Making my own good karma!!

[Silent Chrleader]

H was a jerk today. He called me all confused about the balance due on a bill that is normally paid by withdrawal from our account, but H lost the checkbook last week, so we had to close that account, which of course messed up the payment which was being processed at the time. H got all huffy when I couldn't explain the bill to him. I was really trying to be nice and supportive of his confusion, until he started getting pissy at me and then I said "Why are you getting mad at me? I didn't loose the checkbook"......that didn't go over well.

Then this evening H sends me this e-mail that the school notified him that S17 missed school again today. S is failing a couple of classes and wants to go to "alternative" school to finish his senior year. H doesn't like that idea (I'm not wild about it either), but the kid is 17 and I can't "make" him do anything anymore. Three days before Christmas vacation, H and I sat down with S17 and (after consulting with our C) told him that school was his responsibility and we were "dropping the rope" and stopping the battles, and leaving him to it. Now H is e-mailing me saying that alternative school is not a good idea, and S17 will only slack off and fail. He complains, but when I ask him if he has any other suggestions, he pretty much either says nothing, or "kick him out", or "make him join the army". I don't understand that one! What father would actually want to make his child go to a war zone, which is definitely where he would go in the army?

I have had a lot of long talks with S lately and I feel we have reached an OK understanding. He says he will finish his diploma this year, and he want's to get a part time job too. His attititude the past week has been better around the house, and when I ask him for stuff like chores, he has been good about doing it. I have told him that so long as he cooperates with me and I see him moving towards a goal, I will support him and help him as best I can.

I try to just let it all roll off my back, but sometimes the man really pisses me off!!! He just such a judgemental perfectionist butthead!! And he already has one child that won't even speak to him.....he has to go for the other one too? And he thinks the kids have gotten rebellious and given up on pleasing him because I have been "too easy on them"!! No, it couldn't be because they realize that they will never live up to his expectations so why even try!!

It just really gets me. I love my family. My H and my kids. They can't even be in a room together without bickering at each other. Where did I go so wrong?.......I guess it's when I married a man who does not believe in "unconditional" love......

[kml]

Where did I go so wrong?.......I guess it's when I married a man who does not believe in "unconditional" love...... \:\(

My mistake too :>(

Ellie

[sandycay]

I too, feel in the middle of my H and kids relationship. Sometimes I fully believe that is one of the main reasons he did what he did. The kids frustrate him beyond normal. He is a perfectionist too and I see his point but the constant lectures got on my nerves too.

He just says he is trying to help them (which I believe he believes this) and gets mad when they aren't responsive like he thinks that should be.

He has often said, "I don't have this problem with anyone I work with." Okay, he's an instructor pilot and the people who "listen" to him are doing it A) because they get paid to do it B) their life may depend on it C) their job depends on it.

It's really sad to think that about where their relationships are heading and I don't know if I am able to do anything about it.

Did you feel like that SC, stuck in the middle of your H and kids?

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, Sandycay!

I absolutely feel like I am "stuck in the middle" between H and our kids. In front of the kids I have always tried "provide a united front", even though I have definitely not always agreed with H's methods.

I have also tried to help the kids understand that their Dad loves them and means well, but now after everything he's done, they think my love is blind and H is basically just a jerk.

The really sad part is that H doesn't even seem to care.

[Silent Chrleader]

I'm feeling nervous about my move to the apartment the end of this week. I'm worried that H sees this is another step toward D, and once he has the house projects fixed and the house sold/rented, then there's no "home" for H to come back to.

I know moving to the apt is the right decision financially and emotionally for me, but I am scared.

I know that in spite of his saying he doesn't want to be in a relationship, that that will change one day, but I don't think that he will even consider reconciling with me. He's a perfectionist. He will never admit he made a mistake, even if he thinks it.

I know it's his loss, but right now, that thought isn't helping me much. I have not called him or anything. Pretty much all contact is made by him now. And I don't really feel the urge much to call him anymore. That's a good thing.

But he's still on my mind constantly.

[Babygirl]

hey sweetie. checkin in on you. how do i find you in the alt again? I cant find where you told me!!

[Maya44]

I've been looking for both of you! (SC & BG)

SC, once you move you may feel better. I too was very sad to leave the house and move to rent an apartment. But it'll be your place and you can still make H feel welcomed.

[Ms Jen]

I too, feel in the middle of my H and kids relationship. Sometimes I fully believe that is one of the main reasons he did what he did. The kids frustrate him beyond normal. He is a perfectionist too and I see his point but the constant lectures got on my nerves too.

He just says he is trying to help them (which I believe he believes this) and gets mad when they aren't responsive like he thinks that should be.

He has often said, "I don't have this problem with anyone I work with." Okay, he's an instructor pilot and the people who "listen" to him are doing it A) because they get paid to do it B) their life may depend on it C) their job depends on it.

Wow I can so relate. My Engineer H is very black and white, either the kids are superstars or worthless, either our marriage is idyllic or awful. And his years of criticism in the name of encouragement have driven a wall between him and the kids. I prob haven't helped either bc I tend to run too quickly to the kids' defense.

I am, in the course of GAL, leaving S15 with him a couple nights a week, and that seems to be helping by forcing them to interact.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, BG.

Search "SChrldr". I am also friends with SMW and Wifey

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, FG & MrsJ.

Thanks for stopping by!!

I just got off the phone with H. He is complaining about S17 not doing what he has asked, and I told him that I have been working with S17 and he is feeling very rebellious toward H right now, but I have seen some improvement and I am concerned that pushing him too hard right now is not the answer. I'm afraid I didn't do very good DB'ing, as I got a little angry and told him that he was the one that walked away, so he doesn't see how S17 is really doing, and part of the reason he walked away is he said he didn't want to deal with this stuff, so I told him he does not get to phone his complaints in! And I got weepy as I said it (I hate it when the water works start!! I know H sees that as weak!) I know.....let the 2x4s fly!

H wants to take S17 off our car insurance. He says it's as a "punishment" to S17, but really it's the money now that H has taken over the bills. I disagree with that because S17 does have drive places that I send him occaisionally. I told H that I would talk to C about it today.

I am sure hoping that things get better when S17 and I are in the new place. Hopefully it will take the pressure off.

Thanks again for your encouragement. (((((hugs)))))