Oh, here's something funny- H said to SS "You and Mama have no right to talk about what I put in MY body.I am a responsible, successful SOBER adult." The irony- he was drunk when he said it. ROFLMAO!
OMG... that is sad but hilarious!! I wonder if he meant to use some other word and it was a "Freudian" (so to speak) slip or something.
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I will need to continue to "rehearse" responses for tomorrow.
Hope those suggested ones help... I know you can't possibly "script" it all out, but it helps to have something in mind at least, I think.
I almost forgot - it helps to give yourself time before you respond, especially if you recognize that you'll be responding out of emotion, or to an emotional/sensitive topic. Mentally count to 3, take a deep breath, whatever it takes. One suggestion I've seen that worked for several people is to keep a bottle of water with you at all times. When H says something you don't want to (or know you shouldn't) respond to right away, slowly take a sip (or two, or three) of water.
If H thinks it's funny/weird... well my first reply would be MYOB (Mind Your Own Business) buddy!! But knowing that in reality I wouldn't be able to say that... you could just say you're trying to increase your water intake. New Year's resolution or something.
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It's so hard to detach; I don't know how to stop loving him.
Ooh I am SO glad that you said this if you're thinking/feeling it. Detaching doesn't mean to stop loving him. Not by a longshot. It's probably the most loving thing you can do, both for him and for yourself. It is still VERY hard, I know, but if you can let go of the belief that detaching = stop loving him, it may help.
Check out some of the topics in this section - they are SO good! Every time I read this stuff I get something new from it. Here are some of the topics that have been most helpful to me:
The LET GO System Handling the Need to Control Tempering Idealism Overcoming the Need to Fix Eliminating Caretaker Behaviors Letting Go of the Uncontrollables and Unchangeables Developing Detachment Unconditional Acceptance and Love Eliminating Overdependence Developing Self-Control
I found it weird at first that "Detachment" would be under "Control Issue" but once you read through the info you'll see why. I don't want to overwhelm you but wanted to pull out and maybe bold some highlights from those topics:
Idealism is the...
* Holding on to a set of beliefs which are a rigid system of the way life is "supposed to be" or "should be".
* Fantasy or dream of how your life should be which often interferes with your accepting the "here and now'' realities of life.
* Underlying motive behind your attempt to control people so that they meet your ideal image of the way they should be, act, achieve, react, live, etc.
* Underlying current which prevents your healthy adjustment to a situation because it is so out of "synch'' with the ideal way you think things should be.
Over-Idealism is a control issue because...
* It is your attempt to put the "locus of control'' in your hands to get others to be the way they should be for you.
* It often is at the base of your need to fix or be a caretaker because you see something less than ideal or perfect and impulsively reach out to change or care for it.
* It often can blind you to the uncontrollables or unchangeables in your life so that rather than admit to powerlessness and then let go of them, you conversely work harder to change and bring them under control.
* When you find it difficult to detach from others, it is often your idealized image of the way you are supposed to act, be, or behave that keeps you emotionally hanging on to these people.
Detachment is the...
* Ability to allow people, places, or things the freedom to be themselves. (my note: even if that person doesn't live up to your 'ideal' or expectations.)
* Giving another person "the space" to be him or herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place, or thing.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life. (my note: I think this one is absolutely critical.)
* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern, and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than who you "want them to be.''
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you. (my note: honestly, I think your H's 'indecision' is bordering on emotional abuse. Even if you disagree - it's certainly causing you way too much hurt!)
Detachment is a control issue because... * It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control'' issues in your life and a way to strengthen your internal "locus of control.''
* If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a person, place, or thing, then you are either profoundly under its control or it is under your control.
* The ability to "keep distance'' emotionally or physically requires self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of control.''
* If you are not able to detach from another person, place, or thing, you might be powerless over this behavior which is beyond your personal control.
* You might be mesmerized, brainwashed, or psychically in a trance when you are in the presence of someone from whom you cannot detach.
* You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved.
* You might be an addicted "caretaker,'' "fixer,'' or ``rescuer'' who cannot "let go'' of a person, place or thing you believe cannot care for itself.
* You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness,'' overdependency, or "hooks'' that you cannot leave them to solve their own problems.
* If you do not detach from people, places, or things, you could be so busy trying to "control'' them that you completely divert your attention from yourself and your own needs.
* By being "selfless'' and "centered'' on other people, you are really a controller trying to "fix'' them to meet the image of your "ideal'' for them.
* Although you will still have feelings for those persons, places, and things from which you have become detached, you will have given them the "freedom'' to become what they will be on their own merit, power, control, and responsibility.
And one last thing... Step 1 for working on Detachment is identifying relationships in your life that are toxic. Here are the types it lists - any of them sound familiar?
Types of Toxic Relationships
(1) You find it hard to let go of because it is addictive.
2) The other is emotionally unavailable to you.
(3) Coercive, threatening, intimidating to you.
(4) Punitive or abusive to you. (my note: as I mentioned earlier I can see H's keeping you 'hooked' for so long as borderline abusive)
(5) Non-productive and non-reinforcing for you.
(6) Smothering you.
(7) Other is overly dependent on you.
(8) You are overly dependent on the other.
[b](9) Other has the power to impact your feelings about yourself.
(10) Relationship in which you are a chronic fixer, rescuer, or enabler.
(11) Relationship in which your obligation and loyalty won't allow you to let go.
(12) Other appears helpless, lost, and out of control.
(13) Other is self-destructive or suicidal.
(14) Other has an addictive disease.
(15) Relationship in which you are being manipulated and conned.
(16) When guilt is a major motivating factor preventing your letting go and detaching.
(17) Relationship in which you have a fantasy or dream that the other will come around and change to be what you want.
(18) Relationship in which you and the other are competitive for control.
(19) Relationship in which there is no forgiveness or forgetting and all past hurts are still brought up to hurt one another.
(20) Relationship in which your needs and wants are ignored.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
