Yes, you are all right. Today I had a weak moment and *almost* sent a TM to H to see how the court date went. But decided against it...
Spoke with SS earlier. It continues to get worse over there. H asked SS (while high) how I was doing and SS said "She's still pissed off-what do you think?!" and H was all "oh no. no, not that. I don't want that. Well, we'll have a lot of time to talk on the way back from [city where rehab is]" SS said "Look, if you're just going to say more of the same about how you don't know what you want, but you need to lead your own life, etc, just save your breath. She doesn't need to hear it." While SS was in the studio, RM comes in, closes the door and starts smoking weed. SS was incensed- even H said "WTF are you doing?!" and RM was like "WTF is your problem?!" to H. At that point, SS had stormed out of the room. H came downstairs and SS said "Don't bother saying anything. I know you're mad at RM right now, but you *know* what the right thing to do is. He should be out of this house. Don't bother to talk to me because it's just words-never action." SS was so mad he was shaking.
SS said to me that he keeps trying to tell himself that H loves him and cares about his sobriety- but it's getting harder and harder to convince himself of that because H's actions don't back up the words.
In the store the other day the three of them were shopping, H says to RM, 'hey how about you pay for the groceries to go towards rent' and RM says (not realizing that SS didn't have both i-pod headphones in his ears) 'why should I do that? I'm not your son." SS challenged him on saying it, RM says "well, I know you only got f'ing pizza rolls, but you'll eat half of the rest of the food." SS pointed out that he was leaving for rehab in two days, so, no in fact, he wouldn't be. And H doesn't even say anything!!!
SS is prepared to try to find a sober-living house for after rehab, or move in with his x-best friend's family. And I did VERY tentatively offer my spare room. SS was gracious and said he would know it's there if he needs it-he wouldn't hold me to anything because he knows my sitch is tight over here. And then he ranted about the other house is very big and it's ridiculous that H can't actually pony up to act like a dad.
I picked up The Traveler's Gift for SS to read in rehab. (He's a voracious reader.)
Nik, I will read and re-read and then read again your ideas on what to say on Wednesday. The good news (if you can call it that) is that I am rapidly losing respect for him. For all of his "Family is so important to me" talk, the way he picks RM over everyone else, the way he won't make any real changes to his lifestyle...and to add insult to injury; talking about how disappointed he is in how our family turned out (and blaming me for it) while he will do nothing NOW to change things-what a jackass. His son is desperately trying to create a relationship with him and he is WAY more concerned about his stupid music and his stupid RM. I wonder if several years down the road he'll be expressing more regrets for not getting priorities straight. Only then instead of saying "I wish I hadn't focused so much on being successful at work" he'll be saying "I wish I hadn't focused so much on myself and my music."
Yeah, I do need to get into AlAnon or an ACOA group. I think seeing SS be shoved aside has finally brought out that "mama bear" in me and is opening my eyes. I guess I felt like *I* could handle being treated shabbily--but don't freaking treat *my* KID shabbily!
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
Stay strong. Use that anger, the Mama bear, or whatever it takes to be strong, loving, and respectful of YOU!
(((Trixi)))
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Today I'm driving SS around to appts. SS has asked me to come into his counseling appt. (H will not be there.)
RM seems to be escalating his rude comments to SS.
Oh, here's something funny- H said to SS "You and Mama have no right to talk about what I put in MY body.I am a responsible, successful SOBER adult." The irony- he was drunk when he said it. ROFLMAO!
Thank goodness SS is going to be in rehab for the next few weeks.
I will need to continue to "rehearse" responses for tomorrow. It's so hard to detach; I don't know how to stop loving him.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
Oh, here's something funny- H said to SS "You and Mama have no right to talk about what I put in MY body.I am a responsible, successful SOBER adult." The irony- he was drunk when he said it. ROFLMAO!
OMG... that is sad but hilarious!! I wonder if he meant to use some other word and it was a "Freudian" (so to speak) slip or something.
Quote:
I will need to continue to "rehearse" responses for tomorrow.
Hope those suggested ones help... I know you can't possibly "script" it all out, but it helps to have something in mind at least, I think.
I almost forgot - it helps to give yourself time before you respond, especially if you recognize that you'll be responding out of emotion, or to an emotional/sensitive topic. Mentally count to 3, take a deep breath, whatever it takes. One suggestion I've seen that worked for several people is to keep a bottle of water with you at all times. When H says something you don't want to (or know you shouldn't) respond to right away, slowly take a sip (or two, or three) of water.
If H thinks it's funny/weird... well my first reply would be MYOB (Mind Your Own Business) buddy!! But knowing that in reality I wouldn't be able to say that... you could just say you're trying to increase your water intake. New Year's resolution or something.
Quote:
It's so hard to detach; I don't know how to stop loving him.
Ooh I am SO glad that you said this if you're thinking/feeling it. Detaching doesn't mean to stop loving him. Not by a longshot. It's probably the most loving thing you can do, both for him and for yourself. It is still VERY hard, I know, but if you can let go of the belief that detaching = stop loving him, it may help.
Check out some of the topics in this section - they are SO good! Every time I read this stuff I get something new from it. Here are some of the topics that have been most helpful to me:
The LET GO System Handling the Need to Control Tempering Idealism Overcoming the Need to Fix Eliminating Caretaker Behaviors Letting Go of the Uncontrollables and Unchangeables Developing Detachment Unconditional Acceptance and Love Eliminating Overdependence Developing Self-Control
I found it weird at first that "Detachment" would be under "Control Issue" but once you read through the info you'll see why. I don't want to overwhelm you but wanted to pull out and maybe bold some highlights from those topics:
Idealism is the...
* Holding on to a set of beliefs which are a rigid system of the way life is "supposed to be" or "should be".
* Fantasy or dream of how your life should be which often interferes with your accepting the "here and now'' realities of life.
* Underlying motive behind your attempt to control people so that they meet your ideal image of the way they should be, act, achieve, react, live, etc.
* Underlying current which prevents your healthy adjustment to a situation because it is so out of "synch'' with the ideal way you think things should be.
Over-Idealism is a control issue because...
* It is your attempt to put the "locus of control'' in your hands to get others to be the way they should be for you.
* It often is at the base of your need to fix or be a caretaker because you see something less than ideal or perfect and impulsively reach out to change or care for it.
* It often can blind you to the uncontrollables or unchangeables in your life so that rather than admit to powerlessness and then let go of them, you conversely work harder to change and bring them under control.
* When you find it difficult to detach from others, it is often your idealized image of the way you are supposed to act, be, or behave that keeps you emotionally hanging on to these people.
Detachment is the...
* Ability to allow people, places, or things the freedom to be themselves. (my note: even if that person doesn't live up to your 'ideal' or expectations.)
* Giving another person "the space" to be him or herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place, or thing.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life. (my note: I think this one is absolutely critical.)
* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern, and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than who you "want them to be.''
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you. (my note: honestly, I think your H's 'indecision' is bordering on emotional abuse. Even if you disagree - it's certainly causing you way too much hurt!)
Detachment is a control issue because... * It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control'' issues in your life and a way to strengthen your internal "locus of control.''
* If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a person, place, or thing, then you are either profoundly under its control or it is under your control.
* The ability to "keep distance'' emotionally or physically requires self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of control.''
* If you are not able to detach from another person, place, or thing, you might be powerless over this behavior which is beyond your personal control.
* You might be mesmerized, brainwashed, or psychically in a trance when you are in the presence of someone from whom you cannot detach.
* You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved.
* You might be an addicted "caretaker,'' "fixer,'' or ``rescuer'' who cannot "let go'' of a person, place or thing you believe cannot care for itself.
* You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness,'' overdependency, or "hooks'' that you cannot leave them to solve their own problems.
* If you do not detach from people, places, or things, you could be so busy trying to "control'' them that you completely divert your attention from yourself and your own needs.
* By being "selfless'' and "centered'' on other people, you are really a controller trying to "fix'' them to meet the image of your "ideal'' for them.
* Although you will still have feelings for those persons, places, and things from which you have become detached, you will have given them the "freedom'' to become what they will be on their own merit, power, control, and responsibility.
And one last thing... Step 1 for working on Detachment is identifying relationships in your life that are toxic. Here are the types it lists - any of them sound familiar?
Types of Toxic Relationships
(1) You find it hard to let go of because it is addictive.
2) The other is emotionally unavailable to you.
(3) Coercive, threatening, intimidating to you.
(4) Punitive or abusive to you. (my note: as I mentioned earlier I can see H's keeping you 'hooked' for so long as borderline abusive)
(5) Non-productive and non-reinforcing for you.
(6) Smothering you.
(7) Other is overly dependent on you.
(8) You are overly dependent on the other.
[b](9) Other has the power to impact your feelings about yourself.
(10) Relationship in which you are a chronic fixer, rescuer, or enabler.
(11) Relationship in which your obligation and loyalty won't allow you to let go.
(12) Other appears helpless, lost, and out of control.
(13) Other is self-destructive or suicidal.
(14) Other has an addictive disease.
(15) Relationship in which you are being manipulated and conned.
(16) When guilt is a major motivating factor preventing your letting go and detaching.
(17) Relationship in which you have a fantasy or dream that the other will come around and change to be what you want.
(18) Relationship in which you and the other are competitive for control.
(19) Relationship in which there is no forgiveness or forgetting and all past hurts are still brought up to hurt one another.
(20) Relationship in which your needs and wants are ignored.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
One more nuggest of wisdom from that site... hoping this all helps give you strength for tomorrow!
"Letting Go"
To "let go" does not mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off. It's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another. It's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective. It's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
PS... you're probably going to lock soon and I know I for one want to be able to cheer you on tomorrow. So if you get a chance to start a new thread that would be cool!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Yes..I wanted to say good luck too !!!! Sorry I have no advice, but I am sure you will know how to handle him at the time in the car, I hope it goes ok and SS checks into Rehab succesfully,
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
NikB-thank you, thank you, thank you. thank you. Your kindness and caring is appreciated more than you can probably ever know. If I get down to Cali, I am taking you out to a REALLY nice dinner.
I went to counseling with SS. Counselor was given (finally) all the info on what's going on. She said that SS must find a sober-living house and not go back to H's. She did say that even worse than the pot & drinking was the betrayal; that H was "picking" RM over his son. She also said that H has taken SS in and that SS being "in his face" only made him defensive- so all he should say is "Dad, I love you. Thank you for taking me in. I'm going to be finding a sober-living house once I am done with rehab."
I can see that both SS and I "suffer" from the idealistic thinking mentioned above. He kept saying "But why can't he see what he is doing? Why can't he just be my Dad? Why why why" The counselor said "because he isn't 'there'." Both of us are having a hard time "accepting" that H has become SO self-absorbed and that RM/music has become more important than family.
I leave first thing tomorrow to take SS to rehab. I guess I'll start a new thread once I return from the trip. Send STRENGTH and WISDOM my way
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
(((Trixi)))) You are most welcome! I'm glad to be able to "pay it forward" some.
I am sending you all the STRENGTH and WISDOM I possibly can - especially the STRENGTH cuz I think you already have the wisdom. It takes strength to use it, though.
SO glad the C session went as it did. At least she knows the truth. I totally agree that the betrayal's worse than the rest. I think it's the toughest part for your SS to swallow too.
I was thinking a lot about that "Idealistic" thinking after posting to you. It's a weird balance isn't it? Because SOME idealism is obviously good... "glass half full," "people are mostly good" kinda attitude, right? I can see where it really gets in the way if becomes "over-ideal" though. I think a lot of us here have that going on.
I like the C's response from your SS to your H. Much as I saw where SS was coming from I could see why/how it wasn't working. I'm glad she came up with a good response.
You'll do AWESOME tomorrow Trixi!!!
Remember what a wonderful, kind, loving, caring, strong, beautiful woman you are. Be confident, cocky even if you can pull it off , and most of all, love yourself. You'll do great!!
(and... please don't feel so "pressured" that you can't tell us if something didn't go perfectly OK?)
Even if your thread locks... I'll be thinking of you!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
, and most of all, love yourself. You'll do great!!