Dianes Roller Coaster Ride continued... lol

[diane74]

"I don't talk"

I'm about sick of that statement... lol Even in the letter he sent before he left he said to bear with him, that I am a very verbal person and he doesn't talk. I hate it, and at this point in my life its pretty hard not to jump up and down like a 3 yr old and say, " THEN START !!" lol

I am off tomorrow morning, and I am terrified. I think I will bring a letter to leave him for when I am gone. Explaining how I need some kind of communication. Do you think I can ask him if he has been reading, or should I wait for him to come to me?

Here's the other thing............. I hope he doesn't try to ML while I am there. So silly, but I can't go thru this again. Things need to change in other areas first before we start jumping on the sack only for it to go away again for years on end.He seems pretty excited that I am going, which is nice. I can only imagine how lonely it is there for him.

Your right that I am asking him to change his whole way of life her. It's why lately I have been thinking this just won't work. I'm not all that hopeful that things will ever change anymore. For instance, if he wanted me to become like him, it wouldn't' be possible. So, is what I want just not possible. I think it may be a dream.

[diane74]

Went to the party, it was a lot of fun. Had a hotel room, and of course nothing happened. I didn't want it to, because I think we need to work on " us " before we jump back into bed, but I won't lie and say I wasn't a tad disappointed that he didn't try. How's that for being confusing. He's been very nice, attentive, say's he loves me all the time now. Yet still no letter. Ho hum........... arghh! I still will wait until he has this labtop I got him for Christmas. Then I will start with the writing.
Not sure what else to say, just so sick of waiting. Feels like I've done it most of this marriage.

[Cinco]

I am so sorry Diane. Nothing like waiting for something that just never happens. Have you ever heard of a Mexican standoff? When two cars or carts meet at a single-lane bridge, the only way to pass one another (move on) is for one of the vehicles to back up. Until one of the drivers "backs down", they are stuck there waiting. It's a waiting game and it can go on for as long as they both won't give up ground (admit they are wrong).

It sure feels that way a lot of the time, just waiting for a change in them.

Cinco

[diane74]

Had a fight of sorts with my H. If you can even call it that. We got a collections letter notice in the mail and hes angry. He has every right to be as it is not our bill. It seems his previous employer is trying to stick with a bill that was never his. Now, this sucks, but throwing a fit like a 4 yr old won't help. I was trying to tell him he has to talk to these ppl with respect ( collection agency and such ) or they won't work with him. So, there I was on the phone, and I thought my phone died. 5 mins went by, I'm saying, " Hello " etc........... ONLY to find out he was pulling the same old [censored]! Ignoring me. I am so sick of that. I am a 34 yr old woman, and I am entitled, and demand respect. I am so sick of when it gets hard, or uncomfortable I get >>> , Ill just stop talking and maybe she'll go away. WTF kind of attitude is that. SO, I told him to not bother calling back. I'm angry and I don't know where to go from here. I have sent an email to his inbox for when he is home. I don't really care to speak to him otherwise at this point. If he chooses to start talking there,great. If not, he can bury his head in the sand until I'm ready to leave.

I may be over- reacting, but I felt like such a fool sitting there trying to figure out what went wrong with the phone when all along he was sitting there listening to me. What a joke in my opinion.

[Jayce]

Hi, Kiddo. So its OK if HE wants to rant, but not you. Interesting. So which one of you takes care of the notice? Let him do it & let him yell at them, better them than you LOL. Probablay the silence is his way of "walking away" to cool off till he's under control again. From what I've read, guys need to do this. Part of their brain wiring.

When we get stuff that's screwed up I usually just fix it & file it. I hate having to listen to him yell about whatever it is. Neither of us likes when the other one yells about something, but we both still yell sometimes (not at each other but at the problem). Stupidity or human nature? He'll walk away but now that I think about it, when he was in Atlanta, sometimes he'd clam up on the phone also. Not 5 min., but enough that I'd ask if he was still there. I thought he was waiting for me to run down, but maybe they do it cuz they're done with the subject for the moment. Hard to pick it up again when they're ready if they have to wait till the next phone call.

Besides the SSW/SSM problem - I have to tell you that you are a tougher woman than I am. I just could not deal with a long distance marriage. Maybe if I had a larger family, sisters, brothers, nearby, but even then. The occasional week of business travel is fine, but 5 weeks at a time?? H's Atlanta deal was 4 wks, a weekend home, then 4 wks & the job was done. He didn't have to do the last 4 wks. We were both glad. He was pretty lonely living in a hotel.

I hope emailing helps. Tone of voice & smiles are missing, but its better than nothing.
J

[diane74]

Well,
I'm back............... lol sorta, not sure where my head is at, but I'm about to find out. I haven't been here in awhile for a few reasons. The holidays are busy of course, then I think I myself was maybe trying to bury my head in the said as well. Ughh!

UPDATE

We didn't talk about the " issues " at all over the holidays. Figured I'd wait and see if anything happened or anything was said. NOT surprised, that nothing did! Of course I'm not happy about it, but not at all shocked. The evening he left I sent him an e-mail. Telling him that one of the reasons I did chose to buy him a lab top was hopefully to save our marriage. I explained to him that I had hoped it would be a way to communicate etc without him being uncomfortable. Of course eventually I want to be able to talk, but for now email was fine. Then I asked a few questions. One of which being why AGAIN no sex.......... He was home 2 weeks and not one attempt was made with ample opportunities. I told him I felt I was owed an explanation at this point.

The other thing I mentioned was the lack of reading. He told me he would read the book. In 2 months he read 2 chapters. Yah, sorry, that's not good enough. At that rate it will take a year to read, and what's the point then. I have yet to hear a response, and I knew he'd wait. So, Ill wait to see what comes in if anything. I'll give it a week, and if nothing comes in, I am officially done, and looking to my future without him. Seems harsh, but I am done waiting around like the fool.

[Jayce]

WOW! Hi, I'd say Happy New Year...but...well, then again, one way or the other, it'll sure be different!

Does your email allow you to check on whether an email you sent has been opened? Frustration #1, he doesn't open them. #2, he opens them but does not respond. ANNNNNDDDD he can't hear you screaming in frustration from where he's at. Or hear you crying.

Did you tell him in the email that you are done if he doesn't respond to the problems you stated but continues with day-to-day small talk? I can understand not bringing it all up during the holidays. I'm sure it was much more pleasant for your kids and other family members. I'm guessing he figured you wouldn't for that reason. After 8 years he knows how you deal with him.

If it turns out you are done for sure, have you made plans for what you'll do next? My biggest condition was to stay in the house & keep my kids in their schools with their friends. If I hadn't been able to do that, I might have stayed w/ex altho I'd have wound up in "The Home" eventually. We had problems other than his ignoring the kids amd me in favor of his hobby.

Are your folks nearby? Do you have a pretty good 'support group' of girlfriends?

I have to wonder why your H married at all. A ready made family to give him the illusion of a normal life even tho he's rarely home? So he won't have to live w/parents when he is in town? Or live alone? Did he think you'd be grateful to have someone take care of you & your kids and that was all that was important to you?

Guys are puzzling in a lot of ways. My reading has taken me in the direction of how the male mind works compared to the female. Like the part about our brains being differently constructed. It helps me a lot. I've seen way more guys interacting among each other than with their wives & girlfriends. It helps a lot to know some stuff is characteristic of men in general, not things H does purposely to hurt, annoy, or anger me, or push me away. However---I haven't read anything that would explain your H.

I wonder if he saw his deliberate withholding of sex as abuse (which it is in a psychological way)if it would make a difference since he suffered physical & psychological abuse for so long. He may see himself as the opposite of an abuser, a White Knight, because he doesn't demand sex or physical proximity. To him you may have the perfect life, no threatening adult in your home and no one making you have sex. In a way, deliberately withholding sex from someone who wants & needs it is like torture. Willfully depriving someone is abuse. Even guys who aren't "capable" because of health conditions can and do satisfy their partners. The intimate connection is important to them. Because of his early life, your H may have no concept of intimacy.

I guess just as people with little desire don't understand the rest of us, I don't understand them. At all. Read a lot about them, women especially, and don't understand 'em. It'd be nice if some of the LD ladies didn't see the rest of us as abnormal or sluts. If we complain about lack of sex, they kinda see us as loony. Or worse, lucky LOL.

Hold the good thoughts. Hug your kids and remember, you are a fine, intelligent woman and your value has nothing to do with how your husband treats you.
J

[Cinco]

Hi Diane,

So it seems we are in the same situation. Nothing changing and our spouses still not having a clue how much this hurts us. Can't wait forever when there has been no change at all for so long. I am so sorry that you are going through having to make this awful decision too.

I've have been waiting for the holidays to be over as well. I am still confident that this is the only option left after trying so hard without a glimmer some hope left for a change. No time for reading but plenty for knitting and her shows.

Jayce is so right, you have done the right thing for trying as hard as you could. You are so strong and sometimes two people just aren't right for one another no matter how hard we try to make it so.

I wish that there was an easy way to just make things right again.

Still praying for you.

Cinco

[diane74]

I have news, that actually isn't bad. I talked to my H, and he doesn't have internet yet... PHEW! lol So, looks like he wasn't ignoring me after all. He gets it on the 22nd or around there. I will wait then to see if he send something then. I was pleased to find out he hadn't read the email though. So, I have a tiny bit of hope that he may still work on this. But Im not banking on it either anymore.

[25yearsmlc]

Hi,

Haven't read all your posts but had a question or two. You seem to focus a lot on what you are not getting. And you say this even though the things you want are hard or impossible for your h to give, at least the verbal part. So, have you read the Five Love Languages by Chapman? It's not just about what you want to receive, but what your h can give. He may feel he is loving you as best he can. He told you he does "not talk" or, like many men, he definitely sounds like he does not do R talk. But rather than saying "Change!" which is what you are saying when you make a comment like "well, start", why not work on what he can do?

I'm not saying the other issues are small by any means. Just wondering what your expectations are for him, and if you are setting the M up for failure. Sounds as if he has been this way, non-verbal, for a long time. True? if so, then you knew when you married him that he was that way. So the question becomes why you made those choices and whether your expectations are realistic. And whether your approach is working.

Like I said, I'm not done reading all your posts. But I am in a long distance m right now, as mil has cancer and h is a doctor. (Long story and more to it than that, but anyhow...) So, I'm left with asking you about cheeseless tunnels. Have you tried making the moves for ml or is it all on him? What is it that you want your h to prove to you? that he loves you? Desires you? Or that your needs are met? And his needs? Are they being met? If not, what are you doing about that?
(( ))
j-