Blimey K.. is that what happened when he came over ?? I'm so sorry, thats just ridiculous. I am starting to believe him myself that he didnt have an EA/PA! But.. we know he did, right? Did you ask him about the necklace yet, is that the only proof you have that he was up to something? He seems pretty adamant, I dont get it, I guess he refuses to be the bad guy !??
I am not surprised you are mad.. as he was insulting you! Calling you a drama queen and selfish, thats not good.. but that is childish.. he's just trying to deflect it back to you, instead of patiently explaining. I really dont know what to suggest, other than, maybe try again calmly and show him the credit card statement ??
Maybe you should see the people who know more.. if he wont tell you, maybe you need to *try* and find out the truth elsewhere? At least that way you wont feel like he is sending you crazy!?
Sorry you are mad.. sending you love and hugs and am off to bed now. Until tommorow... XXX
Ali, what is the point of trying to find out the truth elsewhere? Dont you get it? It's not about the facts, it's about HIM tearing down that wall between us and creating one between them (him and her). I have to be in a one-on-on relationship. It cant be any other way. He cant have me as the "mother of his kids", her as friend, his ex as advisor and leave me in the dark about how he feels, what he is thinking of, what he wants... I have to be everything to him. EVERYTHING. I have to. My rules, my game.
Today his words echo in my head "I was a jerk to believe you changed"... Telling me why on earth did I want to start a convo in the evening, telling me he "has nothing else to tell me"...
I am hurt. I thought he could understand what he caused. I thought he would care enough to "take care of me", to try and reassure me little by little, make me feel at ease...
He doesnt care. I think he is still in love with her and she dumped him and he came back to "his family". I think maybe he realised he was loosing me and wanted to stop that. Maybe he wanted to cause me more pain. Maybe he enjoys that. Maybe he decided he can live "half dead" and thought I would want the same.
I dont know what to think anymore. Could I be completely wrong? I see no compassion (sp?), no caring again in his eyes...
I need to talk to him in front of someone else. He has to listen to me. xxx K
After having gone through this myself, I realize that our feelings are usually right. I am not saying that your husband still loves the OW, however, if indeed she existed and he did love her in the past, he is definately mourning. Different people mourn in different ways. Maybe a "real" seperation would help you both realize what you are giving up and if it is worth fighting for. Don't know what else to say.......Sorry this is bringing you down.
Hey K... yes, I do get it, and I didnt mean the facts are important, I more meant..would there be any other way to get him to snap out of the pretence, to own up to you so that you can have a real conversation about it? Stop all this nonsense of him denying it? As I guess there is no way this is going anywhere until he can be honest with you.
Thats all I meant, whether trying again with some proof would make him climb down off of his indignant "I didnt have an A!" perch. I had often wished I HAD told my ex that I had snooped and seen the calls to Helen on his mobile.. all those times he kept saying "why do you keep asking about her!?? I am not interested in her, I have nothing to do with her".. but I knew he was lying. At the time I was too afraid to tell him I had snooped in case he left me! Ha. Not that it would have made any difference to the outcome.. but at least I wouldnt have spent months feeling like maybe he was right and I was just imagining it (clearly, I wasnt).
I know you want him to just be able to grow up, man up and TALK to you though. He isnt being very fair, or maybe he is just being weak/immature. I dont know anymore.
It is unnaceptable that he continues to not try and restore your trust though, after what he did. I agree with John, he is no doubt in the reported 'mourning' period for OW, which may or may not mean he was or is in love with her, but perhaps IS mourning the loss of it nonetheless. Sorry he contimues to undermine you,
Today his words echo in my head "I was a jerk to believe you changed"... Telling me why on earth did I want to start a convo in the evening, telling me he "has nothing else to tell me"...
I am hurt. I thought he could understand what he caused. I thought he would care enough to "take care of me", to try and reassure me little by little, make me feel at ease...
((((((((Kalni))))))) I have to say, this really struck me, too. It seems to me that he is thinking that you are the only one that needed to change, that he is fine just as he is. I still don't think he gets it. I don't think he has taken any responsibility for the hurt that he has caused, or for any of his actions.
I'm thinking (maybe hoping is the right word) that he realtionship with the OW was an EA. I think a lot of men don't even have a clue that wuch a thing exists, in his mind if there isn't sex, there isn't an affair. So, in his mind, he didn't do anything "wrong", and all of your concern about her is misplaced. Until he is willing to accept that an EA is just as much an A as a PA, I don't think he is going to admit anything. And I don't think he is ever going to do that.
I will say that I don't think he "doesn't care". And I don't think he wants to hurt you. I do think that he is very selfish. And that he is putting his needs (really his wants) so far ahead of yours that it is going to look like he doesn't care. And the hurt is just as real.
I think it might be time for you to step back, and listen to your little voice. What is she saying?
It seems to me that he is thinking that you are the only one that needed to change, that he is fine just as he is.
That is absolutely the problem! He doesn't think he has any culpability in the breakdown of your M. He puts the entire blame on you even if in words he says otherwise. His heart and head are telling him that he is dang near perfect just the way he is and "if only" YOU would change into a maleable doormat of a wife, everything would be perfect in his little world.
I know that sounds really cynical doesn't it? It's just the way things seem to me.
I hope that you can just step back K and let him figure this out. Try not to interact with him. Don't talk about his A or EA or whatever the heck it was. He isn't going to deal with it and expects you to just forget about it. I would say that at this point you need to let it go and either decide to take his claims that it wasn't an A as truth or accept in your own mind that it was and decide how you will deal with it for yourself. You won't be getting any admissions of guilt from him.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Kalni, I am so sorry that your husband continues to hurt you the way he does! Obviously he has NO concept on what it takes to reconcile...to restore a marriage.
