WAW - Possible MLC I need help, WAWs advice IV

[LonelyD]

tHE ONLY PEOPLE WHO HEAR ME TALK ABOUT HIM IS HERE. i DO NOT SPEAK ABOUT HIM TO MY FAMILY, MY KIDS, MY FRIENDS AND ESPECIALLY NOT HER. sorry caps locked. He doesn't get to me, the situation does. I refer to him that way because he was suppose to be a frined of mine. And i am constantly reminded that it takes two. I will not refer to him by name, I ususally refer to him as "him". Trust me if he got to me, he'd have some serious phiysical damage. I confronted him when this whole thing started and never laid a finger on him becasue going to jail for him wasn't worht it. I appreciate you reminding me, but trust me, I hold my tongue tightly except here. He is a POS because this is not the first time he has done this to his wife and 9 year old son, nuff said.

She will be reminded of the insurance, she will be reminded that it is her bill and she will know she needs to pay. would I cut her out to be spiteful, no. Will I cut it because I want extra money in my pocket, no, will I cut it if it means my other bills and my fiancial fixes begin to fail, yes.

[LonelyD]

Alos, sorry for the delay, I did walk away from my bad feelings Saturday night. I calmed myself and said whatever. He is not my problem, she is not my problem, they are each others problem, what's for dinner. But I do appreciate you looking out for me. He cannot hold a candle to me in any level. So she has what she wants. Even her friends, when they comment about him to me, I respond with, well she is with who she has chosen to be with,. And that's all I say. then they start with the comparisons. And I say, it is not what you see, it is what she sees, and she is with who she has chosen to be with.

AmyC and 25 year have both commented about when she will realize and do comparisons and see things for what they are, I will shine then. but until that time, my time is my time, my life is my life. there is no ours, us, we....there is only me and her and them.

[dday101798]

Understood, I just viewed things as if you're constantly blasting here, there, where-ever, he gets to you, so okay, you say he doesn't then that is your assesment and only you know yourself.

My W's OM was an 'acquantance' of mine as well, so i know where you're coming from. Al beit, he at least has no ties on the other end.

I don't know what to tell you on the insurance bit, as stated, I had my reservations of that of my own, and i'm glad I've done nothing to about it. Hell, I'm paying the copays for her birth control for pete's sake! But, it's in my name and it's a debt so it has to be cleared, no two ways around it.

[LonelyD]

Yeah, no I ever think of him, them yes, him no...

I was just at your thread. Keep your chin up. Insurance wise, I no I'll probably not do anything but hold the reality in front of her. financaially, she is crushed, but I don't want her back for that reason. But now I wonder how he is going to like having to drive up here and get her, bringher down there with the people who accept "them" and then drive her home and back. thats four trips. She usually drives down and bakc when her weekend is over. Yes I know this. what happens when his "weekend date" requires shuttle service. I see that being more effort than he is going to want to put forward. No tire on her car, but she went out and bought some stiff for herself at a store, saw the bank statemnt. SHe could've paid for ythe insurance she owes me, bought a tire for her car, but no, she some CW apparel...Priorities are right in line with the alien she has become...

[dday101798]

....If her whole life is about OM and she is in love with him and he is in love with her then why is she miserable?....

To which you wrote,
"Well, if she's anything like my W, and virtually every situation you describe sounds exactly the same, the two of them must own a hell of a lot of stock in Tums Antacids, mine was/is eating half a damn bottle of things daily. Why? Well, if what my W says now is true, that she misses me and thinks of me daily, then it's because she knows what she's doing is wrong and that deep down inside, her reasons to justify her actions are not valid. "


OR-----What if she sees you in a new light? Aren't you a different man than the one she left? Is this about her being "wrong", or you two having a future together? IF it's the latter, remember you will never be able to bring OM up, not "well later on..." never. IF you are going to forgive her, you have to let it go. AND you have to own up to whatever your part in the problems were. Hence the phrase, "Keep the Road Home, Paved and Smooth."

It'll be harder for her to come back, than you realize. The more others see OM, and the more negative feedback she gets about him, the more defensive she'll become.

You are right to bite your tongue. Keep up the DBing, it's working.
J-

Thanks 25yr, took me a while to find the post in the quote there, but after finally getting all caught up on LD's thread I found that embedded message.

For my sitch it she says it the way I've pulled myself though all this that showed her what she'd have lost. I was always self reliant and on top of things. Then slowly but surely we were so wrapped up in our house that I cared about nothing, cared to do nothing, just work, come home, do what needs to be done, then sloutch til doing it all over again the next day.

Now, I run the show, the house is always clean, meals are always cooked, the bills are always paid, and even when I'm short, I find a way, but most importantly, my kids and I do more now in a week than we used to do in a year.

So, I think it's a bit of all, she does see me in a new light, I am a different man than the one she left. Is this about her being wrong, no. As discussed in my thread, we FINALLY got through all the problems that led up to the 'end' and we FINALLY agree that we both have our contributions to the problem pile. And we FINALLY both agree, even in the thick of it, our marriage wasn't so bad, and coould potentially be better than ever if given the chance.

Her relation to OM is her problem and is no need for discussion with me except as to where my kids are concerned. Otherwise, I don't care, I care about my relation with her.

Sorry 'bout the thread jack LD.

[LonelyD]

No problem. situation carries a lot of weight with me. Same sitch as yours with regard to work, the house and then basically bupkiss. unfortunately rather than be productijve on weekends we partied. And that pretty much helped her move on to where she is, partying, not worerying aobut lights and heat and phone getting shut off anymore, losing the house, scraping by.

I have tuered things around just like you. At least yours sees it, now, for what it really is and who you really are. Mine, well, I don't know. but again, she is with OM, I don't care what she thinks. I'm better, things are progressing with me and my house and my friends and my family and my kids and my grandkids and etc.....What does she have, no money, few friends, a busted up car, no spare tire and plenty of parties to go too!!!! eventually, like me, she will see the parties aren't as important as you think they are. what's important is who you are and how much you are loved by those around you.

[FaithfulH]

LD and DDay,

I have a message from a dear friend of all of us:

1.5.09
To LD & DDay ~

I have been banned from the boards for knowingly and willfully breaking a rule and posting my email address briefly last week. That's why you haven't heard anything from me however I am being kept in the loop on your situations. My last update was this afternoon.

LD - You have all the tools you need to get through this. There is nothing that can be added or taken away. Everything is at your disposal. It is up to you whether or not you will use them. Good luck and God bless. You are still doing fine.

DDay - My, my, my how time changes things, eh?! The biggest message I wish you would receive is that you need to be the strong AND SILENT man now. Let that soon-to-be-ex OM be the one raising the roof and stressing out your wife. If you add to her stress you just might be the one to lose. Now is your very best opportunity to show her how you have grown and matured through this experience. I know it's hard after all that's happened but trust the words she said to you. You have absolutely nothing to lose by giving her the benefit of the doubt one more time - and you just might win it all. If you call/text her when she's trying to handle her business, you could find yourself on the losing end simply because you could be the straw that broke the camel's back. Be strong and be still. And BELIEVE. Worst case scenario, she doesn't come back after all - well you've already been prepared for that. What say you just give her one more shot to pull herself outta this nosedive? I'm not saying be a doormat or give her gobs of time to work this all out - just be reasonable. And don't pressure her. Let things fall apart naturally - as they HAVE BEEN - so that you and she can fall back together - as YOU SHOULD.

OK?

Good luck!


Peace, gentlemen - love ya!


AmyC

[LonelyD]

Well thanks for getting that to us. I hope the board reconsiders banning her and sees the amount of good she has done and the great advice she has given. Isn't this board a promoter of reconciling when mistakes exist and having its members learn forgiveness?

I have been asking for something, is there reconciliation for me or is she gone from my life forever? Seesm to be the toughest question I can ask, haven't found an answer yet. Hopefully, I will and soon.

[dday101798]

LD,

You just need to be patient and focus on yourself and let her hit the wall (not with a car either), then and only then will you know.

faithfulH in 'guest'

Thank you so much! Last night was terrible with my boys and things really sucked. I started to chalk it all up to perhaps what she said ws just another play in the game to keep me around for something. This morning wasn't good either, will keep the details to my thread and not LD's. I did figure I have nothing to lose in entrusting her one more time, and have kept contact to a bare minimum. I only sent her a text of a quote someone once sent me on Sunday and called her yesterday just to inquire on why the kids were acting strange, we barely spoke of anything else other than she said she wasn't feeling well for obvious reasons.

Thanks for the confidence boost, I feel much better.

[thrillisgone]

LD - Buddy, I'm always checkin' in from time to time. Seems to me that everything is going according to plan. You're making some really great strides in your life and your W is not. Great stuff. I say this because the patterns I see in MLC suggest that this is a recipe for success.

Your W will wake up after she hits the wall. What she will see is a HUGE contrast between you and the OM. At that point you will more than likely get a chance at reconciliation. However, you might just look at this woman and have a hard decision to make. It may very well depend on who your W is when she emerges from the fog.

One thing for sure is that the whole thing will take time. Counselors and books I've read all seem to point to a 18 month to 2 yr timeline for the affair to crash and 2-5 yrs for a MLC to be resolved....and then the work really begins!

Patience my man. Patience and faith. Faith that the current situation will resolve in your favor regardless of the outcome. I know it is tough. Been there. I'm still there. I love my ExW deeply but her life is out of my hands completely and has been for about a year now. Seems like an eternity but in the land of the lost it isn't. My ace in the hole? 30 years of love, laughter and time together. If I've learned anything through this mess it is that anything can happen. Until then I'm living my life and I see you are too. I'm still dating the same woman. We're still having fun. Tomorrow is my birthday and I figure any day they aren't covering you up with dirt is a really good day.

Gotta love life my friend. Even the pain. It makes us grow and learn and appreciate all we have. If you guys successfully reconcile it'll be worth all the pain and tears and then some. If you don't you'll still be 100 times the man you were before this all began.

Hang in there!