H just moved out, 13 months post-bomb

[Dawn of Hope]

Hi, Mishka and SC, once again, thanks for checking on me! I'm finding that I just don't have the hours and hours necesary to keep up with all of the threads these days, so I've been reading here and there and not posting very much, but I am very grateful any time someone expresses interest in how I'm doing! Thanks!

I'm doing reasonably well. I'm currently working on preparing some calligraphy pieces for an exhibit I'll be in soon. I always have a hard time getting started with anything, especially when it doesn't HAVE to be done, so that's the real kicker.

I'm doing a little better with my chaotic sleep schedule, although it's kind of a two-steps-forward, one-step-back process. But there is progress overall.

I did my first workout in two months on New Year's Day. I was very, very active for the better part of three years, but that's one thing that has fallen off on occasion during times of severe stress for me. I feel a lot better when I do work out, so I'm picking it up again. I don't beat myself up for slacking off, I just pick up where I left off and keep going. I've been hitting the sweets a little too hard over the holidays, so time to get things whipped back into shape before it gets out of control.

This weekend I did something that may not seem significant to some, but it was for me. We have had a large piece of exercise equipment that has been broken (to the point of being pretty useless) for a couple of years, and H didn't want to get rid of it even though he admitted he had no idea where one might begin in getting it fixed (the broken element involves hydraulics...H is an engineer, but this was out of his field entirely). I have decluttered a HUGE amount of stuff since finding Flylady ( http://www.flylady.net ) six years ago, and the house is in MUCH better shape now than it was before, but I learned not to declutter his stuff. But now...I figured, he has a lot of stuff left here that he will probably want sooner or later, so of course I will not get rid of it (that would just be mean, IMO), but he has basically left the house for me to deal with for now, so I'm going to start making the changes that I think best. And the first thing I decided to do was to get rid of this big, broken *thing*. I dragged it to the curb Sunday night (it weighed maybe 40 pounds), and the trash truck had taken it off my hands by the time I got up Monday. I felt a lot more than 40 pounds come off my shoulders! It was empowering, to know that I could decide to do something like this without needing to consult anyone. My mom was saying, "I know you don't want to contact him, but maybe you could have called him and offered him the opportunity to take it if he didn't want you to get rid of it." But as I pointed out to her, he has told me he doesn't have a lot of space in his apartment, and this thing took up a lot of room, and it's BROKEN, so what good would that do him? So...I don't know if I've expressed myself well enough to explain why this is a big deal, but it is. I'm thinking about other things I have wanted to do around here that have been put off for various reasons (not necessarily due to objections from H), although I don't have a lot of money to throw around.

In other news...I happened to run across some of my journals from years ago, and it struck me that H started to change all of about 10-12 years ago, spending more and more time with college-age people (nearly all of his "active" friends are at least a decade younger than he is now, and most of them are female, although that part isn't a totally new thing), and getting irritable with me if I asked him questions (especially "why" questions) or if he thought I was criticizing him in any way (even when I wasn't and couldn't understand why he thought I was). Before that (and we had been together for a good dozen years at that point, married 5-7 years, depending on when you count this phase beginning), he was always one of THE MOST easy-going, even-tempered, generous, forgiving, accommodating people I had ever met! During the earlier years, about the only thing he got irritable about on a regular basis was financial stuff--that has always been one of his hot buttons. Oh, I also discovered through my journals that he stopped attending church (except holidays, weddings, etc.) somewhere around Easter 2001...after having spent the previous 10 years in church music ministry, playing and singing at 5 p.m. Saturday Mass almost every week. This was a year or two after his mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and over four years before she died (which was in August 2005, by which point she had deteriorated horribly)...and about eight months before I found out he had been in an EA.

So...this makes me wonder...is what's happening with him just a particularly long-lasting MLC, or is it permanent? There's no question that his personality is dramatically different (mostly worse) now than it was for the first 12 years or so that we were together (although it was a gradual change). And I doubt it is anywhere near as different with anyone else as it is with me (some people might not even notice). I guess the only real question here is, regardless of what caused it, is he ever again going to become the kind of person I was *thrilled* to be married to? (Where is that crystal ball when you need it?!) I would welcome any thoughts, especially from the "experienced" DBers. I'll take 2x4s if necessary. I know that what I need to do doesn't change based on the answer to this question, but it is obviously a point of interest. I am still working--slowly, but working--on GAL, focusing on my own needs/issues/changes, and all of the other things we need to do to help ourselves.

Haven't had any contact with H since he stopped by on Christmas Eve, which is fine by me. I find it difficult to NOT think about him or the sitch, but when I think about seeing or talking to him, I feel a little sick, so that's not something I'm eager to do. I will have to be in touch with him eventually for financial stuff, one way or the other. If nothing else, we need to communicate about whether we will be filing taxes jointly as usual, or filing separately.

Oh yes...I did something I've been thinking for a while I needed to do: I have started doing a daily devotional/Bible reading time. Even though I think I know the Bible pretty well already, I am willing to admit that I don't know it all, and I want to be open to the possibility of God using that means to speak to me. I've also gone back to writing out my prayers, which works better for me than just speaking them out loud or in my head. I now have on my nightstand: two Bibles, a devotional book called "One Year With Jesus" (which H bought for me years ago, and when I pulled it out of the bookshelf this weekend, I had to laugh, because I found a bookmark in it that I know must have been from him reading it shortly after he gave it to me--and I didn't know he had even read any of it!), AND "Power of a Praying Wife"! So I am well supplied.

I had my first meltdown of 2009 yesterday, but I hadn't had any for several weeks or maybe a month, and it was triggered by a story I was reading that upset me (reading about the death of a companion animal always upsets me...maybe more than the death of a real-life person). And I was alone at the time, so I didn't inflict it on anyone else. And I'm past it now. It was probably good for me to let out some of the tears, even though it didn't feel good. The AD's block the crying jags most of the time, which allows me to function better. I may not feel happy, but at least on the AD's I feel significantly better than I do off them.

Oh, something good...I have actually finished all of my current orders at the moment, and before the clients started screaming about tardiness! This is a very good thing! Now I have time to focus on the stuff for this exhibit, and then on getting my website together (I got confirmation yesterday that my site is going to be listed in the credits for work I did that will be appearing in a MAJOR wedding publication in April, so that gives me incentive and a deadline to "finish" the website!). And hopefully I will get some more work in soon to pay the bills!

Okay, I've spent way too much time on this! Time to post it and hope for some feedback. I hope everyone is finding 2009 to be better than 2008!

Peace,
Dawn