Thank you for asking. Yes, I will go to my brother's house on the beautiful SC coast - where I spent Thanksgiving.
YOU have a wonderful time and try to forget everything!
PM has given you some awesome advise. Thanks PM - you have given me something to ponder too.
Merry Christmas and Happy Much Better New Year!
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
Just a thought... I find the marriage builders site a bit too much of the "tough love" approach. It wouldn't work in my sitch where I truly feel that I had a role to play in the marriage problems (but NOT in my h turning to ow!) Your sitch may be different.
The boundaries I am trying to set are about what I need for my self-respect, not my judgment of someone's else conduct, however, repugnant I may find it to be.
Hi everyone, Hope you were able to enjoy Christmas. I am at the public library since my Mom does not have internet access and this is the first chance I have had to check in. Thanks for your posts. I do agree that Marriage builders are very tough love. My H has been totally in the fog babble since he left in Oct. I have the double issue of the A and him drinking again. The OW I have discovered also has a drinking problem. My H has been watching our dog while D15 and me have been back to visit the family. He sends me a text yesterday saying I am going away from Monday to Sat - on vacation and you need to find someone to watch the dog. I turned it back on him and said you wanted to watch OUR dog so you need to line somebody up. Totally disrespectful. He also has been spending money like crazy and draining all of of our money and has now withdrew a chunk of money from his 401K for spending money with OW. I don't think I can last with db till he figures himself out from this fog, or crack up a car or bring us to financial ruin. I have to think of my D15 also. I still love my H and want my M but until the OW is out of the picture we have no chance, and with his drinking he is really spiraling down. As most people that have alcoholics in their lives they haveto hit rock bottom. He is heading that way. I have been talking to my family about options and if worst comes to worst I can move back east with family till we get back on our feet. This OW is a gold digger (per PI) and looks for men who will take care of her. If my H no longer has his job she will lose interest in him in the end. If H hits rock bottom then the only place he can go is up. I would not tell my H that I turned him in. He already thinks that other people in work know about the A. PM I loved your post, and I agree with most that you said in sickness and in health, but I almost feel I am saving H's life by turning him in so he can start to deal with his "demons". We can find another place to live, he can find another job, those are all secondary. If he stays with OW and continues drinking he could end up dead or worse. I am spending this time back home praying and asking God for guidance in this. It has been such a difficult time. SF, glad you stayed with family and had a good Christmas. WIT, I did play a role in my M issues but our M was definitely workable, if OW did not come into the picture we would not be where we are now. Will try and check back in the next few days. Take care and God bless.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Hi everyone, got in late tonight from our christmas visit. It was difficult coming back to my M problems. My H is away -- get this in Las Vegas at the same hotel that we went to 2 years ago. He is returning on Sunday night. He has racked up another $1200 on his credit card last month. H is out of control with OW and trying to show her a good time (with his money), drinking continuously, and spending. He is unraveling. My Ds are both really disgusted with him because everytime they talk to him they say he is drinking. I pray all the time for guidance on this. Now I start back to work on Monday and have to deal with their A at work -- again. PM I liked your advice but to see this A day after day in work in front of you, it is having a really negative impact on myself also. It is too hard to detach and do my own job. take care everyone. So glad the holidays are over. This was a really difficult time.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
What is the word my H used in describing what it would be if we got a D. Yes, I know the word he used was "fair". If we got a D all he asked is that I would be "fair" with him. We worked together for all our financial growth so it would be only "fair" that we divide it equally. That word was floating in my head today. But what did I miss? Was it "fair" that you decided you no longer wanted your M or your family and decided to cheat? How "fair" was that? It is ok if he broke all the rules and was totally disrespectful but remember to be "fair". Is it "fair" that he goes away on vacation with OW, spending our "equal money" he took from 401K plan for spending.
I have DBed but H is totally in the fog babble. I know this, I do know it is not my H and replaced by an alien but seeing the pain my D15 is going through it is difficult.
I have asked my H to hold off going for D till we get our D15 back on track. She is having issues with school, migraines, and depression. I told him that she should be the #1 priority so he said well get her an appt with a C asap. Long as it doesn't stop his agenda for getting a D with the OW egging him on so she can get her prize. Should I tell her that her prize is about $30K into credit card debt, has gone through 2/3 of his 401K and think he is going to dig into my 401K with the D. Really having an off day and figure I vent here instead of picking up a 2x4 and smacking him in the head. I do not even know him right now and I do not even like him. I keep looking for my H but I can't even get a glimmer of the man he was. Since this all started in the summer he has never fence sitted or cake eating once. He has said this is his choice and for me to move on. It is like he is made of stone. This is like a heroin addiction that he has for this Ow. 21 years vs. 6 month A. I know no expectations but I am very discouraged these days. If it was just me I could take it but he is basically ignoring his D15 also and choses to ignore her pain. This kid used to think he was her hero. WTH. he has really tarnished in her eyes. He just tells her that doesn't he deserve to be happy? I have to keep praying and really give this up to God because I realize that I am powerless over this.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Yes DBing really seems very unimportant when you are watching your children being hurt for the unfaithful spouses selfish desires. You can try and succeed at forgiving them for hurting you, but when it comes to the children it can be quite a different story. Hang in there and give your D a little extra love and attention.
Jay, thanks for the support. I am really committed to helping my D15. She did not deserve it and my H is in such a fog he does not see it. It is hard to be nice while our daughter is hurting by his actions. If I have to pull away and detach and let H hang I need to do that so my daughter will be able to thrive again. take care.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
In our state, debt is jointly responsibile but we are a fault state and if I can prove adultery (yes), and show how he racked up the credit card debt since the A started the judges here do not look kindly on that. The OW knows the system and I see the influence in H's actions. 401K funds are also 1/2 mine. I did withdraw some from mine also but put it into "gift" CDs for my daughters, so when the court looks at what I did with my portion and what he did with his (spend spend spend) he might have to come up with my 1/2. I have spoken to 2 Ls about this. My H is truly an alien. Next will be his job lost because the OW is his direct report. At least this experience has brought my family closer to God. Someone told me believe it or not you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now. I have to believe God is handling this, even though I struggle in turning this over to Him.
Glad to see you are making progress in your own M. You have helped so many others -- you deserve the M that we all want also.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
It's been a while!! I have been reading up on you and your sitch... I have just been dormant... Not much has changed really...besides the divorce petition being dismissed as of 1/1/09. He has not brought it up since. He is still living at his father's rental house with OW practically living there. I did find out OW mother and brother stayed with him xmas week. They had a formal xmas dinner and his mother who use to live with me went to the dinner and met OW's mother. Unbelievable.
Glad to see your holidays went well with your family. It feels so good to be surrounded by people you love.
Has your D seen a C yet? I have been thinking about doing that for my D and myself. I did go twice to a C provided by my employer but she made me feel uncomfortable so I never went back.
Can you file legal separation instead of D right now so that your finances are protected?
Me35/H35 D16/SS14 M-1yr/known H 18yrs 1st Bomb: 4/26 OW35 2nd Bomb: 8/17 OW21 Moved out 8/21/08 H filed D on 9/9/08
God determines who walks into your life...it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.
