and pray the most that her and I will be we someday again. Without going there, I cannot think about her. the walk is good, hard but good. I know I have to finish the walk becasue there is no chance for us at all. She is with OM, I am with Him. Who's walk do you think is better? I know. And that is what is important to me.
My goals for the coming year:
1. A better job. 2. Sell my camper. 3. Get D17 real interested in college. 4. Look into her scholarsips and apply to them. 5. Go back to the gym on regular regime. 6. PAint my living room/dining room. 7. Fix my roofs that leak. 8. Do some heavy projects around the house and get them done. 9. Paint the trim on my house and finish my vinyl siding. 10. Get my yard looking very enjoyable, a vacation spot. 11. Refinance.
No "reconciliation" is not on this list. I have no control over that. So I will not frustrate myself with whether or not she comes back or whatever in a ytear or two. I pray that God keeps her safe, and I pray that she understands that the longer she drifts, the probability of there being an "us" ever again dwindles. I am not putting a time stamp on this, but I am being realistic. The longer she is with OM the more committed to him she wil feel and will not want to hurt him, even though she did not have that thought process with anyone else when she did this.
The better my life gets, the easier it will be for me to remove things I cannot control or understand and things that upset me. This is the logic of survival, both physically and mentally. My survival requires one thing and only one thing, I have to want to. And I do. I deserve a second opportunity of creating my life with someone. A long life full of love and happiness. I have lost too much in the past 4 years, things I did not deserve to lose. I blame no one for these losses. I have rebounded better than I thought over the last 5 months. I have dealt with quite a bit and feel "owed". I know it is selfish to feel this way, but considering I have never put my self, my needs or my wants ahead of anyone else's, I feel justified in being "selfish".
Seeing her drop off D17 last night in her damaged car, driving away on her spare that who knows how long will last, I just smiled and felt bad. That is her life right now in my eyes. Damaged goods with another breakdown right around the corner. In her eyes I am sure that she wants to wake up and have her car all "better". When she was with me, she had that. i took care of it. It has to make her cringe when she looks at that everyday, when she drives it and feels the car pulling, when she goes to visit her "friends" or OM driving a wreck that she created. Serious irony here. I feel bad for her, pity also. I am now realizing how good I made her life. You know it takes a lot to realize that. Its easy to think you make other people's lives better, but when you see it, really see it, it is quite the eye opening experience. Don't know why that has come on me so fast lately, but it has. Anyway, that is way too much thinking about her.
Someday she will realize all that as well. everyone has been telling me since this started what I meant to her life with regard to things like her car and dealing with money. she paid the bils, I'm the one who made sure there was money to do that. I am very good at it. AmyC shared with me her revelation when she realized she needed to come back out of the tunnel. I always look for her signs that she will do the same, but I have stopped looking. It was too much frustration when I didn't see any and it wasn't helping me live my life. Yes, she will see all i had done for her, all I had given her and that no one else could love her the way I did and do. I pray to God that I am still wanting reconciliation when this happens. I do not know where the road We are walking down will lead, He does, I don't. It is either the path to us or a path for me to continue on without her. either way, I believe the path will be revealed to me soon.
