It is just business

[JCJ]

(((Guys)))

Thanks for stopping by. You are right Sep that those texts are good things, I really wasn't expecting them.

Oooh, I'm feeling a bit down today - well quite down really. I think that this is always a bit of a poo time of year for me and I have found it quite hard coming back to this house after the high of New Year. Basically back to being on my own again. I just feel so isolated in this house, I can't describe the feeling. It is just like being stuck here unable to go anywhere - literally as it is hard to get anywhere from here without a car. See though, if I moan about that everyone just says well learn to drive but it isn't that simple for me. I feel frustrated because things aren't moving with the house but also at the same time knowing that when things do it is going to be hard, but also exciting. I am keen for my life to move forward now and I am ready to move on but at the same time I am trying to keep h involved and doing the main bits and that means going at his speed - which is snail speed! I still do not even know what the estate agents said!

I had that old familiar loneliness feeling today even when I was with people which I was trying to stop/ quell but it still kept rearing.

It was my first day back at work today which I was looking forward to as it meant human interaction again and distraction. 2 things happened - my rail ticket no longer exists anymore they think due to a glitch in the system which may take weeks to fix so it will cost me a fortune in day returns. Then when I got to work my computer literally blew up. My Chairman then told me to work from home till it was fixed - which most people would jump at the chance of but I REALLY do not want to be alone in the house for the next week. I can't really justify paying my train fares to go into London for non-work purposes either. Arghhhh.

The good thing about not being at work was I went to meet my brother for lunch as I thought I may as well take advantage of the fact that I'd bought the rail ticket for today and while we were eating we spotted my sister and her boyfriend so I hung out with them this afternoon. My sister said I could go and stay with her but the thing is I like my own bed and my own things about me too much. I like to be able to sleep properly in familiar surroundings and I'd still feel lonely there with her and her boyfriend. I think you can be around as loads of people and still feel lonely. I suppose it is something I have to shake myself. I'm sure it will pass. I used to feel it all the time and it is quite rare now.

GALing etc is all very well but I think I have a life now, it is just this place that is doing my head in. Also, seeing people is all very well but I am really missing that feeling of being special to someone. Not so much missing my h himself, I don't know how to explain it. I feel like I need to have a big cry to get it out of my system and I can feel the tears just there but they won't come out. It is so annoying, I can't cry.

I'm trying desperately hard not to let myself fall into the trap of feeling rubbish but at the same time I am not sure that not letting myself feel is a good thing. I also find it so hard to reach out to people and say actually I am not feeling great because then people will think I am not coping and I am coping, just not at the moment/ today. I have a lot of pride and I hate people seeing me broken up a bit.

So I guess I am feeling frustrated as I want to get on, and lonely as I miss having someone. And actually I do miss h a tiny bit even though when I think about him in my head all I see is him moving in with her and I hate that she is in my head associated with my precious h, even though I know he is alien at the moment. I wonder if h ever felt that loneliness or did he just move onto her and never experience it. I guess he probably experienced other feelings. I'm pretty sure that text at Christmas meant he had a 'moment' of something.

Ok, I could ramble on for pages but this is probably boring enough. Too much time to myself!!!!!!!! I need my head to stop thinking... cheeseless tunnel.

[JCJ]

Ok, an exhausting day... tomorrow I am setting myself some goals! I called and spoke to my friend (I'm not so good at reaching out) and feel a lot better.

[maninmotion]

Hey Julia. I'm so very jealous about your NYE. I had to work the next day and had the kids so it was sitting up chatting with the neighbors while their and my kids played.

I think that we all can relate to how you're feeling, especially your desire to move on and the loneliness.

So, here's a hug (((Julia))) and a new year's wish that things work out to bring a smile to your face every day.

Cheers,
Dan

[JCJ]

I got a text from h today, it said

Hi, hope you're ok and being back at work isn't too painful. Did you get a chance to think about the house, estate agent stuff etc?

I'm a little confused. Before Christmas we were supposed to meet and discuss, then he said he was too busy so he would phone me then he just never did - and didn't send an apology or anything which is unusual for him. So, in essence I haven't had a chance to think about it because I don't have any of the info. Does he think he told me??

I haven't a clue how to answer or start to answer... I was wondering if I should make some kind of joke or something. Any ideas would be *really* appreciated

P.S - One day I would really like for him to say 'how are you?' instead of 'hope you're ok'.

P.P.S - (((Dan))) thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciated them.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Julia,

I had daily contact with my ex from Feb - Aug last year. He often said "hope you are ok" occasionally, "are you ok?".. he has never said, how are you. Since being with OW.. even the hopeyou are ok's have stopped.

He's not going to ask you how you are.. he doesnt want the answer! He knows he left you for someone else, so, he is guilty and ashamed.

I think the fact he is even bringing up the house in a text shows he is keen to sort it out. Maybe you should text back saying whatever it is that is the truth.. as in, no I didnt, as I wasnt sure what the estate agent had said to you?

And then leave it at that.. so he will have to explain, or ask you again what you want to do. I also would STRONGLY advise you to get your own estage agent/rental agent round. Dont tell him, dont use the same companies he did if you dont want.. but just do it for yourself. Find out what your house is worth for selling, renting and make your own decision before you two speak about it. This is your life and I cant see that he is going to change his mind.. he wants the responsibility of the house off his shuolders, so thats sold or rented. You may as well arm yourself with the facts if you cant face asking him!

Or.. how about you text him to say, give me a call whenevers good for you so that we can talk about what the estate agent said?

What would you like to happen here? Whats best for you?

Al xxx

[istherehope]

Hi Julia,

I think what Ali said is really good. "Hope you're OK" is a typical WAS saying. I got it all the time too, or other variations like "hope you are well","be sure you take care of yourself" etc., but "how are you" is definitely not something your H wants to hear a real answer to. Honestly I don't even hear "how are you" now.

Maybe your H does think he gave you the details already. No way to know for sure, but I know that mine seemed to be (and sometimes still seems to be) not exactly in tune with reality. He would get timelines wrong, ask me about things that happened months before as if they just happened, etc. So regardless of why he didn't reach out when he'd said he would, and I think that we will all agree that this was his responsibility, you are the mature, rational one and have to deal with it now.

Really I think Ali hit the nail on the head. Just write back truthfully but politely. If you want to couch it in a joke, that's fine too, but I don't see the need. I think you need to be as clear as possible so that he realizes you don't have what you need to make a decision. Obviously I'd steer clear of accusations or guilt-inducing statements like "you said you'd call but you never did", and would say something like "I haven't been able to look at the options because I don't have any of the details; can you suggest a good time to meet up or talk to discuss? Hope you are doing well." I threw in that "hope you are doing well" because one of the things Jody always said to me was to match H's tone.

As Ali asked though, what is the best next step for you? Can you help things to move in that direction?

ITH

[JCJ]

Well, I've just managed to cry!!

I got an email from h today basically saying he had called and left me a voicemail on the 19th explaining what the estate agents said - he didn't!!! I had my phone by me all day. He must have called some other number if he did call.

He said that both agents had said that renting was a waste of time as they both had loads of properties lying empty (this is not true - one of the agents he had round doesn't even deal with rentals but I am sure they said that to him to pursuade him to go with them). That the market was slow but the price would make or break the sale. They both put a price on it of the same as we bought it for. This means that since the summer the house has lost c. £20,000.

I just feel like such an idiot because I agreed to sell back in June and it has taken him this long to do anything about it. I have been 'giving him space' and not pushing etc etc in the meantime he has moved in with ow I have lost money that I can't afford to lose. This is my future now we are talking about. I'm glad I did everything I did to save my marriage but this just feels like a kick in the teeth. He basically wants rid of the house as quickly as possible and we can't even have a discussion about it - all I get is an email.

The email is all very light and friendly but this situation is just so unfair. He ended it with

'Hope you had a nice break anyway. I had two whole weeks off and it felt like months, it was blissful. Not exactly enjoying being back this week but I'm sure I'll readjust! I hope Maple is ok too.' What, blissful with his wh*re!!!

I just don't think I can do this anymore. I cannot continue to be nice and to pretend everything is ok. What he has done is just horrible and all my attempts at anything just seems to mean that I lose out more and more. When I spent the summer deluding myself that I was giving him space he was just getting closer to her and I was losing my money for the future.

I know this post is reactional and I am venting but I just don't think I want this person in my life anymore. He has systematically destroyed all that I have built - the home I created. I invested so much in this relationship in getting him well, fighting for treatment, creating wonderful times together and loving him and all I get is this - nothing. He won't even discuss things with me and thinks email and text are an acceptable way to communicate. Frankly I'm tempted to see how he likes lawyers.

I will get some agents round tomorrow myself and see what they say. I want to know if they think the market will pick up and what they think of the price and whether they think they can rent it.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Julia, I'm so sorry. But I am glad you managed to cry. I'm sorry that this is the reality, it hurts, I know, it IS horrible.

He said that both agents had said that renting was a waste of time as they both had loads of properties lying empty

Ok, thats rubbish. Even if it wasnt, you can find your own tenant. You dont have to move out straight away and have it stood empty, you can start to advertise it, with agents, do your own private ad in the local paper, also, put private ads up on businesses/companies in the area - or where you work, where H works, where any of your friends work and will post an ad for you. Call the local hospital/civil service and get them to advertise for you - they have free lists for their employees. I have done all of these things and ALWAYS had like a dozen phonecalls the same day. I cant believe that estate agent said that and your H fell for it!

Which makes me think he is either fibbing, or painting it that way as basically he wants to sell.

But.. this isnt about your R, this is about losing money. If you really feel you dont want to sell YET becuase of money, then say you will handle the rental side and he need have no involvement. As long as you think the rent will cover the mortgage and any costs (like buildings insurance) I dont see why you cant do that.

Thats what me and my ex do. He covers costs and looks after adverts/tenants for the house he inherited and I do it all for the others. We never need talk about it really and it all ticks along. If I lose a tenant, I pay the gap myself on the mortgage if theirs no rent coming in. I NEVER ask him for a penny, despite the mortgage being in his name! Likewise, he does that on his Dads house (again, jointly owned). I hope this helps you think outside the box. If you decide you will only consider renting, I thikn you have to accept you can no longer ask him for money for bills etc, as he doesnt want the cost of the house anymore.

I just feel like such an idiot because I agreed to sell back in June and it has taken him this long to do anything about it.

Dont worry about it, the market had already collapsed and I remember you said back then, that there were unsold houses in your street. Its doubtful it would have sold anyway.. and besides, you werent ready, were you? That was an 'ending' you werent ready for back in June, IMHO.

I have been 'giving him space' and not pushing etc etc in the meantime he has moved in with ow

.. you didnt 'give' him space, he took it hey, his decision. I know its hard to think about, but he decided to leave and start an R with someone else, dont blame yourself! For whatever reason (and lets blame Pluto), this is something he needed to do.

we can't even have a discussion about it - all I get is an email.

You CAN have a discussion about it.. but you havent been unemotional, or demanding of a meeting, because you have been DBing him. You can refuse to answer emails/texts, or just say, this is silly, please meet me to talk it through. Just do whatever you need to do, regardless of fear of how he may react now.

'Hope you had a nice break anyway. I had two whole weeks off and it felt like months, it was blissful.

Yes, I agree, that is a little insensitive. I guess he either doesnt realise, or he is just trying to be chatty, I dont know but I am sure he ISNT trying to rub your nose in it. Must have been hard to read though.

I know this post is reactional and I am venting

its not reactional and you shouldnt beat yourself up for it.. I dont think you can continue to not see the sitch for what it is. II'm sorry I havent listed the positives, his email WAS nice and ffriendly and shows he cares. Thinking of you...

Al xxx

[mishka422]

Great advice from Ali! She's so smart and wise in that crazy real estate mess!

I want you to know that I am here to give you hugs and support no matter what you decide to do Julia. Honestly, your H is not going to initiate a D. He is avoiding having any kind of honesty not only with you but with himself. You are left in the unenviable position of having to be the only adult in your R and I'm so sorry for that. You have been very forgiving and flexible with him but all you can do now is take care of you.

I am not going to tell you to move forward and file. I'm not going to tell you to wait until he pulls his head out of his butt because, frankly, he may not ever do that. Stay married to him if you want to have that tenuous thread or D him if you want full freedom with no strings attached to you. The whole point here is, now get this.......THE CHOICE IS YOURS

How's that? You do what you need to do and we will all be here to hold your hand and give you hugs as often as possible.

[Ready2Change]

Hi Sweetie,

Sorry you have to go through this. Crying is OK. In fact is is very healthy. We are emotional beings and if you stuff the emotions down, it only hurts you.

Here are things that help me:

1) Feel the feelings
2) Acknowledge the feelings
3) Vent the feelings to support people (NOT SPOUSE!!!) (this web site is a very good place to do that)
4) Then the most important......FORGIVE SPOUSE!!! You do this for YOU. I get to a state of PIECE when I do this.

*HUGS*