Tower

[Jayce]

WOW! Thanks! I've never been a big sister.... big pain in the butt for sure, but not sister

I know exactly what you mean about being scattered far away. So many psychological clinics have group therapy for other conditions/situations, you'd think someone would offer a marriage counseling roundtable for sex problems. I never thought of calling all the marriage or sex counselors to see if any offer such a thing. The moderator would have to be really watchful to be sure people didn't form attachments and have affairs. Or worse, if it was, say, all women, that us HD ladies wouldn't strangle the LD whiners LOL!! I suppose LD partners would recommend Sexaholics Anonymous LOL.

People tend to gravitate toward like-minded confidants of the same sex when they talk about problems. Not that people of opposing views might try to convert us, but they just wouldn't get it. I can just imagine talking about my problems w/LD women. A former acquaintance couldn't understand why I D'd my ex. She saw him as a nice guy who was home every nite, didn't drink & run around, etc. Her sister's H smacked her around. I should be happy w/no sex because he doesn't beat me? What kind of reasoning is that? its not a trade-off.

On Diane's thread I mentioned not understanding LD women, but wishing they didn't see the rest of us as being abnormal or sluts. Its easy to say they probably never had a lover who satisfied them, as in no orgasms, but that's a myth. Its hard to separate the psychological from any physical problem - hormone imbalance, genetics, or maybe someday they'll find a "Chemical imbalance in the brain" thing that causes LD. A tumor on the pituitary can. Too complex to solve w/out help.

Group therapy should be solution oriented rather than just talking about how they "live with it". I'm a "fixer" by nature. It took years to learn to pick my battles so to speak. Way too many brick impressions in my forehead from trying to fix the unfixable. Besides avoiding brick walls, I stick to things that are worth fixing. Amazing how many people would rather complain about something than find solutions and implement them. Or get someone else to take on their problem.

However, we have no face-to-face group to work with, so we get to rant to each other anonymously. Much of the time when someone complains about someone else its a "Mommy, make her stop it" kind of thing. Wanting someone to intervene on their behalf. That's taken away on this forum making our efforts a little more mature, "pure" so to speak. Diane knows we can't go give her H a head slap, that's not what she wants. Me either. Nor you. Besides a place to cry out our hurts, we want reassurance, validation of our feelings and that we're OK people, not the demanding abberants our spouses may want us to think we are. We share strategies and solutions.

Having accomplished that, we're left with counseling for ourselves if our spouse won't go, or, best case, for both of us, even if its separately. The scary part is that counseling may result in having to change or a recommendation to split. No one wants to be told that if they can't meet a spouse halfway they should cut him/her loose. No one wants to be the heavy, get the blame. Carry the guilt.

I got the blame from pretty much everyone we knew but that was because Ex went around crying to everyone (Mr.Tattletale. "Mommy make her be nice to me.") and I never told anyone our problems. I felt it would attack his dignity and open him to ridicule. So he's always been "Poor baby." Went to a counselor of his choice-once-who told him he had a lot of work to do if he wanted to stay married to me. He thought I'd get scolded and "see the light". I have no regrets and am eternally glad I haven't been married to him all these years.

Not this time, tho. This one's worth fighting for & that makes all the difference. I've learned new strategies, changed my approach, been a cheerleader for any new efforts, changes. Endured the rants and tantrums. Gotten him to trust that I'm not attacking him, I'm not going to abandon him. Never caved in. Hung in there long enough that he seems to enjoy himself again and wants to ML. It has been a very long, tough, scary year. Especially the parts about his health. I may never get him to talk about how he feels about sex, what he enjoys, anything more than a "Yeah" if I ask if he had a good time, but we're in a way better place than even three or four months ago. Annnnnnd, I know I have to keep my changes going, not just slide and expect the good stuff to continue without any more effort.

One small thought: I think the beginning of the thaw was when I got him to shower together, telling him we didn't have to have sex, just be in the warm water together and wash each other's backs. We did that twice. After that he started sleeping nude again, spooning. Not avoiding touching. Still lots of bumpy patches after that, but it was a start. I think he realized he missed the closeness. Having it without being pressured to perform allowed him to relax and enjoy it, maybe begin to be comfortable again with being close.

Whatever you do this new year, I hope it goes well. I think about you often, "little bro" - one of my sons owns about 14 guitars and has built two or three from scratch.
J