Thanks, Pup. Yeah, I was holding off on seeing Marley. Dog movies always seem to end sadly.
I have no doubt that dogs go to heaven; it would not be paradise without them. I've even heard it said that dogs are sacramental--an outward sign of an inner reality, that being unconditional love. Our only exposure to genuine unconditional love, really.
There's a great kids' book (written for adults, of course) called "Dog Heaven" by Cynthia Rylant (for cat lovers, I believe there's also "Cat Heaven" by the same author). It talks about how in heaven, dogs are assigned their own angel family, and are fed squirrel-shaped biscuits and ham sandwich biscuits, and chase ducks and sleep on fluffy clouds. And periodically come to earth with their angels to check on their people. I smile to think of Max running and running, getting fed ham sandwich biscuits and barking at ducks.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
This was a very difficult weekend, following a very difficult month.
Sunday, of course, was Max's loss.
Saturday was trying in its own way. H and I had been bumping heads because he consistently refuses to communicate directly with me. He sees D at his convenience, often with little notice, and it's very difficult to plan when I don't know when he's picking her up or dropping her off. He calls her and has her talk with me, but I find this very irritating--as well as putting D in a very bad position. Saturday had been sort of "up in the air" and she had spent quite a bit of time with him last week. She phoned him in the morning and asked if they could spend the day together. Typically he doesn't want her on weekends--and this time he told her that he was at the OW's house and had plans with her. D became very quiet and said goodbye, then burst into tears. Sadness and frustration came rushing out--she's very articulate about her feelings for a 12-year-old. She feels very definitely like a distant second priority to H (which is quite accurate). He spends a lot of time on the phone with OW while D is visiting (I have insisted, in our legal agreement, that D and OW not meet at least for the rest of the school year). And there's a lot of "I love you's" and terms of endearment going on in those conversations, which makes D very uncomfortable. Sometimes he leaves the room, sometimes not. When she has talked with him about her feelings about this, he becomes defensive and talks about OW being very special to him. D doesn't press the issue with him. She is afraid if she confronts him that he'll stop loving her like he stopped loving me. And she doesn't want to talk to me about it because she knows my heart is broken and she doesn't want to hurt me. She feels like she has to keep secrets--from me, from her grandparents (he has told her they don't yet know about OW and it's not yet time to tell them). She sobbed and sobbed--and so did I. We talked about me being a grownup and being able to handle hearing her feelings, how it's no good to stuff them, that her parents are supposed to protect her, not vice versa, how Dad will never stop loving her because that's an entirely different thing (that was hard to choke out)--all that stuff. It ended up being a good talk, but as a parent it is so hard to see your child hurt like that, and I know that her relationship with her father is such a factor in her future romantic relationships and he's being such an idiot about it.
Later that afternoon he called me to basically yell at me, and I let him have it (not in front of her). I talked about D's feelings and fears, told him it was just inappropriate to carry on with OW while D is visiting, how he needs to make her feel she is his priority. But it didn't go well from there--he went into his "litany of faults." He's entitled to move on with his life. I was at fault for the end of the marriage, and it makes him sick that I am acting like "an innocent lamb." What I read in his email was just my interpretation of the relationship (!) I had alienated his family and ended my relationships with them, not the other way around. I'm nuts, I'm sick, I'm a mess. My first marriage ended because I'm nuts. I made him miserable for 15 years. We should never have gotten married. He slept on the couch for 3 years because I didn't want him in our bed. He has not committed adultery because the marriage has been over for a long time. I spent money over the summer on "god knows what" and that's why there were late fees and payments didn't get made. And on and on. Everything is my fault, he has no responsibility for anything. Unfortunately I yelled back--altho I didn't swear and I didn't call him names (which he did). I got some things out, but it was so hard to hear his feelings about me yet again. Same old same old as it was over the summer, same old fantasies, same old blame, same old re-write of history.
No wonder his family has written me off--they think it's my fault, they know nothing about OW (who they didn't care for 22 years ago). However, I think it's time they find out the whole story. Whether or not they choose to believe it is up to them.
I was already scraping bottom--this has not been helpful.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
They're still somewhat subdued, even the youngest guy with doggy adhd.
My experience has been that they don't respond much unless it's the alpha dog who dies. When we returned home, one of them was trembling, one very quiet--and the adhd guy didn't seem to notice. However, I think he's picking up on the general change in the atmosphere.
D12 is doing a bit better. It was a rough weekend, and it was good for her that school started. Also she is auditioning for some parts in the middle school musical (The King and I) and that has been a good distraction.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Wow hoosier....I did not realize that his parents don't know about the OW.
I know this would be a fine line for you to walk...but is there any way you could leak this information to his parents???
I also know it won't do any good...it won't change the situation and it won't bring back the man you married...but...
Seems like it is only the right thing to do to let his parents know the real reason he is abandoning his family....
DQ
I wasn't surprised they didn't know; he knows that they didn't like her the first time around, and they sure aren't going to like her if they have any inkling that she broke up the marriage.
I'm definitely going to let them know. I figure, if I'm going to lose my family they might as well know the whole story. I have nothing to lose, really. He'll have a cow--but what more can he do to me, really? He is in such denial about the contribution of this affair to the end of the marriage--he still refuses to call it an affair, is adamant that he didn't leave me for her. But to admit those things would be to admit responsibility and he's nowhere near doing that. It's just so much easier to blame me.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Yeah, your H slept on the d@mn couch because he chose to sleep there, etc. etc. We all choose our own behaviour. Yes, I am sure you had some fault, but you didn't turn to someone else outside the marriage. Like my H at the time of our sitch, would argue that we never ML and that I would walk right past him knowing how he felt .... BS!!!! I am a mindreader now???? He made no romantic overtures to me so how the heck was I to know he was interested. These MLCers!!!! What a crock of 'you know what'. Maybe you should start taping these threats and accusations because I can tell ya, he won't remember saying them. At least, when he denies saying it, you can press the tape and play it back so he can hear it for himself.
I agree that D12 should not be involved in any arrangements, or discussions. It's not for her to be the messenger. That is too much of a burden for a young girl like her. She will end up resenting her father for this.
Oh, I am so PO at your H for you, although I am sure you are enough for both of us. Definitely, find a way for his family to know whose about to enter the fold.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Yeah, your H slept on the d@mn couch because he chose to sleep there, etc. etc. We all choose our own behaviour. Yes, I am sure you had some fault, but you didn't turn to someone else outside the marriage. Like my H at the time of our sitch, would argue that we never ML and that I would walk right past him knowing how he felt .... BS!!!! I am a mindreader now???? He made no romantic overtures to me so how the heck was I to know he was interested. These MLCers!!!! What a crock of 'you know what'. Maybe you should start taping these threats and accusations because I can tell ya, he won't remember saying them. At least, when he denies saying it, you can press the tape and play it back so he can hear it for himself.
I agree that D12 should not be involved in any arrangements, or discussions. It's not for her to be the messenger. That is too much of a burden for a young girl like her. She will end up resenting her father for this.
Oh, I am so PO at your H for you, although I am sure you are enough for both of us. Definitely, find a way for his family to know whose about to enter the fold.
Oh yeah, the sleeping on the couch thing. That seems to be his big complaint. But he always said he felt "unwelcome" in bed, but was never very clear about why or how it could be different. D says he still sleeps on the couch at his place!! He can't fall asleep if it's quiet and falls asleep in front of the TV. I don't know how many times I must have said that little things mean a lot--and holding hands, terms of endearment (he never had any for me!), heck--any of the love languages would have been welcome and probably accomplished what he was looking for easily! But instead he projected entitlement and anger and resentment. I know, I know--it's a vicious cycle, I understand that. But when I was so specific about needing affection and emotional intimacy and he declined--now it just seems like he was looking for an excuse.
I have told H over and over that he is destroying his relationship with D12 because of the OW--but he simply believes that I "planted that idea in her head" and I'm trying to poison her against him. She figured it out completely on her own, and I want her to have a positive relationship with him for her sake. She will end up resenting him; I think she already does to some extent. She has verbalized many times that OW broke up the family--again, I never told her that. I have talked with her about midlife crisis, talked about D not being himself and making choices he wouldn't ordinarily make--because I thought it would help separate his current behavior from who he really is. I think that has helped her cope just a bit--it's okay to love him while not loving his behavior.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
