So I had a great session with a therapist today. My ex is depressed and may be in MLC.. but I think I do now know 'why' he left me now - he is a WAS. He got sick of... me getting sick. It went on for 4 years, mainly in the winter, but the worst was when I had a reccurring virus 21 times across 2 1/2 years.

This had a huge effect on me, getting ill so often, it stopped me going to parties, weekends away. I was either ill or, I would say no to invites if they were outdoors.. fearful that I would GET ill.

My ex is a sociable guy and he was incredibly supportive and patient.. but when we moved to Cornwall I got ill from October - March (4 viruses in a row, then anemia) and it was hard on him (our cat was critically sick at the same time!). This period came after his Dad died and he had depression and .. I just think the whole hard few years came crashing in on him. He did say at the bomb he had 'snapped'.

I have worked hard to change. I am no longer that fearful, sickly, vunerable person. I am now sociable, freer, braver, happier...and he has noticed as he said to his friend in Tenerife he "cant believe how much better she is" and "how different she is". So that points to it being a reason for leaving.

But as his BMF W told me, she knows how sick I was, how often, that I couldnt help it and he probably felt a right g*t for leaving for that reason, so has never critiscised me for it. But.. he does feel old and fearful of dying and with me getting so sick he must have thought.. I am not enjoying this and life is too short..

Ironically, I rearely get ill now. I missed 4 Christmasses/NYEve in a row being ill when I was with him. I wasnt ill at all this winter bar 1 cold! He on the other hand has been repeatedly ill and had loads of time off work !! He was ill for a whole week before Christmas.

So I am back to my 'old self' and he has noticed.. but he's still not coming back, its still not enough. I have to face reality, he's been gone 14 months now and we stand zero chance unless he has the nouse to dump Helen.. and then he might not want to reconcile, or he might meet someone new and more suitable. So...

I am going to send him the music I burnt him for Christmas, by post. I'm not going to ask for a meeting. I was going to email to warn him, but I might just get a neutral, funny card instead and put that in with the CDs and just say thanks for your pressie and I hope you enjoy these.. and some jokey stuff as well. And just put it out there.