Thanks everyone for your feedback. I feel like I am looking at the situation through a kaleidoscope, every time I try to see it it looks different to me...
Jeff, he drove straight through from San Antonio to Glenwood on Saturday/Sunday. He could have stopped and stayed overnight somewhere (like Kansas City, for instance...ick). But he didn't. So that was a LOT of drive time to ponder life...
I am not sure what it means b/c I haven't ASKED him what it means. I feel like that is part of what wasn't working, peppering him with questions all the time.
At this point, I figure that since he is home with me, I am going to give it a week or two to see if it 'sticks'. Typical Dan fashion would be to run away again by Friday.
If he does I will not be surprised and have already made a lot of the arrangements if that is the case. Like making financial arrangements, getting legal arrangements ready, etc. I pretty much expect him to give up, say 'he can't do this', whatever. I am beyond that now.
If he says he can't live like this, I know how good THIS is. He has a great, loving, ridiculously forgiving wife, and two oustanding kids. If that drives him away, then this time he just needs to stay gone. Period. And I am mentally/emotionally/practically preparing myself for that, have been for a few weeks now.
I was very surprised he didn't call me on my offer to help get his house. I know you guys would all beat me with 4 x 4s or even larger if I actually helped him get a house. But to me that was the ultimate statement of, "Go ahead and go". If he really wants to leave and that is what is standing in the way, then go have your house. Enjoy it. Good luck to ya...
I have been reading "The Shack" and going to church and trying to figure out how best to love Dan. One big theme I have encountered is that you cannot force love and you cannot control people or situations. No big surprise there, but I needed to hear it again. The past week I have been living my life for me and also for my kids but not for Dan. He needs to grow up and live his own life, solve his own problems, etc. So when he came home Sunday to OUR home and stayed with me, I wasn't sure what to do. Seemed like an odd time to do tough love, when he has come back on his own choice I wasn't ready to be TOUGH GUY with him.
Now, if he (when he) falls into old patterns of going out late, taking drives, not being able to sleep, be comfortable in his home--you know the drill--then I will take the hard line and say if you aren't comfortable here then go, go now, go TODAY, period.
But for the moment I am taking it day by day. If (not likely) he continues to be here and be living more like my husband, then I will approach him with the things I need to keep it going. Such as counseling, even if it is through church or something other than the standard MC. Date nights, time together, etc.
But right now I am zero expectations (except negative ones) and eyes wide open...
